Page 33 of Only for Me
The mention of O’Rion twisted in my gut.
“The hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means. Since that night, you’ve been living in his shadow, trying to be the man he was supposed to be. And when you realize that’s not who you are, you start smoking and drinking until you can’t remember either. You can’t be a father for him, especially not with this. She’s your kid, not his. You gotta want this for yourself and for your daughter.”
“I honestly don’t know if I want this or not…”
But I feel obligated.
I was weeks from the worst fucking day of my life, and as much as I tried to pretend I could handle it, there wasn’t a chance in hell I wouldn’t crash out. I already felt the stupid decisions creeping from the back of my mind and people were tiptoeing around me, scared to bring that shit up for fear that they would be the person to push me over the edge.
As much as they wanted to check on me, they also didn’t want to be the reason I lost my shit. Everyday I had a text from someone on my team hitting me withyou good, you need anything, I was thinking about pulling up.
I didn’t want any of that shit because it wouldn’t fix the problem. My gotdamn brother wasn’t here. He never would beagain. The only thing that kept me level at the moment was dealing with Makari and our daughter.
The problem was, could I really do this shit?
“This time of year is hard for you, O…”
“I’m good.” My eyes were tight when they landed on him and he matched my annoyance. Ryland was a true friend, so he had no issues holding me accountable. Now just wasn’t the time for that. There wasn’t ever a time when I wanted to be held accountable for the messed up shit in my head and heart when it came to O’Rion.
“You’re not good. You’re distracted, and as much as I appreciate that your head is level right now because of ol’ girl and your kid, you damn sure better figure it out. What happens when you move past March twenty-eighth. Get a hold on whatever this is and do that shit fast because that little girl deserves more than a father who’s in her life for the wrong reasons.”
I sat in silence for a minute and then Ryland tapped the table. “You’re not gonna say shit?”
“You’re the fucking expert on my life. Why do I need to say anything?”
He grinned. “I love when muthafuckers sing my praises.”
“Bruh fuck you.” I poured another shot, grateful that he let it go, but my mind was still on Avi. “She’s beautiful as hell, Land and looks just like me.”
“I know how parents are about their kids so I’m just gonna say make sure her fits are on point.”
“The fuck you mean?”
“If she looks like your ugly ass then she isn’t beautiful.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “Yo, don’t make me crack your damn jaw. My daughter is damn sure beautiful.”
And so is her mother.
“Then I guess you better stop pissing your girl off by trying to control things and start playing nice. You know how many women I’ve fucked who had daddy issues and wanted me to knock them walls down to make them feel loved.”
I frowned hard as hell and he laughed. “That look right there means you understand my point. Love your daughter, O. Be in her life and teach her game so she’s not out here linking up with men like me…” He paused and lifted the bottle, tipping the neck in my direction. “And you, ’cause you’re not shit either.”
He had a point, and whether I liked his delivery or not, he was right. “I feel you.”
“And learn how to ask that damn woman for permission before you go rearranging her life again.”
I laughed, brushing a hand over my head. “Yeah, she was mad as hell.”
“I’m sure she was. You basically pulled up and told her that her choices weren’t good enough.”
“That’s not what I meant though.”
“Doesn’t matter if that’s how it was received. Women don’t play about their shit, especially when they’re on that building my own without a man type vibe.”
“I probably fucked that up.”
