Page 39 of Fortress
Jake let out a breath. “You got it, tiger.”
The drive through town was quiet, except for Jake humming along with the Metallica tape, played at a much lower volume than usual. Tobias leaned his head against the window and tried to pretend that the quiet streets meant something like peace. If only they could keep driving for hours and hours, stopping only for brief breaks at abandoned rest stops, with the stars spread above them like a blanket, no guard to ever tell him to drop his monster eyes.
He knew Jake was worried about him, and Tobias wished he could reassure him, but he had felt little but bone-deep exhaustion since Jake had freed him for the second time. It reminded him of old Thursday mornings, when he sometimes couldn’t pull himself up from his cot until Kayla gave him a kick in the ribs. Or until Crusher would—
Tobias flinched and then winced again when the motion jarred his ribs. He forced his head up, trying to focus on the passing streets and other cars. He had to stay focused on the here and now, or he might find himself trapped in that horror that he knew he had only barely left behind. Every time he closed his eyes or drifted into fitful sleep, he could feel the thick straps tightening around his wrists, the unforgiving hospital lights blazing onto his eyelids.
Jake had done so much for him, shown him so much of the world. But the hospital had reminded Tobias that it wasn’t really his world. The ASC would always be out there, waiting for freaks they didn’t even know about yet to mess up. And they alreadyknew all about Tobias, down to the sounds he made when he couldn’t take any more punishment.
When they pulled up in front of a squat brick building marked PIMA COUNTY LIBRARY, Tobias couldn’t stop his hands from curling into fists and his breath going shallow. He’d never gotten a good look at the hospital’s exterior, but something about the white, multi-arched library entryway and the blank glass wall behind it reminded him of a place meant to keep people inside.
But when they stepped through the doors (Tobias limping as little as he could, aware of the ache in his shoulder and how easy it would be to take him down), he saw only books, like in any other library. Jake headed toward the front desk as he waved Tobias toward the shelves. Gratefully, Tobias slipped away from the curious eyes of the stocky male librarian.
He stepped into an unoccupied aisle where he could see Jake and the front doors with plenty of warning before anyone approached him. His fingertips brushed over the books’ spines. He wasn’t really interested in finding a new book (between the exhaustion and the meds Jake had been giving him for the pain, it was hard to concentrate on anything), but something set prominently on a display shelf caught his eye.
A minute later, he joined Jake at the front desk, cradling the worn tome to his side with his good arm.
Jake tilted his head to study the title. “Is that the book about upside-down rabbits?”
Tobias looked between him and the cover. “It’s calledWatership Down, but I don’t think the rabbits are upside down.”
“Well, let me know if things go real south for them.” Jake nodded at another librarian. “Mandy here is getting our new library cards squared away.”
Mandy smiled at both of them, which Tobias glimpsed before he dropped his gaze. Had he really stopped paying attention justbecause he was distracted by Jake? “Are you Tobias? Pastor Alex said you might be coming in.”
“Yeah?” Jake sounded surprised, and Tobias stood very still, even as his grip tightened on the book.Stupid, stupid, stupid. Alex didn’t mean any harm, Tobias was fairly sure, but she still shouldn’t betalkingabout him. The fewer people who noticed or knew about him, the better.
“She mentioned what a good help you could be,” Mandy said. “She knows we’re short-staffed right now, with Diana on maternity leave and Gary only doing half days because of his back.” She paused, then said hopefully, “We’d be grateful for a volunteer to help reshelve books, make sure they get back in the right spot, that sort of thing.”
Tobias had the horrible certainty that she was talking to him. He shot a quick glance at Jake, both to confirm his suspicion and to beg for backup. Jake was watching him with a furrowed brow, but when he saw Tobias’s look, he turned back to Mandy.
“Hey, why don’t you give us a couple days to think it over? We’re still settling in.”
Mandy laughed. “Well, there’s notthatmuch going on in Sahuarita. Take this volunteer application form and definitely think about it.”
Two days later, the still-blank application was pinned to the refrigerator where Jake had put it. Jake took it down and brought it over to the table with his second cup of morning coffee. Tobias tensed and glanced up when Jake put it down next to him.
“You thought any more about helping out at that library?”
Tobias swallowed before shrugging. “I—I d-don’t think...” He trailed off, caught between his old instinct to tell Jake whatever he wanted to hear and the knowledge that that wasn’t his life anymore. “I don’t kn-know how I’d be able to h-help them.” He twitched the fingers of his right hand toward hissling, hoping Jake would think he was only talking about the bad shoulder.
Jake slouched back in his chair, one arm dangling over the back, fingers tapping along the edges of the chair. “I’m sure they’d show you around. Not like they want poetry and motorcycle maintenance together, or Shakespeare in with the gore-fest horror novels. They’d watch out for you.” Something must have shown on Tobias’s face, because Jake abandoned his casual posture, sitting up to give him his full attention. “This is only if you want to. You know I’m not going to force you out the door.”
Thank God. Tobias should know that by now, that there would be noconsequencesfor saying he couldn’t do something, but it still helped to hear it out loud. “I don’t—” He couldn’t meet Jake’s eye. “I d-don’t think I’d d-do a good job right n-now. Of being—n-normal. Like them. W-we’re using new IDs, p-people we haven’t been before, and I don’t want to draw a-attention.”
Jake exhaled, then leaned over to rest his hand on Tobias’s knee. “I know, Toby. But we’re gonna be here for a while. Another month or so. You’re gonna get sick of just these walls, homey as Alex’s place is.”
Tobias shook his head. He was fine here. This was safe, secure, and no one could sneak up on them.
“Look, even if you’re doing great here—which is totally okay, you’re healing—I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t get out once in a while. Alex mentioned an auto shop where I might be able to pick up a shift now and then. You okay with that?”
Tobias nodded. Jake should never be held back by him.
Jake squeezed his knee. “Awesome. We’ll take it one day at a time, like the shrinks say. That’s all I want, that’s all we need right now. You up for going over to Alex’s house for dinner tonight?”
Tobias tried to smile, though he wasn’t sure it was convincing. “I can handle that much.”
Dinner was corn and turkey chili with tortilla chips and other toppings. Jake and Alex carried the conversation, Tobias adding nothing unless asked directly. He ate quietly with one hand, the other secured against his chest in the sling, his shoulders tensing when Alex’s gaze rested on him too long. He knew this was a safe place and she had shown him and Jake nothing but kindness, but it was hard to remember that in each individual moment.
