Page 86 of The Summer Arrangement
“Least of my worries,” he assures me. “Talk to me, Liz.”
“I’m so scared,” I admit. “We could’ve lost her. So much could’ve gone wrong.”
“But they didn’t.” He pats my back softly. “Shhh… You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
“What business did I have thinking I could care for a three-year-old? If I hadn’t called Mom when I did, it could’ve ruptured. And then what? Call Cameron and tell him sorry, I don’t know shit… and may have irrevocably harmed his sweet innocent daughter.”
“Liz, you can’t—” he starts, but I continue with my rant.
“She loves me. She told me as much. How can I let her love me when I can’t even be sure I can care for her the way she needs?”
“Elizabeth.” His voice raises, and his tone is dead serious. This causes me to pause and take notice.
“What?” I ask, wondering why he’s so upset.
“First, you did everything right last night. It’sbecause of youEmilia’s safe right now. You were calm and decisive and only had her best interests at heart. Fuck, you were cool as a cucumber when the rest of us wanted to freak the fuck out. Why are you falling apart now? What’s this really about?”
I take a moment to consider his words.
What is this really about?
“Seriously, Liz… What’s going on?”
“I’m…”When I take stock of my emotions, only one sticks out.“I’m scared, Jax.”
“She’s safe,” he whispers and squeezes my shoulder tight against him.
“No… That’s not it. I’m scared of losing them.”
Fuck, is that really it?
“Losing who? You haven’t lost anyone.”
Yes. When I look deep down, that’s the crux of my issue.
“I’m scared of losing Cameron and Milli. They’ve come to mean so much to me in such a short time. I know without a doubt I love them. But who am I to think I even deserve to be with them? Hell, I can’t even support myself. I’m still in school and won’t even have a paying job until I finish my student teaching. How is that fair to them? Cameron deserves to be with someone his own age who has their shit together. And that sweet, innocent girl… as much as I’d do anything for her, I certainly have no business stepping into the role of being her mom. She’s the most amazing thing ever. She’s smart as a whip, and I swear, half the time when I make a decision for what I think is best for her, I’m totally fucking winging it.”
When I finally take a breath, Jax just cocks a brow and smirks.
“What?”
“Hmmm…” he draws out, and the jerk has the nerve to smile at me.
“Hmmm what? Just spit it out, Jax. My nerves are frazzled, and I’m clearly already losing my shit.”
“There’s so much to unpack in that word vomit of yours, I’m not sure what to tackle first.”
“Why are you smirking at me? What’s going on?”
He should know better than to hold back like he is. Sloane’s my sister after all; I’m sure I’m not the only Lancaster to freak out on him.
“I think…” he starts to say something then narrows his eyes on me. “I think there’s one sentence you need to focus on, and…. the rest… well, it’ll work itself out.”
Replaying my words, I’m at a loss for what he’s getting at.
“Gah, Jax… you expect me to remember what I just said. Apparently, I justword vomitedall over you. I’m running on empty and obviously, I’m on an emotional roller coaster. Help a girl out.”
“You said you love them,” he draws out.
