Page 44 of Heart Strings
“Ready for round two?” I ask, gesturing to the roll of ribbon in her hand.
She jerks upright and gasps at the sound of my voice.
“Sorry to startle you.”
Lo breathes deeply, hand against her chest. “It’s okay.”
“Canned peas? They’re serving breakfast inside later, you know,” I tease, grabbing the aluminum can off the boot of the car. Half a dozen cans are stripped of their labels and tied to the bumper by white ribbons.
“We should move the car. I kind of want the decoration to be a surprise. They’re not doing the whole ‘ride off into the sunset’ thing at the end of the night to start their honeymoon, but I know Lark wanted some cute pictures anyway. I also have those bubbles for everyone during the send-off.”
“You’re not bad at this maid of honor thing.”
Cielo rips the paper label off the peas and fixes the can to a length of ribbon. “What has you up so early?”
Wondering how to turn one weekend into a relationship. I hold up the folded paper. “Practicing my big speech. I always have a hard time sleeping somewhere new.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“Neither did I before I went on tour.” Before then, when I’d spent the night in a strange bed, I usually wasn’t trying to sleep. By the time I’d spent the night with Lo enough times to want to rest, it had felt familiar. She had felt familiar.
“How does that work while you’re on the road?”
“Eventually I got used to the tour bus,” I answer. “Hotels are roomier and private, but I toss and turn the whole night.”It gives me lots of time to think of you,I want to tell her. Not in a sexual way—although I’ve done plenty of that, too—but in the reflective yearning that seems to happen best in the quiet hours. The only remedy was to perform myself to exhaustion night after night and sink into the unfamiliar beds after a couple nightcaps. Just one more reason I was relieved to be on a hiatus for a while.
“Other than the rest, how’s it been? Getting kind of famous, I mean?” Lo hooks her hair behind her ear.
“Most days, it’s a dream come true.” Do I tell her the line I give in interviews? Or the unabridged version? With everyone else in my life, it feels taboo to be too honest. Considering how many people would kill to be in my position, anything that acknowledges the darker side of it all feels ungrateful for my extreme luck in a brutal industry. You don’t want a reputation for ingratitude spreading among fans, fellow performers, or record company executives. But Lo isn’t just anyone. And she’s also always been a realist. “Some days, there is so much pressure, Idon’t even want to pick up a guitar. That’s never happened to me since I started playing.”
I haven’t admitted that to anyone, not even my own mam, who sees my career as a fairy tale. Shattering that for her just feels wrong.
Cielo’s brows knit. “Burnout is bound to happen if you’re giving it your all, all the time.”
She would know. She never stops, never takes shortcuts, never compromises.
“My manager hated the last few demos I made. I hated them, too, although not for the same reason. I thought they weren’t deep enough lyrically, but he thought they weren’t commercial enough.”
Anger flashes in her topaz eyes. “He doesn’t like your music?”
“I haven’t even liked my music lately. The label wants me to move away from the singer-songwriter direction, at least for singles.”
“What? The folkier sound is what makes you special. Sure, you can evolve as a musician, but it should come organically.”
“I’m under contract for the next album and they want to start recording by the end of next month. I might have to take their direction,” I admit, rolling an empty can between my palms. My future hasn’t truly felt self-driven since I signed with the label. A loss of creative autonomy has been the price of financial security.
Lo stares in shock. “Think about it hard before you do anything that threatens your artistic integrity. There’s got to be a compromise.”
“They also want to lock in an album and a tour each year forthe next five. Five albums guaranteed to be produced and released is a rare bit of career stability for this industry.”
“You don’t want some assholes dictating what you can and can’t do for half a decade ofyourlife.”
“This isn’t just about what I want. There’s a fan base and executives to satisfy now and I’ve got to be honest: It’s…a lot of money they’re offering. With careful management, I could make sure my family is comfortable for the rest of their lives.”
“You need to be comfortable with the music you’ll be performing for the rest of yours. Do you want your name associated with music you don’t care about?”
Trust Lo to give it to me straight.
“What does it say about me that I haven’t been able to write a decent song in months?”
