Page 416 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 5
“She’s beautiful,” Penny said as she stared at the paintings.
“She was.” I needed to get used to talking about Brooklyn in the past tense. I needed to get used to talking about her at all.
“So that’s it?” Penny said. “You’re going to keep your promise to her and never date anyone else?”
“Would you date someone else if James died?”
She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on one of them. “That’s an impossible question. If I waited 16 years? Our kids would be in high school and college.” She smiled. “God, 16 years is a long time. I don’t know how to answer that.” She looked over at me. “My gut reaction is no. I can’t imagine my life without him. And I’m sorry you’re living your life without her.”
We were both quiet.
“I almost lost him before. And it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. Like I was slowly dying too.” She cringed as if the memory was too painful.
I knew the feeling.
“But James and I have lived a life that I’m proud of. We’re a family. We have kids. Is that something you want?”
“Yes.” I was so sick of lying to myself. “I really want that.”
“You’re not a bad person for wanting that,” she said.
“Am I a bad person for wanting to love someone else?”
“No. Not even a little bit.” She looked over at me. “The emotional brick wall thing makes sense in this context too. You were trying not to love anyone else.”
“I’ve never loved anyone else. I’ve kept my promise.”
“And now?”
I didn’t respond.
“It’s scary,” she said. “Facing the unknown. But what’s the alternative? Not living?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You should see the way Kennedy looks at you.”
I knew how Kennedy looked at me.
“I’m sorry too,” she said
“What are you sorry about?”
“I gave you this huge lecture about how toxic keeping secrets was. And you were right. I had one too. It’s okay to be scared. I know what it’s like to have the future you wanted pulled away from you.”
I pressed my lips together.
“And if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I know how to fill up the silence. You were wondering what I’ve been sad about, right?” She shrugged. “You thought it was about James. It has nothing to do with him, but also everything to do with him. He’s given me this amazing life. More than I could have possibly dreamed of. And I just wanted to give him one thing in return.” She closed her eyes. “A house full of children. And I can’t.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t have any more children.”
Fuck.
She wiped the tears that were trailing down her cheeks and opened up her eyes. “There was a complication with the surgery when I had Liam. I can’t have any more kids. And I’m trying to be fine. I want to be fine. But I’m not fine. I feel like my future was ripped away from me. And I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to be present but some days are harder than others.”
She pulled her knees tighter to her chest. “So now you know. I’m not crying because I’m unhappy in my marriage. I’m crying because I want to give James the whole world like he’s given me.Because I love him so much that it hurts. And I love his friends like they’re my own family.” She shook her head.
I felt about two inches tall. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I hadn’t seen it. “You’re everything to James. He doesn’t need anything else.”
“I know that. He’s told me a million times that Scarlett and Liam are enough. That I’m enough. But some days I don’t wake up feeling like enough. So now you know.” She wiped away her remaining tears. “Please don’t stare at me like I’m broken.”
