Page 16 of Mariposa
I’m so jealous!
“Si,mijita. You know how it gets super hot after it’s freshly made, right? I’m going to let it cool down overnight, and your grandpa and I will have it in your honor. When it’s your birthday, I’ll make it for you, and your grandpa, and I will sing happy birthday.”
“I’m going to be twenty-two years old—that’s really not necessary.”
She snickers, “I will always consider you my baby. Even when you’re old and gray.” She touches the phone screen as if playing with my hair, like she used to do whenever I was with her. “You will always be my granddaughter.” She pauses, and the vibes in the room,in her tone,take a turn. She holds onto my gaze, her eyes gray around the rims of her irises as she stares into my soul vehemently. “And if I forget you…just know I will always love you. This disease might take my body,mija, but it will not take my spirit. And my spirit will always be with you.” A weak smile spreads across her cheeks.
My chest tightens, tears prick my eyes, and I throw my hands over my face. She’s the one who’s losing herself. I don’t have the right to cry—it’s selfish.
“Grandma, it truly isn’t fair that this is happening.”
I’m a mess. A complete and utter distraught mess, while I sob alone in my room. My lips shake, and my whimpers get drowned out by my palm. I embrace the bear to my chest and sniffle. Her staple floral perfume enters my senses, and I sob harder. It even smells like her.
My grandma is everything to me.
“No lo puedo hacer. No puedo vivir sin ti. Eres mi mundo. Estoy perdida sin ti.” I can’t do this. I can’t live without you. You’re my world. I’m lost without you.
She’s taught me everything I know—my guide who has always taught me to choose a path of morals and faith.
She’s shown me unconditional love.
Why would God do this to my grandma? She’s the most dedicated Catholic. Her faith never fails in Him. I’ve prayed and asked the same question repeatedly since her diagnosis, knowing I’ll never get the answer to it. Death is a part of life, but I didn’t think this day would come, and the way it has.
As I continue to feel the stress of completing this school and all the built-up tension, her health hits me harder than it ever has before in a moment of clarity and harsh acceptance.
I’m going to lose her.
I’ve been so busy chasing my goals that I forget she’s dying. I can’t lose her. She’s…everything.
I’m lost in a land of darkness right now, and she is the light slowly fading away. I can’t fathom the thought of her not being here to talk to or hold.
I wish grandparents could live forever.
“Yes, you can. You’re strong. I taught you to be strong.Fuerte. You are an Isla. You are a part of me. You will always beokay.” She weakly smiles, holding back her own tears, and I nod, sniffling my unleashed, sullen outburst away. “Now, I don’t want to see you shed another tear over this—make us all proud.”
“Okay.”
I run a hand over my red face, forcing a smile–a mask. I have the worst feeling though, because I think Beast is just getting started with me. I’m not sure how many more fake smiles I have left.
8
VIOLET
SEVEN MONTHS UNTIL GRADUATION
My rucksack is packed, ready to go at five in the morning. My lids feel like they want to stay glued shut, my legs and shoulders are sore, but I keep soldiering on. I’m almost halfway there, and I’m surpassing every test since the pool incident.
We’re on buses, headed to do more Land Navigation for two days—something my father taught me how to do well. I have no doubts I’ll pass. Roberts sits next to me, nodding off every other second, so I nudge him with my shoulder to keep him awake.
“Let me sleep.”
“What if?—”
“The instructors aren’t going to be here to smoke us. If I were you, I’d use my shoulder to sleep on. Now, hurry up before I change my mind,” Roberts grumbles, slumping in his seat.
“Fine.”
When the buses stop, it jolts me awake. It felt like I blinked, and I’m nowhere near fully rested, but I’ll take the mini re-fuel. The bus ride lasted an hour. I passed out in seconds once my cheek met his shoulder.
