Page 5 of See You Soon
"Baby Girl. Not every guy’s like Shane, stop it."
Of course, Meredith immediately only thinks of the guy that has stained my romantic life but he was a blip in my worries compared to the death of my only other sibling.
I bite my lip and text him back,
Hi Danny.
"It's your fault if I get hurt again." I sigh in defeat.
"You'll be thanking me at your future wedding, actually." Meredith chuckles.
"Woah, chill out. Plus, I can't be thinking or getting distracted by anything or anyone right now. I'm leaving overseas to Iraq soon and I need to stay focused." I again, rant on with no filter. I quickly cover my mouth, realizing what I had just revealed.
Squinting my eyes, disappointment reveling in my stomach.
I hadn't told anyone yet that I signed a contract for the U.S. Army as a contracted civilian nurse. I did this to honor my brother, who succumbed to his wounds from a mission he was on. Nobody knew, not even my mother who I would eventually have to tell. I don't think she's ready to hear that her remaining child just signed up for the military as a nurse. I don't know how she's going to react. Whether it would be a bad reaction or a good one.
"Wait, hold up. Rewind! You're leaving where?" Meredith yells in shock.
Chapter3
ari
It's early morning, just shy of six a.m. I stare at my reflection in the mirror while I adjust my pink cross necklace across my neck just below my collarbones, making sure it's not backward. Showered, hair straightened, and natural makeup applied, I was ready for church. Ever since my brother passed away, I made sure to accompany my mother every Sunday at her request. I dreaded every morning I had to join her with my damaged faith hovering over my mind.
I was lying to her when I said my faith hadn't been altered. It had faded after the death of my brother. I was angry and questioning my entire life, because… why would God take away a soul like my brothers? In such a horrific and unexpected way to top it off. I feel like I’m playing pretend with myself every day now. I was pretending to still be the,everything happens for a reason, optimistic, and unbroken woman I was raised to be.
Truth is, I was struggling every single day to live a life where my brother no longer existed in it. I was no longer that girl, but I was going to try like hell to be.
If that's what it takes to make my mother feel like she hasn’t lost us both... then I'd keep pretending.
I walk over to my box full of printed Polaroid photos from my brother. It was placed safely, on one of the top bookshelves in the corner of my room. Paul would print one photo of us, each time he had to leave for anything pertaining to the military. It started the day before he shipped off to Boot Camp and ended on his last deployment. I always had at least one photograph on hand, keeping it close because it made me feel safe.
The only man in the house was gone.
My father abandoned our family when I was a child. I can barely remember what he looks like. The memories were fuzzy and faded. His face was a shadow every time I tried to picture him in my head. My mother kept photos of my father and us as children together. She offered many times if I wanted to look at them and know the person who helped give us life... but I refused to be reminded of what he looked like. I'd prefer he stayed a shadow implanted in my brain.
If he could abandon my mom to start a new life without us, he wasn't worth remembering or stressing over. However, my mom is stuck in her ways and religion. She never moved on from her ex-husband because she thought it was a sin. Paul always took on the role of the man of the family.
The protector. The responsible one. Always the one in charge. While I took on the role of the little sister that persistently tested his patience.
I was having one of the bad moments where I replayed every single conversation we had together. From the bad ones that originated from fighting to the good ones that were rooted in sibling banter. Second-guessing every single choice of words we exchanged. Regretting words, I had said and things I hadn't said. Regretting every action that affected him in a bad way.
I'm staring at my little wooden box that contains all of the photos he’s given me. There were about ten inside. I tip-toe and reach for it. Finally, after struggling to hook it with one of my fingernails, I succeeded. Letting out a breath I was holding, I open it. Scanning for my favorite picture and I stop when I see it. All the photos on it have a funny message or something simple. I took the one I favored and put it in my purse. I would be taking this to Iraq as a symbol of Paul’s protection and love.
I'm scrolling through my phone when I get an email alert that grabs my attention. I scramble to open it when I see it's from a Book Event that all of my favorite authors were attending. It was a massive, extraordinary event where popular authors would meet all of their readers and the book community they had built. My heart sank when my eyes scrolled over the information. It was only an update, and we were still on the waitlist to receive tickets.
Iwas still on the waitlist. Paul had attempted to get us both tickets to go to the event that was to be held a year from now. He was confident we wouldn't be on the waitlist long and that we were going to attend. It was perfect timing since I would already be back from my first rotation as a nurse. It was to be held in North Carolina and it was so close to where I lived, just a few hours away.
Paul had already pre-paid them, sending the money to my account. It was placed into my savings account collecting dust with false hope. I throw my phone on the floor with such force, I thought I had broken it but the carpet flooring softens the blow. Anger and grief burned into my eyes, tears threatening to make their way out. I turn around and bury my face into my pillow, sobbing because the reality that one of my brothers' last hopeful thoughts, wouldn't come true.
“Don’t worry baby sis, you think so negatively. You’ll get those books signed by your favorite author while I watch. You’re going to be ugly crying and I’ll make sure to take videos and never let you forget it.”
Paul’s voice is in my head as I remember the conversation we had when we found out the Book Event was sold out.
Just another reminder that kills me softly.
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