Page 54 of Only for Me
I frowned and he gripped my neck tighter and said, “Your father.”
“It’s okay.”
“Nah, it’s not. There isn’t a damn thing good about me making you remember some shit that hurt you, Kari. I fucked things up with my brother and I’m about to mess this up with us too.” He sighed. “I just really fucking miss him. Every day, so this isn’t new, but today is worse. I couldn’t get that night out of my head and I don’t know what to do with any of this.”
“I get it.” I did. Losing my father was hard so I recognized and understood that type of pain. The absence was unbearable and you felt like you lost a piece of yourself that you would never get back no matter how hard you tried. “But this isn’t it, Omiri. What you’re doing is dangerous.”
And scares me because I could lose you like I lost him…
“It might be but it damn sure helps me numb that shit and block it out.”
Things got quiet before I lifted and shifted onto his lap, pressing my knees into the cushions outside of his thighs. Hiseyes lifted to mine, laced with confusion, and he frowned hard but didn’t move or say a word.
“I had postpartum after I had Avi. It was really bad. Like I could barely take care of myself so I really struggled with taking care of her…”
The way he looked at me had my stomach tightening. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed because I struggled alone or because he thought I neglected Avi. Regardless of how things started with the two of them, Omiri loved our daughter just as much as I did.
“She was fine, I had Tiana when I couldn’t pull myself together. You don’t have to look at me like that.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m not judging, Kari. I’m just pissed that I wasn’t there and you had to push through that shit alone. I’m sorry about that.”
“You really like taking responsibility for things you can’t control, don’t you?”
He angled his head to the side and I sighed. “Your brother and now you’re apologizing to me for a decision I made. You weren’t there because you couldn’t be. I didn’t give you the option.”
“Doesn’t fucking matter. You were in a bad place and it wouldn’t have been as hard if I was there.”
“Please don’t do that. I already feel like shit about how I handled things.”
He stroked his fingers over the side of my neck. “I’m not mad, Kari. I might not like that I missed time with Avi but I understand why you made the decision, and if I’m being honest, if you had hit me up back then, I probably would have brushed that shit off. Things happen like they’re supposed to.”
I searched his face, trying to decide if he was giving me an out or if he truly meant what he was saying.
“You good, though? Like you seem okay, but I know shit like depression doesn’t just go away.”
I chewed the corner of my lip, trying to decide how much I wanted to admit to and he read right through my hesitation. “What’s up, what are you not telling me?”
I either had to trust him or keep secrets that could eventually surface. That would surface. “The reason why I say I understand how hard it is with your brother is because it was the same for me after I lost my father. I just…” I paused, then relaxed some when I felt the warmth of his palm on my thighs and the pressure of his fingers pressing into my muscle. “He was my best friend. I am… Iwasa daddy’s girl. I was always closer to him than my mother, so when I lost him, things got dark for a while. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it and my mother didn’t understand. I know she loved him, but she dealt with the loss of him differently. She moved on, focused on work and other stuff. She got so pissed with me because I wouldn’t let it go.” I snorted. “Let go of what? I loved my father and he was gone. I was depressed for a long time. I got help, but only because she was annoyed with me. It was bad for her image. It took a while but I worked through things. I’mstillworking through things but that’s why it was so hard after I had Avi.”
He nodded, slowly studying my face. “I apologize for how we got here tonight.”
Bringing up memories about my father…
“You didn’t know so you can’t…”
“Nah I didn’t, but whether I hurt you intentionally or not, the pain still exists. So I apologize and I need you to let me own that.” The slow rhythm of his fingers on my neck had me relaxing and leaning into his touch.
“Are things better with you and your mother?”
I laughed dryly. “No, that’s a lost cause. Me struggling after we lost my father, she could forgive, but getting pregnant by aone night stand she could not. My mother pretty much disowned me because I was adamant about having Avi. She ‘raised me better than to make such irresponsible decisions’.”
“She knows who I am?”
“No.”
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
The tension in his voice felt like a gut punch but I didn’t let it get to me. “If she knew who you were she would have been all in with a mission of trying to push me to get money or status from you. I didn’t want that type of energy around Avi.” I tried to shift away from him but he gripped my thigh tighter and I sighed. “But the point is, after I had Avi it was just me. So I had to figure it out with therapy and sometimes medication when it gets really bad. I’m a lot better now but I understand what it feels like to be drowning in emotions you can’t control. I think you should talk to someone.”
