Page 76 of Pretend
His eyes have a sharp edge, and I’m tempted to wrap my arms around him. I ache to hold him like he held me in the bathroom. I want to return the sweet gesture so severely, but I don’t wish to overstep. And alas, I stay frozen, being the ears he needs, and I listen to him unravel a part of himself I’m not sure anyone else knows.
“I hate that she felt that alone. To feel alone in a world full of people…that’s the worst kind of alienation. She was in so much pain after she had my sister. Maybe there were more factors involved, but my father doesn’t talk about it…and I don’t ask. I wish she knew there was hope.There’s always hope.”
And for some reason, I feel like he’s reminding himself of that message.
There’s always hope. There’s always love. There’s always someone.
A Black Hawk helicopter enters the airfield and descends slowly onto the pad. The sound of the aircraft’s wings whipping the air and the engine roaring accompanies us.
“Love isn't for me but… if I were to become a father, I would worship the ground the mother of my child walks on.become a father, I will worship the ground the mother of my child walks on. I will make sure she is okay every day and support her. I will make sure if she does get postpartum depression, I inform her that there are resources…and I will constantly remind her that she is loved and not alone in a language she needs me to speak. I refuse to let history repeat itself. If I ever get the privilege of finding someone who just doesn’t see my scars.”
He doesn’t look at me. He keeps his eyes on the sky, and I ponder. An image of Daegan with a baby in his large hands sends me swooning. I do want to be a mom one day. But with the right person.
We stay silent, and curiosity gnaws at me. I have the sudden urge to take advantage of this open window he’s creaked open into his world.
“Used to hate?” I ask, wanting clarification.
He lifts his scarred brow. “What?”
“You said you used to hate Valentine’s Day. What made you change your mind about that holiday?” I quirk a brow.
I want to know more about my ‘bodyguard.’ He’s holding back so much, and I crave to know more.
He rips his eyes from the sky and turns to me. He studies me, his eyes moving vehemently from my eyes to my lips back and forth until, finally, a dire smirk appears.
“What if I say you had to do something to do with it?”
I scoff. A hot blush simmers into my cheeks, threatening to expose how he makes me feel.
“I would say you’re giving me too much credit, Mr. Hannibal.”
He smiles, the corner of his eye creases, and the moonlight reflects among his scars. But the way he smiles, it’s like he’s smiling for the first time. There is something so genuine about how he does it, unlike how he usually portrays himself to others. Then he turns to his side, and I become frozen withangst.
His face hovers over mine, and it’s as if he’s trying to hold onto this moment for life.
I know I am.
So, I wait.
I wait for him to make the move I’ve been dying for him to make since we landed in Iraq. I want to taste him again. I want to feel his tongue on mine, his hands everywhere on my skin. I want to feelhim.
Just when I think he’s going to lean in, my phone chimes.
I don’t know how I found the strength to do it, but I grab my phone, breaking our intensity, and look at the cockblock culprit.
Kane.
Kane: Where are you?
“Oh? It’s Kane. Is he taking over tonight?” I ask Daegan. It’s Thursday. Usually, Kane takes over on the weekends, and Daegan is assigned on weekdays.
So, why is he texting me?
I turn around to find Daegan standing over me, packing up his rucksack like he’s ready to leave. Our quiet, intimate moment of stargazing is slipping away, and I’m not ready.
This cannot happen. I cannot form a crush. I have to remind myself that our careers come first.
But why does it feel like maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to break the rules?
