Page 26 of Trading Up
No.
No!
No!
His shirt and pants were turning a deep shade of red that I knew could not be compatible with a long life. Which he promised me. I got to work. I used my shawl and shoe to fashion a tourniquet around his leg to stop the blood loss. Then I ripped part of my dress off and used his jacket to stem the flow to the two places on his arm and shoulder where he was shot.
The door opened next to me, pulling me from my memory that was looping the whole drive. The officer who drove offered me his hand like he was trying to coax a wild animal out of his car. I looked around and saw that we were at the ambulance bay entrance.
“Let’s go. I’ll get you in to see him as soon as he’s able to have visitors,” he looked like he was making a pinky promise as a kid, and I didn’t know if I could trust that kind of commitmentright now. Part of me wanted to be alone. Part of me wanted his parents. Oh shit!
His parents! The boys!
“Is there anyone you need me to call? I’m off duty, so I’ll stay with you. I clarified with my boss that I can keep the vehicle until I can drop you off at home, or someone can come get you. Even if that takes a few hours.” His smile was kind, and he looked like a kid, younger than me.
“OK, um, his parents? They’re in my phone,” was all I could manage as I took his hand and let him lead me in. I didn’t hear much of what he said, but soon enough, nurses were checking me out, getting vitals, making sure I wasn’t hit with a bullet. It was the not knowing that was killing me, though. I just wanted to get to wherever Row was. I wanted to know that he was alright. I wanted to check on him; I needed to see for myself that he was going to be okay.
The officer waited for a few hours in the waiting room with me. When the staff came to tell me he was out of surgery, the officer walked me up, telling the staff he wanted to try to ask him a few questions. He got us into recovery, stayed for a few minutes, and after unsuccessfully rousing Row, he left. I was holding his hand when a groggy-sounding groan came from the bed next to me.
“Please, Row. Please, handsome. Wake up,” I whispered as I squeezed his hand. Tears fell from my eyes. I pressed my forehead to the back of his hand.
“Sarah?” I froze. There was no way. No fucking way! I looked over my shoulder, and I wanted to rage. I wanted to stick my finger in his bullet hole. I thought about wishing him endless, random bursts of diarrhea for the rest of his life.
“Leave. Me. Alone. William.” I gritted out. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t even want him to breathe the same oxygen as me.
“You don’t have to say anything. I’ll talk,” I closed my eyes, pissed that he would assault my ears with his voice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I was an absolute idiot.”
“You think?”
“She’s crazy, Sarah. I think she started drugging me. I started losing bits of time, and it was going on for a couple of weeks. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I fell asleep at a friend's house and woke up feeling fine. That was when I realized I’d been losing pockets of time. I started faking drinking a regular nightcap, then got rid of it altogether. She bought the excuse that I wanted to get healthier for her and Cece.”
“Listen, William. Let’s cut to the chase. You want me to feel bad that you finally discovered what her particular brand of crazy was and didn’t like it? Guess what? I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel a fucking thing for you! But let me tell you something. There’s a fine line between passionate and psychotic, and you’ve got one guess which one she is! They both start with P, but there is a fucking difference! You only want me because your whole life, you’ve always wanted what you couldn’t have, or what someone else had. You have never been satisfied with what youdohave, and that’s why you’ll never be happy. You were too busy playing some sick little game, thinking you were winning at life, without telling the rest of us, making us ‘casualties’ in your bullshit.” I spit out in anger. It was all me, me, me that came out of his mouth.
Him!
“Get your bitch on a leash! She comes near meormy family again, I’ll make sure she doesn’t get back up.” I didn’t shout, I just let all the ice in my veins come out of my mouth, seeping into my words so he wouldn’t second-guess my meaning. I hadn’t bothered to look at him once. Taking a breath, I tried to calm myself.
“I used to think I’d never get over you,” I heard him suck in a breath, “I used to be worried that you were the best it was going to get. But my therapist helped me see that you just wanted the perfect image. You didn’t want me. You didn’t want the boys. You just wanted to look like the perfect family man,” I looked at Row laying there, praying he’d wake up.
“You knew he loved me back then,” it wasn’t a question. We had talked about it. Row told me he confronted Will, that he had seen the way Will still looked at other women, instead of keeping his eyes firmly on me. “You should have known you can’t be a cake-eater forever, Will. It all comes out in the wash. Your washing just came clean sooner than you planned. Now, you’ve made your bed.”
I turned to look at him, one final time.
“Lie in it.”
I closed the curtain, giving Row my full attention, ignoring the muffled sobs coming from his side.
T W E N T Y-S I X: Come to Jesus
Will’s POV
I laid in that hospital bed, trying not to cry, and failing. Then I just tried not to sob too loudly. I didn’t want to bother them more than I already had. I laid there that night, looking at the ceiling, listening to her words playing over and over again in my head. I let them sink in. I sat with them for hours. And the conclusion? Something I hadn’t thought possible before last night. She was right. I was selfish. I had been thinking only of myself for years, so my line of thought was skewed. Everything was so fucked from where I thought I’d be. I was supposed to be living a happy life with the younger woman on my arm. Instead, I ended up with a psycho pointing a gun at me and my ex-wife.
“It all comes out in the wash. Your washing just came clean sooner than you planned.”
She wasn’t wrong. I’d been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, ever since Paloma found the folder I’d been saving all their photos in.
My mother had come to visit, bringing Cece with her. Her eyes almost popped out of her head when she saw that my roommate was none other than my ex-wife’s fiancé. Her eyes were wide the whole visit. They were wide when a couple brought in the boys. They didn’t even look over here. I had never felt more invisible than I did in that moment. It was like I was so insignificant that I didn’t register on anyone’s radar.
