Page 7 of Freedom
Tobias nodded quickly. “Yeah, I—I want you to. I mean, I like it... when you’re with me, but not when I know you’re not—doing anything you like.”
Tobias was afraid to specifically mention the TV. Jake had liked other channels back in Boulder, but now all they watched were programs about weather or nature, things that rarely made Tobias flinch. He felt horribly guilty about not being able to block out the television when he had ignored so much in his life, not being able to just control such small physical reactions when Jake did so much for him. He wished Jake hadn’t noticed, but Jake seemed to have developed an eye as sharp (as the Director) as any guard for whatever made Tobias twitch. Though, so very unlike the guards, Jake went out of his way to remove those things.
If only Tobias could have told him Jake didn’t have to worry about protecting him, that he was sure he’d get control over his tics with practice. But just thinking about the whole situation was enough to drive Tobias to the edge of a panic attack on his bad days, so he tried not to... think about it. He wished he could have told Jake that taking away yet another source of Jake’s comfort made him feel far, far worse than when reals were screaming or hitting each other on the television.
That was why he really, really hoped this would work. In Boulder, Jake had gone out when he’d been most upset. Though he hadn’t really seemed happier when he came back, going out had always changed Jake’s mood, relaxing him or focusing him, like getting away from Tobias was something he had to do to clear his head. But he hadn’t gone out at all since they’d left Boulder, and while Jake seemed better than he had before most days, Tobias was still very conscious of all the things he took away from Jake just by being with him. He had to convince Jake this was okay, or the guilt would suffocate him.
Jake was still watching him closely, forehead knit. “You know I don’t mind staying with you, Toby,” he said, and he rested his fingertips lightly over Tobias’s locked hands.
Tobias let out a breath, and his shoulders slumped, even as he nodded again. “I know, I... I’m glad.” And he was, desperately. But if he didn’t convince Jake of this tonight, he wasn’t sure when he could force himself to try again. “But if you stay in every night, I’m not going to enjoy... reading or... anything, because I know you aren’t d-doing whatyoulike.”
He didn’t add,You shouldn’t have to be around a monster every moment of the day and night. You deserve better than that, Jake; you need a break.
Jake wasn’t immediately convinced, but Tobias was persistent. Tobias was brave. He said again and again that it was what he wanted Jake to do. In the end, Jake still looked unsure, conflicted, but he agreed.
The next second, Tobias fought down another kind of panic because it scared him that Jake was following a freak’s suggestion. But he told himself this couldn’t hurt Jake, that Jake always managed fine going out on his own, and this would be better for both of them. He kept the illusion up, smiling and meeting Jake’s eyes and saying yes, yes, he’d be fine, he was going to sit and read, and he knew Jake’s cell number and could call him from the motel phone if there was an emergency. He’d befine.
Jake sat beside him on the bed, keys in hand but still irresolute. “I don’t have to do this, you know.”
“Jake, Iwantyou to go out,” Tobias said, and that was the hardest part, saying that like it was a reason Jake should go, trusting that Jake would know he didn’t meanforever.
Jake just watched him for a second. And then he smiled his tightI’m trying toosmile, brushed Tobias’s hand, and got up. “Okay, I’m going. I’ll be back.”
The moment the door finally clicked shut after him, Tobias’s shoulders dropped, and he sagged back against the headboard like he’d just been released from standing at attention at a five-hour assembly. He blew out his breath slowly, closed his eyes, and only reopened them when his heart rate slowed.
He made a circuit of the room once, checking the door and window locks, the salt lines, adjusting the curtain so not a sliver of the room was visible from outside. He straightened the towels and toiletries in the bathroom for no particular reason, then returned to the bed and placed his book in his lap.
Jake returned after barely an hour, and Tobias could hardly tell he’d been drinking. He dropped his keys and wallet on the table, shrugged off his jacket, and crawled up on the bed right next to him. “Hey, Toby.”
“Hi, Jake.” Tobias sat with his hands resting around the book, like he’d been sitting there easily with nothing else on his mind. “Did you have a good time?”
“Oh, I had a blast.” Jake set his chin on Tobias’s shoulder, like he was checking out what Tobias was reading. There was something funny in the words, and Tobias wasn’t completely sure he believed him. While he hesitated over whether to ask if anything had happened, if this was really okay, Jake whispered, “I’m real proud of you, y’know.”
Tobias smiled, feeling it grow on his face to match the warmth inside him. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve Jake’s approval laid out like that, but he’d made Jake happy, and that was the best thing that could happen. It made sixty-seven minutes of total focus on blanking out, letting nothing cross his mind but the words on the pages, completely worth it.
