Page 44 of In the Long Run
‘Not Knox?’
‘You could ask him too.’My attempt at a smile doesn’t stick.
‘Or you could ask him for me.’
‘Sure.I could do that.’It’d be complicated because I’m currently avoiding him, but what Caleb doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
Caleb crosses his arms.The coffee cup rests against his chest.‘How’s that all going?’
I stir my coffee slowly.Blow away the steam that rises from the cup.‘Good.’
He makes a humming noise.‘Your TikToks are fun.’
‘Thanks.It’s all Celeste.She’s the social media guru.’The brittle edge to my voice wavers.
‘Gen.’Caleb sighs, setting his mug back down on the bench.‘What’s going on?’
My mouth twists to the side as I consider how best to answer this and decide to go with the truth.‘I did something dumb.’
‘Rude to refer to Knox that way,’ Caleb jokes but his smile falls to the floor when I sniff loudly.
Christ.I’m not about to cry over a man who doesn’t want me, am I?Emotion wells inside me and I’m too exhausted to fight it.I hate being back here again.Being the joke.The last person to understand what was going on.I promised myself after Tim that I’d never wrap up my self-worth in what a man thought of me again.Not that I’m suggesting Knox is like Tim.Knox mightn’t be interested in me romantically, but he never made me any promises or lied to my face.Knox is a nice, friendly guy who was being nice and friendly.Nothing more.The mistake here was mine.Unlike Tim, who built everything on lies.
‘Gen,’ Caleb says quietly.‘What happened?’
I pick up my coffee and hide behind the mug.‘I asked Knox if he wanted to kiss me.’
‘And he said …’
‘Nothing.’
Caleb winces sympathetically.‘That’s not a no.’
My grip tightens.‘It’s also not a yes.’
‘Maybe you caught him off guard?’
I shake my head.‘I read the situation wrong.It’s okay.’
Caleb steps forward and settles his hands on my shoulders.‘I don’t think so.’
‘You have to say that.You’re my best friend.’
‘You guys have been vibing with each other.Anyone can see that.People are turning up to see it, because they believe that maybe it could happen for them as well.’
‘People are seeing what we want them to see.’I was the one who forgot it wasn’t real.Who got swept up in Celeste’s excitement.Who’d spent too long imagining what it would be like to kiss Knox.
‘Just talk to him, Gen.’
‘And get shut down again?No, thank you.’
There’s a knock at the front door.
I grab Caleb’s arm when he moves to answer it.‘Don’t.It might be Knox.’
‘And?’
‘I’m embarrassed.’
