Page 69 of Possessed By You
“I acted like a fucking idiot that day. I was terrible, Rebecca.”
“What did you do?”
“I find it hard to even repeat.”
“Ben…”
“I-I told her I was only pretending to want the baby so she’d be happy. I told her that.” His voice is shaking. “Fuck, Bec, the accident happened literally seconds later. It was like…like I willed her to lose it.”
The sound of his wheezing breaths, the low, shocking rumble a man makes when he’s trying to stop tears from being shed leaves me frozen, forced to listen to Benjamin break down in front of his sister.
“And when she was crying out in pain, I don’t think I was ever so scared. I was sure I was going to lose them both.”
“Ben!” she gasps, as if she can’t believe it. Knowing their relationship, the last time she’s probably seen him vulnerable enough to cry was when Daniel died. “Come here.”
“No, I’m fine,” he says stubbornly. I’m positive he’s pushed her away. “I’m fine. It’s all…just a lot.”
“Neither of you need to put on a brave face right now, Benjamin. You went through two traumas at once. I know you wanted that baby. This isn’t your fault.”
“But it is,” he cuts her off before she can argue. “Rebecca, it is. I stormed out of that office. I put us in the car. I screamed and upset her.”
“Well, when she gets pregnant again, you won’t act that way, all right? You both will be careful.”
“That means me overlooking the fact that pregnancy could kill her. I don’t know how to get right with that. Darcy is my world.”
“I know she is,” she whispers warmly. “I know. I saw what you were like without her, and I’d never wish that for you again. But she’s felt what it’s like to be pregnant. That feeling isn’t going to just go away, Ben.”
“Then we can adopt, you know? Do something else. There’s other ways to have a child without putting her in danger.”
“That sounds appealing to you, but does it to her? Ben, she just lost a child. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve got one growing in me right now, but I find it hard to believe Darcy won’t want to try again in the future, and you’re just going to have to get right with that.”
His silence speaks volumes. She’s asking for more than he’s willing to give right now. It’s crossed my mind multiple times that his grief might stem in some way from the underlying relief he may feel at the loss of the unfamiliar, dangerous territory we were entering.
“I should come back tomorrow,” she says, but I’ve already scrambled to my feet, swiping away any remains of my pain, and opened the door.
I cross the room and set eyes upon them at the table. Benjamin momentarily looks at his lap with discomfort but gathers himself, refusing to let me see what he believes to be weakness. Rebecca smiles, resembling her brother closely as I approach the table.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize, and she hops out of her seat, shaking her head.
“No, no. You could have told me, honey. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I say, refusing to hold her pregnancy against her. This is a time for celebration for her. I won’t be the person to take that away for even a second.
Benjamin remains quiet, assessing me. His words are twirling around in my brain, and because of that, I do my best to keep my gaze from his. I don’t want him to know I listened to their conversation.
She gathers her things, glancing at Benjamin. “I will let you guys get some rest. Would it be okay if I stole Darcy from you tomorrow?”
Benjamin gapes, uncomfortably put on the spot. To save him the trouble, I agree, as positively as I can, mostly because I believe another day in seclusion may drive me to madness.
“Good. I’ll come pick you up at noon.” She hugs me again, this time squeezing just long enough to strike me with emotion and remind me of her pity. I pull back, and she hugs Ben. I scoop up their dishes while he walks her to the elevator.
There’s a tight, violent twisting in my chest that began when she entered, but it’s lingering like an omen. I’m inhaling fiercely through my nose, trying to catch my breath. My hands are shaking against the white dishes, so I scrub them harder.
It won’t always be this hard. I just need to heal.
I can get through this. I’ve been fine up till now. I’ve kept it together pretty well.
I slam my eyes shut, exhaling shakily as I see a vision of what I thought she’d look like. Long black hair like her father. Maybe blue eyes like me. A backpack and new sneakers because it’s her first day of school…
