Page 78 of A Face in the Crowd
‘Poky flat, rubbish job. It’s no way to live, is it?’
I want to be furious with him. He doesn’t think it’s an insult but it is. I’m not happy with my life – but that isn’t because of my flat, or the people. It’s because everything I earn goes into paying off rent or his debts. Itisa miserable way to live – but I’m also trying to change it.
‘I like a lot about my life,’ I say. ‘I have friends. I’m studying for my future. I have a job interview tomorrow morning.’
He snorts. ‘What? I thought you were working at a supermarket? You can’t be happy doing those jobs? Come off it.’
Ben doesn’t seem to know I no longer work there. I suppose my downfall at Crosstown was all my own. ‘It’s a means to an end,’ I say.
‘You don’t need that now. You have me.’
‘Youleftme. You stole our savings.’
Ben bites his lip again. ‘Bygones…?’
It’s my turn to snort now. It’s hard not to. Ben barely responds.
‘You put up the posters, didn’t you?’ I say.
He doesn’t answer.
‘You made me email you.’
‘I didn’tmakeyou do anything.’
‘I was trying to be honest! You had me chase around and arrange a meeting and then you didn’t turn up.’
‘I wanted to see you,’ he says. There’s something about the pathetic tone to his voice that makes me believe him. ‘I didn’t know if I could hold off until now,’ he adds. ‘Being close to you kept making me want to say something. I almost opened the apartment door to you so many times when you were in the corridor. I almost walked into the café. I kept stopping myself because I wanted it to be tonight.’
‘Why tonight?’
We lock eyes and there’s a moment in which I realise he doesn’t understand what the past five years have done to me. There’s an obliviousness, a lack of realisation.
‘Because it’s your favourite time of the year,’ he says.
‘It’s not. It’s the time of year when my boyfriend died and I realised he’d taken out loans in my name. It’s the time of year when everything fell apart. When I realised I’d been lied to over and over.’
He sucks in his cheeks and stares at the floor.
‘I’m happier with Billy,’ I say.
The reply is under his breath, so quiet that I barely catch it. ‘That mangy thing.’ He spits the words and suddenly I know.
‘You poisoned him, didn’t you?’ I say.
Ben shrugs. Again. ‘You don’t need him now you have me.’
I look back towards the hall, where Billy and the other dogs will still be hanging around in their corner, going about their evening while protected from the bangs overhead. There’s such innocence there that I can barely square it with everything out here. It’s darkness and light.
‘Did you attack Harry?’ I ask.
‘Is that his name? He’s not right for you.’
It’s not an answer, but Ben speaks like it is.
‘You got the idea from Alex.’
Ben spins, his shoulders tensed, fists balled. ‘Don’t say his name.’
