Page 83 of She Used to Be Nice
There was the word again, shot like a bullet.
The shame tightened its grip around Avery’s neck, choking her into silence, like it had done every single day since that night senior year. But for the first time, with everyone’s eyes on her, she felt herself wriggle out from under its grasp. She didn’t want to gasp for air anymore. She wanted to breathe.
“Yes,” she said, quiet and almost eerily calm now. “You did.”
24
SILENCE EXPANDED IN THEroom. A strong gust of wind blew the scent of charcoal from the grill into the house.
Avery couldn’t believe she’d said it out loud. Confirmed it was real.
“What do you mean?” Morgan asked. It was the first time she spoke since Avery made the accusation.
“What thefuckare you talking about?” Noah snapped. “I nev—”
Morgan held her hand up to shush him. “Avery. What do you mean?”
Avery closed her eyes. If only she could shove the truth back into the little box inside her head, where it had existed as a seed of a thought, a fragment of her imagination, an encounter that she’d told herself was an accident, a mistake, not a big deal. Where she’d wanted it to stay forever. But now it was out.
“I said exactly what I meant,” she said.
Noah made a loud scoffing sound. “Are you fuckingkiddingm—”
Morgan held her hand up to Noah again. “When?”
“Senior year,” Avery said, her pulse climbing. “That party at Viraj’s apartment fall semester. Remember when everyone thought I hooked up with Ronald?”
“Yes,” Blair said. Her voice was firm. She was sitting next to Noah with her hand on his thigh.
“Well, I didn’t hook up with him.” Avery’s heart was nearly beating out of her chest, the vibrations visible through her shirt. She swallowed. “Viraj just saw us in Ronald’s bedroom and assumed it was Ronald. What really happened was that I was taken advantage of. And it wasn’t Ronald who did it.” Avery shifted her gaze right to Noah, boring straight into his eyes. “It was Noah.”
“What the hell?” Viraj cut in.
Blair turned to Noah. “Wait, you actually had sex with her?”
“He didn’t havesexwith me, Blair. He r—” Avery felt faint. The word was so violent and aggressive, something she only thought happened in back alleys, at gunpoint, by a stranger. But it was the truth. “He raped me.”
Everyone was speechless. A few people looked at Noah, waiting for him to respond.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said. His lack of concern was spine-chilling. “You were drunk. We both were.”
Hot anger shot through Avery’s veins. This motherfucker. “That’s not true atall. You were fine. I could barely stand up straight.”
Noah rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, Avery. We were all drinking that night. If drunk sex is sexual assault, then everyone at this table has been sexually assaulted.”
“That is one-hundred percent true,” Viraj added. “I’ve been nearly blackout for most of my sexual experiences, and I’ve never cried rape.”
“I’m notcryinganything!” Avery shouted. She could hear the desperate shrill in her voice. “That’s what it was!”
“But Noah was drunk, too,” Viraj said. “Does that mean you also took advantage of him?”
“No, I know for a fact I was out of it—way more out of it than him. I had to work so hard to even form a sentence.” Avery glared at Noah, willing him to look at her and acknowledge what he’d done. “I tried to get him off me and tried to say no and he didn’t listen.” She glanced hopefully at Morgan for backup, but Morgan just sat in her seat, staring at her plate.
“That didnothappen, Avery,” Noah said. “That’s ridiculous. We were in college and we hooked up. That’s it.”
Avery felt like she was breathing through a straw.
“Plus, if you were that drunk,” Parker said, taking a corn on the cob from a tray, “how could you be so sure of all these details?”
