Page 45 of Possessed By You
“It’s not that bad, Ben. She said I’m improving. You heard her.”
“I also heard her say she has no clue as to why you are sick. All I know is that you weren’t before you got pregnant, and that is not comforting to me.”
“It’s a risk. I know that…”
“You could die, Darcy. I could lose you.”
I chuckle wryly. “Of course that’s what you took out of that conversation. See? This is exactly why I wanted to wait! So you wouldn’t overreact!”
“Overreact? Are you fucking crazy? Darcy, you are hearing what you want to hear. I am hearing the reality.”
“I’m pregnant, Benjamin. Thatisour reality, and you know it. I know you feel betrayed by me, and you have every right to be angry. I never wanted you to find out this way, but I am sure I can do this. I need you to be in this with me.”
“Really? You’ve been doing just fine without me,” he snaps lividly. I shake my head despairingly as he bounds to the door and throws it open. The lobby is full and attentive to the commotion as I follow him out. Our doctor is by the reception desk, her eyes following my fuming husband storming out of the clinic.
“Ben, stop!” I’m crying now. I’ve done this to myself, and that makes the tears worse. “Ben, please.”
He doesn’t stop. He pushes the front door open, taking his keys out of his jacket.
“Please, Ben. Don’t do this.”
Flashes suddenly light up the sidewalk, paparazzi lined up, having prepared for our exit. Someone must have tipped them off after seeing Benjamin come in. Benjamin’s grip is excruciating on my arm as he ushers me to the car on the curb, a ticket sticking out from under the windshield wiper. He snatches it off, his face masked with impassiveness for the cameras. I climb in, eyes on my lap.
He slams his door in their faces as they swarm the car and honks the horn until they move, for fear he’ll run them over. He merges into traffic, rigid in the driver’s seat beside me. Clear of the cameras, the tears flow freely down my cheeks, soaking my clothes.
“Ben, I’m sorry. Baby, I’m so sorry.”
He doesn’t answer me, and I continue to ramble, terrified.
“I just didn’t want you to worry about me,” I say. “I was scared, and I wanted so badly for you to be okay with this.”
“So you decided it was better to keep this from me? Did you tell Doris?” His eyes widen, and he looks over at me. “This is why Kevin was worried…this is why Cindy told me she planned to schedule your leave in a few months.”
I stay silent, and he curses under his breath. “Everyone knew. Of course they did.”
“Ben, my body is strong and—”
“There’s evidence in that office that suggests otherwise, Darcy!”
“There’s absolutely nothing we can do about it, Ben! You came in me months ago and I got pregnant! Fighting isn’t going to change it!”
“You deserve my anger, Darcy. You’ve had time to process this. I was blindsided by this appointment and by your damn lies, so give me a fucking break.”
I fight desperately to breathe. We slow in traffic, stopped at a light. Our silence is heavy and suffocating. He’s right, and I know he is. I want so badly for him to be this ray of positive light, but that’s not Benjamin. He worries, and he worries about me more than anything else in the world. And a doctor just told him I could die because of this pregnancy.
“I love you, Benjamin,” I whisper, needing him to hear it. “I can imagine how upset you are, especially hearing what she said. I know it scared the hell out of me when I heard it.”
He doesn’t move an inch when I rest my hand on his arm.
“Someday this is all going to be a distant memory. We’re going to have an amazing kid, and all of this is going to be something we wished we had handled better. Is this really how we want to spend the next five, six months? In a panic? Or can we embrace this time and appreciate the fact that something you and I made together is growing inside of me?”
“You’re only saying this because you’re the one on the chopping block,” he says. “If things go wrong, it’s not you who has to live with it. It’s me. You are asking me to get right with the fact that every day you get closer to giving birth, you are in more danger.”
“I’m not asking you.” He looks at me sharply, and I hold the gaze, unfazed. “We are married and this is our baby. I feel her…or him. Ifeelpregnant, and I like it. I really like it. I know you’ve begun liking it too.”
“I was doing that to make you happy, Darcy.”
“Bullshit.”
