Page 77 of Glass and Bone
“Ela, listen to me. I did not kill him. He died of infection.” I shake my head, tears freely pouring down my face. “Master Pakin was doing everything he could to save him, but when he reached Chatis, he had a fever.”
“No.” I shake my head, closing my eyes. This can’t be happening.
“The menders there tried everything they could, but he died that same day. I’ve been too worried to tell you. That’s why I had Scarlett brought here, so you still had someone.” He’s soft, reassuring, but I just want to scream.
“No, he was fine!” I yell, collapsing back onto the bed. I can see his soft orange hair, his smile, his bright eyes that looked at me with such duty. I can hear his laugh as he catches my ladies and I calling his brother Lord Hairy. I can still remember the pure delight on his face during his swearing in ceremony. Day after day he found some excuse to keep my father away from me. He never failed to protect me, to put me first. But now he’s gone.
“I am so sorry. I received word almost immediately, but I couldn't find the heart to tell you. You’ve lost so much already.” I let the sobs wreak havoc through my body as I cry. He pulls me onto his lap, holding me close as I cry as hard as I possibly can.
He can’t be gone.
He was fine.
He was healing so nicely, Master Pakin even told me that. Unless they were lying to me.
“I shouldn’t have sent him. I shouldn’t have sent him away.” I stammer through the crying.
“It is not your fault. He wouldn’t have made it anyway. There was nothing we could do, my love.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Morning comes and goes, and I refuse to leave the bed. Lydia tried twice to get me into a bath, but I refused to move. Scarlett came in and sat with me for a while, telling me about the arrangements being made for their wedding. She said she asked for an outdoor wedding, and they agreed, so they will be filling the courtyard with flowers and vines. She’s trying everything to keep me distracted and I love her for it, but even thinking about my best friend's wedding isn’t enough to break me out of this spell.
She tried to talk to me about Erik, but I couldn’t hear her. Hear her say she was sorry and that she wishes she could do something to cheer me up. I wish there was something she could do too. She didn’t know either and when I heard Tobias whispering to her about it before she came over to me, I could see the tears pooling in her eyes. He had been her friend, too. She was always with me, as was he. He was the big brother who annoyed us but always made us feel safe, untouchable. Especially when we were doing things we weren’t supposed to.
She stayed as long as she could before someone named Malia came and collected her for bridal fittings. She told me she requested a pink dress. I thought she was kidding, but she wasn’t. She figured that if I could get married in a red dress, one she is insanely jealous of, she could get married in pink. I can only assume Malia is one of Scarlett’s ladies, as she will have some to attend to her once she becomes Noterra’s only princess. I’m happy for her and her rise in status, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything but sorrow, emptiness. I barely participated in any conversations, even when Theo and Scarlett came in before dinner to see if I wanted to join them outside. I don’t answer, I just stare at the windows, watching the sun fade away and deepen the sky.
Food is brought and then removed as the day goes on, but I still lay here perfectly still, never moving. Tobias came in and tried to force me to eat a few times, but he knew it was pointless. Instead he pulled a nightdress over my head, so I wasn’t naked under the blankets, and put thick socks on my feet to keep me warm since I had all of the windows open. He left me with a kiss on the forehead and a promise that everything will be okay.
Fireworks erupt outside as the sun fully disappears and I still don’t move. I can’t find it in myself to feel anything. If I let myself feel, it’ll break me. Too much has happened. I have endured too much. I can’t go through anything else. So if I don’t allow myself to feel, to do anything, then I won’t get hurt again.
At least that's what I tell myself.
Master Pakin comes in at some point and offers me a milky liquid in a small vial. I take it without fuss and relish in the deep sleep that comes quickly after.
*****
Tobias is still in bed when I wake in the morning. The sun is shining, the birds chirping. It’s cooler today than it has been, another sign that summer is ending. I slide off the mattress and nearly jump when my feet meet the icy marble, which leaves me questioning where my socks went. I step into the fur slippers by the nightstand and walk out to the balcony. My legs feel stiff, and I feel a little sore in my core, which is strange. It feels almost like it did when I lost my virginity, but not as bad. Maybe I am going to get my monthly bleed again. I hope not, that means I am not pregnant.
The festivities from last night are being cleaned up, with the great lawn being readied for today. People are running about cleaning up trash and dishes that litter nearly every surface. You would think some crazy party went on instead of a carnival, but I guess they are more or less the same thing. I feel horrible for those who have to clean up after these events, I only hope that they get to enjoy them too.
I stopped paying attention to what this week is supposed to entail. Each day something new happens, with the exception of the nightly fireworks. I am pretty sure the royal ball is today, which means we only have another two days of events. I have no desire to partake in the ball, but I know my presence isn’t a request, it’s a requirement. This entire week is put on to celebrate Tobias and I becoming king and queen, but it almost feels like we are bragging and pushing our ascension into everyone’s face. Tobias told me that everyone loves welcoming a new king and queen and this is all for them as much as it is for us, but I still don’t get it.
I look over to the left, thinking I’ll see Theo’s balcony, but I don’t. I can’t get his face out of my head, telling me loves me and that he doesn’t want me with Tobias. What does he expect me to do? Run away from my husband and my kingdom? I have no choice; everyone has made that perfectly clear.
Even if I run, choose a life without any of them, what would it entail? I don’t have Erik to keep me safe, Scarlett wouldn’t leave now that she’s engaged. I couldn’t go back to Chatis and see my father, see the disappointment in his face. I don’t have anyone on my side. Just like I told Erik when he was in the infirmary, everyone here sees me as a body for Tobias to utilize. He even said I was the queen he’d play when advantageous, whatever that means. I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. I never thought my adult life would be filled with even more hurt and despair than my childhood.
I return to the room and glance over at Tobias’s sleeping body. He’s snoring softly, his skin a deep tan from the sun exposure the last few days. I, too, have tanned a little. I have freckles appearing across my nose and cheekbones as my skin starts to deepen to a light olive. I always wondered if I would be the type of person who burns instead of tans, but I am glad to see that I have the ability to darken into a color other than red.
Tobias looks at peace the way he’s laying. His face is soft, relaxed, and vulnerable. My feelings for my husband are confusing, fleeting, everchanging, but today. Today I feel nothing. Today I am numb, and I think I’d rather like to be numb forever. I turn away from him and enter the large bathing chamber. After a few moments, steaming water and bubbles caress my body as I slowly sink down.
The sweet smell of roses assaults my sinuses as I take a deep breath. I asked Lydia for something muskier, like vanilla and sugar, to scent my bath salts and oils, but it seems roses are the nation’s flower in everything, including toiletry scents. The tub is deep enough to cover everything, leaving only my head poking out above the surface. I feel safe, protected, deep in the water like this. Like nothing could touch me.
I close my eyes and dig deep, looking for any tether to my green-eyed gentleman that seems to appear when he wants. I feel nothing, but emptiness. I don’t want to go under the water, he said it wasn’t necessary, but what if he’s wrong? I push again at whatever mental shields I am able to picture, letting them open.
“Hello?”I call out to him in whatever mental chasm he is in but get no response. “Please, speak to me.”I squeeze my eyes tighter, picturing him standing right next to the tub. I picture his green eyes glowing in the darkness, his inky hair with the white streak that is slowly growing.Please.
“Elaenor.” His soft voice flits through my mind. I jump and open my eyes, but the bathing chamber is empty.
