Page 123 of Mariposa
“Shit,” he hisses angrily.
With a dry tongue, I continue to recount the worst day of my life.
“Kade, Shane Booker, and I were the only ones to survive the crash. I thought we were lucky…” I whine, a grimace contorting my cold features. “But I was wrong.” Warmth leaks out of my closed lids.
“Hey, Violet. You don’t have to finish if you’re not ready.” Adam gives me a pained smile. His palm runs in circles on my back, and I jerk away.
No, I must get this out. I need to say it out loud and honor my duty.
“My foot was almost torn off from the crash. Kade had a dislocated shoulder, while Shane came out with less serious injuries. They did their best to recover as much of our fallen brothers as they could before we were forced out of the area by the insurgents.” I point to the bandage on my face. “I took a shot to the face, but it was a graze. I couldn’t walk, so Master Sergeant carried me most of the time as we hiked away. Eventually, they caught up to us hours later. A storm rolled in, making everything more dangerous. As soon as one shouted in our direction, most likely alerting his army that he had found us, Shane got shot in the head, which killed him instantly. Kade and I scrambled to fight them all off, but it was hundreds—an army versus two.”
My front teeth sink into my bottom lip, recounting the situation. With my hands and fingers trembling, I take a deep breath and scuttle the following words.
“We were out of ammo.” I shake my head, the same hopelessness I felt that day, returning. “It was raining down hard and…Kade had to make a choice. He was doing what every leader would have done in that situation. I tried to fight him, but we both knew if he hadn’t pushed me down that hill and distracted them, we would’ve both been dead in seconds. He had to adapt quickly. Our enemies were unforgiving and relentless.” I flick my gaze to meet his broken expression. I slug down therock in my throat and become steel. I’ll skip over the part where he said his final goodbye.
“When I came to after tumbling down the mountain, I looked up one last time to see the enemy unleash everything on him. He was shot in the chest, followed by an explosion. I didn’t see him again after that. His plan worked, but it was his life he laid down so I could live.”
The next thing I know, Adam is on top of me, holding me tight and crying into my neck. His nose pokes into my skin, while his arms encase me. I rub his back, tucking my emotions away while Adam feels his.
“Thank you for telling me,” he sobs.
I nod and hold him back tighter.
We sit like this for minutes, consoling each other with actions and no words—a silence of grief and understanding.
When he pulls back, his tortured expression takes a tone of acceptance. He stabs into his pocket while his other hand scrapes his face, erasing the shed of tears. Red paints his nose, eyes, and cheeks as he gazes outside the hospital window.
“You kept calling out for Kade,” he says plainly, still not looking at me but staring at the busy road just outside my hospital room. His fingers push down the blinds like he’s searching for someone.
My heart sinks.
“If you’re trying to hide that you’re in love with him, you’ve done a terrible job. You kept saying his name repeatedly. Over and over again, with a cry I’ve never heard anyone make. Butit hurt meto see you like that. It killed me to hear you break. It’s clear he owned your heart.”
A bombardment of shame and guilt assaults me when I look into his brown eyes. I didn’t think this day would come, and neither did I think this was how our secret would rise to the surface to be judged and scrutinized. I mentally prepare for aslur of insults—an abundance of curse words—slut and whore—but he stays stoic. He slowly strides closer to me until his hand grips the bedrail.
When I woke up in Germany and Slater confirmed we’d lost Booker and Kade, I didn’t care if everyone watched me bomb myself into an empty human who had lost her reason. Those reasons are locked inside Kade now, and I’ll never get those pieces of me back. I wasn’t careful hiding my feelings that day, but I will not repent. I don’t think it matters anymore.
There’s no use in denying it. So, I come clean.
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m sorry because that would be a lie. I’m in love with Kade. I’m deeply and crazily insatiable for that man. He loved you and every single soldier he worked with, and you should remember that about him because he’s never given you any reason not to.”
He tears his softened gaze away from me. His jaw flitches repeatedly as his nostrils flare. He spears his hand slowly into his front pocket and grabs a half-eaten bag of pistachios. He takes one into his mouth and chews.
Again, I sit there, grinding my teeth and fiddling with my fingers…trying not to explode. I want to shout until I can’t breathe anymore. I want to cry until I’m exhausted and have no other choice but to dream so I can see him again. I want to die, too.
I turn toward Adam again and expect him to transition into attack mode. Just when I think he’s going to change his mind, get angry, and rip into me, he continues to chew and breathe slowly.
“Look, it’s easy for me to judge and tear into this weird situation, but the truth is, I’ve never been close to him, and honestly, I don’t think I ever would have been, but it’s clear that you love him in a way that the world will never understand. I justneed you to be happy and take care of yourself, and if my father were still alive, I’d tell him the same thing.”
What?
“You’re not mad or angry?”
“I’m feeling a lot of things right now,” he quips sharply. A slight edge to his tone, but he remains calm. “My father never remarried after my mother. It’s no secret he doesn’t let himself be happy, and he used work to fill the void he embraced. I’ve never been able to understand him…until now. And it’s too late. I should have appreciated him more…I should have?—”
I shake my head.
“Someone once told me that we should never play the ‘I should—what if’ game because there’s no winning,” I scorn, attempting to lighten his mood and take that guilt off his shoulders.
