Page 59 of Sworn to My Heart
The moment we arrive at the familiar building I had begun to call home, I rush to my room in Luca’s apartment, not waitingfor him to follow. I lock the door behind me quickly, and the quiet of the room surrounds me. I lean my back against the door, slowly sliding down until I collapse onto the floor, reality hitting me once more.
Alin, you knew this would happen, now deal with it. You shouldn’t have allowed yourself all this. You should have run away yesterday after saving them. Why did you fall for his words? I should have trusted my instincts, sworn to my heart, not to the mafia. Tears stream down my face as my thoughts become chaotic. I need to pack my few belongings and leave.
I get up from the floor hesitantly, taking a step toward the bathroom when I hear something fall to the ground. I look down and see the pendant I found at the bottom of the sea. I look at it again, running my finger over the name ‘Luca’, another tear escaping.
The storm in my head calms for a moment as my curiosity takes over. I wipe the dried saltwater from it with the fabric of my dress and struggle a bit with the clasp. It seems like it had been underwater for a long time. Suddenly, I hear a click and it opens, revealing an old, slightly faded photo. The picture shows a small boy with a charming smile that looks very familiar. On the left side of the pendant, there’s another photo, much more worn. It appears to be of a woman. I can’t make out much from it. Why does this boy look so familiar? The realization hits me like a wave.
Without thinking twice, I unlock the door and run to Luca’s room, stopping at the entrance, Luca is there. I see him sitting on the edge of his bed, his head tilted back in frustration. I stand in the doorway, my eyes following his movements, my legs betraying me as I remain rooted to the spot. He notices me, and this time, all I see on his face is sadness. I look down at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
“I just want to check one thing before I leave,” I say, my voice coming out as a hoarse whisper, revealing the emotion I didn’t want him to know about. I move toward the nightstand by his bed, feeling his eyes tracking my every step in silence. When I spot what I’m looking for at the edge of the nightstand, I quickly reach out andgrabthe white picture frame. I was right, it’s really Luca. But why was the pendant there? Who is this woman? Given the age in the photo, could it be his mother? Questions start to flood my mind, and I silence them all in an instant.
This is no longer my story, and it’s no longer my place to investigate. I’ll hand him the pendant and move on with my life. I can’t survive any more disappointment from him.
I turn to him, seeing him trying to decipher my actions. It’s as if he wants to say something but is stopping himself. I take a deep breath, holding back the tears, and try to maintain a neutral expression.
I grasp his hand, gently opening the strong fist he’s clenching. He doesn’t resist and lets my touch loosen his grip. I place the pendant in his now open palm and whisper in his ear for the last time, “Goodbye, Luca.” A tear, defying my efforts to show maturity and emotional detachment, escapes once again.
Before I can pull away, he wipes it away with his finger, and it seems as though his body, like mine, is burning up inside. But I prefer to believe that this fire only comes from within me, that I am the only one burning, because if I let myself hope even a little, I might reach a breaking point from which I couldn’t recover. Already, I feel like I won’t be able to get my life back on track.
I step away from him, standing at the entrance to his room, watching as he looks at the pendant. His face hardens, and it seems like his tanned complexion is turning pale. I panic, and instead of running toward the exit, I rush back to him.
“Luca, what is it?” I ask. He turns his gaze to me, and the only thing he says is, “It’s my mother’s.”
Luca
“Where the hell did you find this?” I ask, unable to hide the frustration and sadness that’s been weighing on me these past few hours. My heart is pounding so hard it feels like it’s going to tear through my chest at any second as I look again at my mother’s gold locket. There’s a burning in my throat, and for the first time in a long while, I struggle against a tear that’s about to fall.
Damn it, I’m sending Alin away so I can breathe and function as I should, and instead I’m just sinking deeper. Alin’s gaze pierces through me even without lifting my eyes from the pendant. “When I was swimming, it was on the seabed of a coral reef,” she answers in a weak, distant voice.
No one found a trace of my mother’s body since the day she drowned 28 years ago. As a child, I was so angry at her for leaving Mariano, just a year old, and me with my father in the shadow of the mafia. He remarried before we even had a chance to understand what happened to her.
All the money we spent over the years to find a trace of her body in the sea, every sign, everything she left behind, only to find nothing. And now, the woman driving me insane hands me something I’ve been waiting for all my life, as a farewell gift?
Mom, what are you trying to tell me? Do you want me to losemy mind completely?
“Luca, say something. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” I hear Alin’s voice, as if she’s miles away, but the gentle touch of her fingers on my shoulder burns my skin, confirming her closeness.
“My little man went all out on his own birthday and got me a gift? I must have the best son in the whole world. I’ll never take it off. I love you, my little prince.”
My mother’s tearful glance when I gave her this necklace floods my mind, accompanied by a wave of nausea and a tingling in my throat. My stomach churns.
“Luca?” Alin’s familiar voice reaches my ear again.
“You don’t belong here anymore. You can leave,” I reply in a dry voice. I need silence. I need to be alone. I need to breathe!
The sound of her footsteps hurrying out make the burning in my chest intensify, and my breath catches when the door slams shut, followed by the loudest silence I’ve ever experienced. A tear suddenly falls directly onto my name engraved on the back of the locket.Am I crying?I can’t fall apart. I need to pull myself together!
Because of my irrational worry for Alin, I left Mariano alone today to deal with a big dealer, in an effort to replace Angelo. Without a second thought, I walked away and left my brother to handle it alone when Abert reported Alin’s missing. The thoughts racing through my mind about all the people who could have kidnapped her, abused her, killed her–I lost my head. I left everything and betrayed my role to search for a woman who can apparently take care of herself very well in this world.
I can’t breathe when she’s not by my side, but I can’t perform my duties properly when she is. Now, after tearing us both apart, she comes back with the only proof of my mother’s death?
I lie back on my bed, grateful for the first time that Alin’s scent doesn’t linger on the sheets in my room, and open the locket tolook at the now faded picture of my mother.
“There’s no place for tears here, no place for weakness! Channel your pain into revenge,”my father’s voice still echoes in my ears from the day of my mother’s funeral. We buried a box with a picture and the engagement ring my father gave her that she kept safe in her closet. I didn’t understand what he meant then; I was only three. But now, it’s a whole different story.
I’ve found my weakness, and here, there’s no place for that.
“Mom, what am I supposed to do?” I ask the locket in a whisper, as if the answer will come from it. I feel like the little boy whose mother left him again.
