Page 96 of Mariposa
The others nod, clearing their throats, and walk out. Kade turns around like I’m not even here—like he didn’t call me in, and I’m a ghost.
Flashes of lightning light up the dimly lit room. Thunder follows right after, and the sound sends vibrations up the walls of the building, causing the ceiling fixture to sway and the electricity to flicker.
“Am I in trouble?”
Kade plugs a six-digit code into a locker, and a green light blooms. He opens the locker, revealing a tall, fancy-looking bourbon in the center. With two short glasses in his other hand, he finally turns my way but doesn’t look at me. He fills the glasses, and I watch the amber liquid fill to the brim with ice. He closes the bottle of bourbon.
“How are you?” His mesmerizing eyes finally meet mine as he hovers over his desk. His fists clench the wood, and the muscles in his triceps harden.
I open my mouth to say.
I’m fine. I’m good—nothing to worry about.
But nothing comes out.
I close my mouth as that familiar rock forms in my throat. I won’t break. I can’t. I need to stay strong.
“Violet. I asked you a question.” That same authoritative tone he uses when he’s leading comes back.
“I’m fine.”
It comes out with no confidence, making it an audible lie. He clenches his jaw and raises the glass of bourbon to his lips.
I tear my gaze away from his darkened eyes and look at the window, where rain continues to patter violently. Through his office windows, I can see flags dancing with the storm winds and giant raindrops.
Castle’s bloodied, mutilated body comes to mind, and I shudder. After minutes of the electricity flickering over and over again, it finally goes out, leaving Kade and I in a blanket of darkness with only a twinge of moonlight poking through.
Finally…I bend.
I shake my head, pursing my trembling lips together, hoping it will stop the anxiety attack from consuming my senses. Still, no matter what I do, the reality of war finally strikes me through and through, and this time, I can’t stop myself from feeling Castle’s potential loss. The last I heard, she was critical, and the Red Cross was issued to her family.
“You’re fine,” he repeats, with a placating tone to his deep voice. He says it like a question.
“How are you okay right now? Two soldiers are dead! Innocent civilians are dead! Castle is dying! She lost her legs, and you’re cold as ice. Not a tear? Don’t you feel anything?!”
My question doesn’t do anything to him—no reaction…just nothing. I stare at the spot I last saw him in, the moonlight barely cascading over his massive frame. His reading glasses are on, and he looks as tranquil as ever, drinking like it’s just another day behind his desk.
I’m sobbing uncontrollably. I suck in air like I’m drowning, and I’m clawing at my tightening chest. Tears roll down my cheeks as I try to pull off my top.
“I know you’re the reason why I wasn’t there on the mission, you son of a bitch! You don’t get to hold me back because you’re fucking me. Do you think that gives you the right to taint my career? To pull me from operations? You’re messing with my job!”
“Keep your fucking voice down,” he says harshly, the vein in his neck bulging.
“I should’ve been there, Kade!” I shout, fighting back the sting behind my eyes. The stupid rock in my throat is present again, and I resent it. “I could’ve helped. Maybe my best friend wouldn’t be dying and being flown to Germany right now! Maybe…” I sniffle. “What if?—”
“Don’t play the what-if game. You won’t win with yourself, and you’re not helping Castle by crying about her situation!”
“Fuck you, Kade!”
He rears back, still emotionless, while I’m falling the hell apart.
“I can’t breathe. I-I can’t breathe.” I try to keep my tone calm and steady, but my tone cracks.
A panic attack.
“Let me help you.”
“No!”
