Page 74 of She Used to Be Nice
Pete pressed his lips into a line. “I don’t get it. Am I ever going to be able to call you my girlfriend?”
Avery gave a small shrug. “I don’t know.” Another lie. Because if she were her normal self from before senior year, she would love the label, would welcome it. But now it just made her nauseous with guilt and fear. She could see it all unfold: Pete accompanying her to the wedding and shaking Ryan’s hand, introducing himself as her boyfriend. Pete and Ryan talking while Avery was off doing some maid of honor obligation. Ryan getting too drunk and making some comment.Good luck with that one,he’d say, tossing his chin in Avery’s direction.You’ll probably want to keep her on a leash.
“You don’tknow?” Pete unrolled his silverware more loudly than he needed to. “You’re seriously doing this?”
Avery slowly set down her napkin on the table. The wedding day was the last stretch, the final showtime, and coming up so soon. Any goodwill Avery had built by being a great maid of honor throughout the year would mean nothing if she fucked up at the wedding because she was so stressed about keeping Pete from learning about her past. She was even having doubts about the bachelor party now, too. She wasn’t anywhere near strong enough to balance both her fears of being around Noah and her desire to impress Pete. No doubt she would ruin something, even in that casual of a setting.
No, she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t do any of this.
“I also don’t think you should come to the bachelor party,” Avery said.
Pete blew all the air out of his mouth.
“Or the wedding.”
“What thefuck,Avery?!” Pete pinched his face in confusion. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Panic simmered in Avery’s stomach. “No! I just think we should take a step back. We … we’re getting too serious. I need to slow back down.”
Pete cut forcefully into his steak, his knife screeching against his plate. “This is the normal, natural progression of a relationship.We date for a few months. You become my girlfriend. I come with you to weddings. How is this sodifficultfor you?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. Everyone does relationships differently.”
“No they don’t, Avery. This is how it goes. And if you disagree with that, then …” He shook his head. “Then we need to be done here.”
The panic in Avery’s gut roared to a violent, overflowing boil. “Wait a minute. So it’s your way or no way? That’s not fair.”
“We’ve been doing it your way this whole time! Do you realize that? You’ve controlled this whole thing! I’m your fucking marionette! It’s fucked up!”
Avery felt her pulse inside her ears. “But I was clear with my intentions from thestart, Pete. I even told you I didn’t want a relationship!” She was grasping now, digging her heels in, knowing she was making it worse but unable to stop, a freight train barreling down the tracks. “And you know what’s fucked up? Forcing women to do things they don’t want to do.That’sfucked up.”
The waiter flitted by and asked with a megawatt smile how everything was. Avery stared at the table. But Pete was right. Again. She was in control of their whole relationship, which she once preferred but now, with Pete, it didn’t feel right. He was at her mercy, devouring the smallest bits of herself she doled out, like a starved raccoon digging through trash for food scraps. Why would he want to be with someone who did that to him, someone who thought bits and pieces of herself were enough and half the time remained aloof?
Why would he wanther?
“I don’t want to wait for you to let me in anymore,” Pete said. He was calmer now, the arrival of the waiter having diffused some of the tension. “I’m tired of fighting for you.”
Avery’s breathing became shallow. She was about to lose him. Her vision went dark. “Pete … please …”
Pete sprung up from his chair and stormed away from the table. Customers and wait staff parted for him as he bolted throughthe restaurant toward the front door. Avery sprinted to catch up to him, grabbed hold of his shoulder once they were outside under the awning. But he shrugged her off.
“It’s over, Avery. I’m done.”
And then he was gone.
A couple days later, Avery’s phone buzzed with a text. Not from Pete.
I’m taking Scout to Carl Schurz Park. Come hang?
Avery rubbed her eyes. She was lying on her couch with a throw blanket draped over her body. The television was off, and the wind whistled forcefully outside the closed window. Scout’s gastrointestinal issues had improved, the fact of which Morgan celebrated by sending Avery videos of him playing tug of war with his toys. Avery was as happy for him as she could possibly be within the bounds of her state of misery.
i’m busy,she replied to Morgan.
Just for a sec? I’m so close to your apartment!
Avery peered around her living room. Empty bottles of booze were strewn on the coffee table, and wet, crumpled tissues were piled up in little mountains on the floor. The air was stale and rancid from the mess and lack of ventilation, the kind of pungent thickness that hangs when you’ve been home sick. She knew Pete was better off finding happiness with someone else, but she wished that someone else could be her. She wished she could just benormal. Nothing she was doing made the power Noah had over her go away. The more she pushed that night down, the harder it sprang back up in her face later, like one of those awful jack-in-the-box toys.
Her phone buzzed with another text from Morgan.Please? I’ve barely seen you lately because of Scout