Jake didn’t go out every night after that, but sometimes he did. He usually stayed out until midnight, but he was always back before one a.m. Tobias kept a precise routine during those hours: double check the locks and curtains, change into the T-shirt and boxers he slept in, clean and tidy anything they had unpacked. Then and only then, when breathing was easier, he would open whatever book he had on hand.
After the first couple of times Jake went out, he added a new step: reaching for the TV remote with the same caution he used when the Director had ordered him to assemble his own restraints.
Although he didn’t want to watch TV, he would train himself to like it for Jake’s sake and so he could have a distraction. Silence did nothing to stop the whispers growing louder in his head. He had managed to block them out the first night, mostly due to his overriding anxiety about whether this would even work, if Jake would enjoy himself and appreciate what Tobias was trying to do. But after that, he couldn’t escape them. The moment Jake closed the door behind him, his fears never failed to emerge: that Jake, once away, would realize how much happier and better off he was without Tobias, that he wouldn’t come back. That he shouldn’t drag himself back to the burden of Tobias.
With nothing to distract himself (like on long Wednesday afternoons waiting for the inevitable session with the Director), Tobias couldn’t stop envisioning the night vanishing without Jake coming back. What he would do in the morning, through the next day, if he was still alone? Surely Jake had offered one last kindness by leaving the duffel with his weapons behind so that Tobias could finish himself quietly, quickly, rather than waiting for the ASC to pick him up. With the TV on, Tobias didn’t have to sit in silence and wonder how many hours (twelve? eighteen? forty-eight?) he was supposed to wait before picking up the knife and wishing Jake had just told him so he’d know. He tried not to think of how the Director wouldn’t have missed that detail.
Every night Jake went out, Tobias waited for the sound of footsteps, the snick of the key sliding in. It made him freeze every time without fail, panic-adrenaline hitting him like a bucket of ice water—but it was always Jake, alone, on the other side, and then the equally strong tidal wave of relief followed. Jake was back; he’d come back to Tobias, as he promised, and now Tobias would be okay. Though sometimes he curled up under the covers after the clock clicked over to midnight, Tobias could never do anything but lie still and wait. He couldn’t imagine trying to sleep alone in the motel. He’d already gotten too used to Jake’s warmth, breath, and skin beside him, knowing he’d only have to reach out to feel him there.
Tobias had been a little afraid at first that the alcohol would loosen Jake to the point where he might start treating Tobias like he deserved or forget the PG rule and just take what was already his, but that never happened. So he didn’t mind the nights Jake moved less than gracefully, sliding his keys off the edge of the table or missing the chair with his jacket before dropping onto the bed and tugging Tobias close. He just closed his eyes and let himself finally relax and sleep. And if some nights Tobias could almost taste the whiskey on Jake’s breath, well, that was part of Jake too.
Besides learning how to breathe through the hours without Jake and gradually building up his tolerance for TV shows featuring reals, Tobias found an unexpected benefit in his evenings alone. One night he realized that the alarm clock on the nightstand also had a radio—he’d been reading a book about the development of radio and television, and a couple of hours after Jake left, it clicked that that was what the extra buttons on the alarm clock were for. Tobias never would have just fiddled with something meant for reals, except that Jake had encouraged him to experiment with things like soda machines, ATMs, and using the microwave without supervision, so he figured that the clock radio was a fair bet as well.
Tobias switched on the radio, keeping the volume very low as he scanned stations for any that played music like Jake’s. Often the commercials and DJs’ voices were loud and abrasive, making him wince as they joked about things he didn’t understand and some he only wished he didn’t, but he could always move to another station or turn it off entirely—a marvelous power he was still absorbing.
One night, however, as he scanned through stations in search of the elusive Led Zeppelin, he found something totally unlike anything he had heard before.
The DJ’s voice was what first caught his ear; unlike all the others that talked about concert giveaways and titties late at night, this one was smooth and cultivated, the lilting rhythm of the words designed to soothe rather than rankle. He was so taken by the voice alone he didn’t really register what it was saying (gifted conductor,first movement,rare combination of styles for a duet) until the words ended, and maybe he should have been listening, if only to know about what the voice had been advertising, informing, or discussing.
And then the music began.
Tobias forgot everything—where he was, his preoccupation with how he was still giving himself away when he looked a real in the eye, his worry that he’d never be able to meet Jake’s expectations. He even forgot that Jake wasn’t there. Nothing existed but the music rising from the simple black clock radio: a clamorous burst of sound that commanded his attention. The notes moved faster and more gracefully than he could fathom, carrying him along so rapidly he could barely grasp what was happening, what he was hearing. The melody was everything at once: smooth and rushed, elegant and airy until it crashed down in sudden tumult, quieting and then exploding into sound again. It rolled and danced over unseen terrain until it reunited in the same exuberant clamor. Then, just as suddenly and inexplicably as it began, it was gone.
