Page 69 of In the Long Run
And I’m sick to death of it.I deserve better.We all deserve better.
‘Are you okay?’Knox asks.Of course he’s come to find me.Hands buried in his jean pockets, his hair all messy from the mountain air and the baseball cap he took off when we sat down at the table.But it’s his expression that disarms me.Concern is written all over his face in the way his mouth tips into a frown, the lines on his forehead, the earnestness in his eyes.It knocks down the barriers I’ve worked so hard to erect.
‘Is this about the stories?They don’t mean anything.Swapping stories is a rite of passage in the Army.I don’t have any good ones either.’
The easy thing to do would be to laugh it off, pretend I’m fine.
But I don’t want to lie to Knox, or taint whatever this thing is between us.If I expect honesty from him, then I have to offer him the same.I swallow past the lump in my throat.‘If I tell you something, will you judge me?’
He doesn’t blink or look away.‘No.’
‘The guy I dated before Brand was married.’I pause on purpose, and it’s cruel to test him like this when he’s never been anything but good to me.But I know from previous experience that when people promise not to judge you, they can’t help doing it anyway.
Knox’s eyes flicker but he doesn’t speak.He waits and I realise he’s giving me an opportunity to tell him the full story.What am I doing, treating him like this?
‘I didn’t know,’ I continue.‘But we worked together and when Violet said … it brought everything back.I’ve been beating myselfup about this for so long.Thinking I should’ve realised somehow.I’m tired of blaming myself.’
It’s funny how two opposing things can be true at the same time.I don’t want Knox to think badly of me.But I needed to see if he would.His reaction to what I’ve said confirms everything I know about him.
That he’s a good guy.
That what he tells me is true.
I hadn’t realised how much I’d needed to know that.
‘I feel like such an idiot,’ I say.
‘It’s hard to let go of the things that hurt us.’Knox says it so simply, like it’s just true and there’s no need to question it.Or maybe he’s got personal experience to draw upon.Is this what Celeste was referring to when she said that there were good types of notoriety?
‘You want to get out of here?’he asks.‘It’s been fun and I like everyone but’—he shifts his weight from one foot to the other— ‘I’d like to chill out now.Get organised for tomorrow.’
‘That sounds perfect.’
Once we’ve transferred all of Violet’s belongings into Anneke’s car, because they’re staying at the same place, and said goodbye to everyone, we ride in a comfortable silence to the accommodation Yeti organised.
But as Knox unlocks the stained-glass front door of the cabin we’ve been given, my stomach falls to the floor.It’s not the three-bedroom cabin we were expecting.
It’s the honeymoon cabin.
And there’s only one bed.
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KNOX
It’s a fancy-ass bed.
It’s made from solid, dark wood with intricately carved corner posts that reach towards the vaulted ceiling of the cottage.Gauzy curtains stretch between the posts, forming a canopy that spills down each side.The ones at the front are tied with elaborate pink velvet bows, giving us a clear view of the rose petals scattered across the crisp white bedding.There’s even one of those trays with legs in the middle of the bed holding a platter of various cheeses, breads and meats.Bright, colourful bursts of fruit – grapes, strawberries, two mangos in the shape of roses – are mixed among the savoury treats.An ice bucket with a bottle of champagne and two flutes with silver stems stands next to it, condensation dripping down the sides.
When Yeti bailed on us, I thought it might be a bit awkward, but two people in a three-bedroom cabin?No problem.
Thisis DEFCON-1 levels of awkward.We’ve only kissed a couple of times and I’d hoped to share a few more this weekend, but there was no pressure for anything more.Thisfeels like a lot of pressure.
‘Um,’ Gen mutters before turning to me but because we’re still in the doorway, all that does is bring us closer together.Her breast brushes against my bicep, and I suck in a deep breath.
I clear my throat.‘I can ask if they have something else.’
We both know that’s a pointless exercise.The receptionist literally said this was the only cabin left.Bright and Porepunkah are booked out because of the Rail Trail Fun Run.Really it was a miracle that Yeti had snagged a cancellation here in the first place.Most of our Army runners brought their swags and are camping at the caravan park.
