Page 78 of Cara
This unspoken pain rages so fiercely that when he reaches for me, I slap his hands away, unable to see past the scarring—the broken bits of myself.
“No, you could have come to me, and youdidn’t.” I'm just ranting, letting the words pour out like a broken reservoir.
None of this is his fault, but I'm too unwound. “You don’t understand, Xavier. You never will. You had someone. You had Bo, and Dante, and Zeke. Rosa. You had a daughter!”
“Sophie, let me speak?—”
“No!” My chest cracks as grief spreads through me like a disease. As much as I try to suppress them, my words escape as raw, guttural sobs. “No! She gave you a daughter and Icouldn’t!”
I’ve never been able to let myself feel it.
The loss of our baby. If I had, it would’ve destroyed me.
I feel a sharp kind of agony now, my fists compressing my chest as I sink to my knees. A seizing panic, blurring my surroundings. Xavier’s hands upon my face fail to bring me out of the outbreak as I let out years of pure hell. The wound is gaping now, splitting me open.
“Baby.” His hands drown in my hair, holding me against his throat. “Oh, God. Sophie.”
“It wasours.” Grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, I cry out to him. “It was ours. It was ours.”
Those three insignificant words, when strung together, could ruin this world for me.
“I'm sorry,” Xavier rasps hoarsely into my ear. “I’m sorry. Sophie, forgive me.”
“You didn’t come. You didn’t…” The charges against him fade from my lips, scalding tears burning tracks down my face as the pounding in my head slows, and I realize what I'm doing to this man, this man who sacrificed his own freedom to ensure mine.
What are youdoing, Sophie?
Gasping, I pull away from his grasp, stumbling until my legs steady, until I’m upright, offering him my back as I collect myself.Breathe. My eyes close, my hand pressed to my quivering mouth. He’s breathless. I don’t need to turn around to know he’s reeling from the blame I just laid at his feet.
“You were pregnant?” he chokes out.
I nod, biting down on my trembling lip.
A sound shatters the silence, a scoff laden with shame.
“I’m a piece of shit. Fuck, I hate myself. I hate that you went through that alone.”
He sounds broken, the words spoken so excruciatingly.
“I'm doing this wrong.” I swipe angrily at my tears, turning. “I… I didn’t come here for this, to make you feel this way. I have no idea what you’ve been through, but I know what your father can do. I know I'm not… I’m not the only one who suffered here.”
He winces when I place my hands on his neck, revealing what my words have done. His cheeks are wet, tears coursing over my thumbs as I push them aside.
Shaking my head, I regret it all, telling him anything. “I'm sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean it.”
“You did.”
“Xavier.”
“I’ve hurt you. Ever since I met you, I’ve done nothing but hurt you, Sophie. For four years, I’ve told myself that. It kept me from getting on that damn plane.”
His hands slide away from my back as he slips out of my reach. He’s staring out at the vastness when he speaks.
“My father nearly killed me, Sophie.”
All of my fears culminate. The days and nights I’ve spent paralyzed by the sheer terror of hearing those exact words. He wipes at his face, breathing in with a dark chuckle.
“What did he do?”
