Page 56 of Only This Once
“So she’s known all along and never told me?”
“No, I didn’t tell her what happened back then. I didn’t tell anyone.”
Phoebe’s eyes filled, tears dripping down her face. “She should have kept a better eye on you. She said she would.”
“She tried to send me home right away, remember? Besides, you were at that party, too. You’re the one who’s my big sister, Feebs.”
“Are you blaming me?”
“No, that’s not—” Jesse took in a shuddering breath, closing his eyes. “It’s no one’s fault. The ones who did it were drunk and—” He swallowed. “Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
“Couldn’t you have fought them off?”
Her words made him flinch. Bile rose in his throat as she kept talking.
“I mean, you’re the guy. Couldn’t you—”
“Stop it, Phoebe.” Charles stood in the doorway with her baby in his arms. Jesse had never seen his brother look so cold. “Talk like that again, and you can leave my house.”
She let out a small sob. “Sorry. I’m not sure what to say!” Tears tracked down her face.
“It’s not about you.” Charles moved closer to Jesse, their shoulders touching. “Jesse is the one who needs our support.”
“Am I the last to know?” Phoebe asked, her lips trembling.
Jesse swallowed, looking away.
“I am, aren’t I? You even told Julia before you told me.”
“She’s easy to talk to,” Jesse said. His arms folded around himself, and he imagined they were hers. “Jules has a way about her, you know? She makes everything better. It’s like she’s naturally supportive, without any effort at all.”
Phoebe’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, there was at least a little effort. I mean, she supported you by fucking you, didn’t she?”
“Phoebe!” Charles’s voice was hard, angry. The baby started crying.
“Well, she did!” Phoebe said defensively.
Jesse hated the way she said it. “Stop talking about it like that! It’s not dirty, like you keep trying to say, and she was the one taking a risk, not me. She did it for me. She said the other time didn’t count and offered to be my first, and I am going to cherish the memory. Even if she never has sex with me again, I can never regret what we did.” The last came out quietly, and he realized he still couldn’t quite believe it had happened, even with the memory of what they’d done so vivid in his mind.
“Oh, Jesse.” Phoebe sighed. “You’re in even deeper now. Admit it, you love her even more, don’t you?”
He made a helpless sound, his arms tightening around himself. “It’s not like I could love her any less.”
Phoebe put her head in her hands. “She’s going to break your heart.”
“I went into this with my eyes open, Feebs. Whatever happens, it won’t be her fault. She’s being true to herself, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He smiled a little as he pictured her face, how it’d looked smiling so close to his. “I love her for who she is.”
Phoebe lifted her head, her face softening as she studied him. Shoving herself up from the table, she threw herself at him, hugging him tight.
Jesse didn’t hug her back, but the thudding of his heart felt a little less painful.
“I’m sorry. I messed this all up.” Her arms squeezed. “Will you forgive me?”
Jesse bit his lip, holding back the automatic absolution. His stomach churned too much to lie like that. He pulled back instead, meeting her eyes. “I think you owe Julia an apology.”
“Maybe,” Phoebe said, stubborn to the end. “I’m still worried that she’s going to break your heart.”
“Even if she does, I’ll be okay.” Jesse had already braced himself for it, after all.
