Page 121 of Mariposa
Warm. Peaceful. Soothing.
I missed my mom being able to touch me and not resent me. I look to my right and spot my sister. She’s covered in a white hospital blanket, sleeping on a couch. Her face is turned in my direction, as though she fell asleep watching me.
They’re here.
They showed up.
A small smile pulls at my lips as I stretch my back and readjust my head on the pillow. When a silhouette figure emerges outside the glass doors, grief rocks into me. I’m instantly frowning, seeing Kade’s estranged son.
Adam stands at the door, his hands at his side. He raises one of them and waves slowly. His smile doesn’t mask his sadness. It’s the kind that carries the pain of a son who’s lost his father. A tear falls while my hands stiffen around my blankets.
“Mija?” My mother’s arms quiver awake. She gives me a gentle squeeze around my leg and lifts herself from the bed. I haven’t heard her call me that term of endearment in years. It’s foreign and abnormal, and I don’t have the energy to argue with her about anything right now.
“Violet.” My sister yawns my name and restlessly stretches her arms over her head. When her belly button gets exposed, she pulls her ‘My Sister Is A Soldier’ black, white, and yellowed texted shirt back down. Shifting in a sitting position, she studies me as though I’ll take a bite out of her.
“They told us you were quite feisty the first time you woke up,” Isabella tells me, swaying her legs forward and back.
Is this her way of trying to ease her icy self? I don’t want to talk. They’re only here because they are my emergency contact and to throw anI told you so, in my face.
“What are you guys doing here?” I croak. Sitting up, I cross my bruised arms against my chest. They’re full of maroon linear scabbed gashes caused by the crash and tumbling down the mountain.
“Are you here to tell me, ‘I told you so’? Are you going to tell me that you knew this would happen and to beat me down more than I am already? Make me feel less than I am? Well, if you are, don’t waste your time. You can leave!”
“What do you mean, Violet? We’re here because you’re my baby. We almost lost you. There’s no other place I need to be but right here,” Mother says. She stands and tries to hug me, but I halt her with the palm of my hand.
“You’re my sister. My blood. There’s no getting rid of me,” Isabella adds.
“I’m sorry,mija, I’m so sorry! I know you shouldn’t forgive me, but maybe one day you’ll understand what it’s like to lose the one who kept you together. I’ve been grieving. All this time, I’ve been resentful and broken. I know it’s not an excuse for the way I’ve pushed you away and for the way I’ve treated you. But I’m here now,y nunca te voy a dejar sola. I can’t lose you like I lost your father. I can’t—” she hiccups, already falling apart. “No parent should have to bury their baby! I can’t imagine what you had to go through out there, but I’m here to let you know that you don’t have to go through this part of healing alone. We are here and we are here to stay,por siempre.”
An empty, cold, unsettling emotion carves its way into my spirit at the reminder of Booker and Kade. The way Shane broke down and pleaded to come back home and see his mother and sisters alive. What about his parents? What about Kade’s? What am I going to tell them?
I don’t have the energy to bend, but I feel like the sun is inside me, burning me alive. It’s not fair. How am I supposed to figure out a way to live, because right now I feel guilty. I feel like I should be dead, too. How is it fair that I get to be here, back home, surrounded by family, and they don’t? We all fought our hardest to live for each other.
My gaze droops to my hospital band.
“Are they really dead? Are my instructors dead? Are Kade and Shane gone?” I breathe out, trying to steady the whine in my voice, but fail miserably.
Isabella jumps from the couch and ambles toward my mother and me. She grips the bedrail after moving the I.V. bag out of the way. Her hands fall on my shoulder delicately. I don’t miss the fear in her dark brown eyes—the careful breaths and movements…she’s afraid I’ll break again.
“Yes,” Isabella responds quietly.
My heartbeat monitor kicks up while I digest the answer. It splits me open until I let out a wail. I grip my hair and pull.
“Mama, where are they? I want to see them,” I request through my chattering teeth.
“Right now, their next of kin are being contacted. None of this is public information just yet.”
I hollow out my cheeks as my mother and sister run their palms across my back in circles. I suck in breath after breath, but nothing helps. The soldier in me wants to light the entire world on fire so I can die in it. I want to climb out of this bed and end my life.
“Why, God, why?” I cry out.
Sobbing into my hands, I close my eyes and think of them. What they did out there was for a purpose. If I die, I think I’d be throwing what they sacrificed away.
I keep reciting the exact words Kade told me in my head before I lost him.
“Go! Fall in love over and over again. Get married, have lots of pretty babies, go live your life…”
He knew his time was over. He had accepted it a long time ago, by the way he said it. How can he expect me to do all of that when he’s gone? All my dreams could only be reached if I had him by my side.
