Page 112 of In the Long Run
‘Who did this to you?’It’s a miracle I can even say the words.I’m torn between having an out-of-body experience and feeling heavier than I ever have before.
Gen’s face crumples and I’m about to get arrested for murder.Right after I take care of my girl.Her shoulders curl inwards and she wraps her arms around herself.
‘Baby’—the term of endearment has never sounded more normal to me—‘can I give you a hug?’
She jerks her head from side to side.‘No.Not because I don’t want you to, but because I don’t know what the police will need for evidence.Although I’ve probably ruined it all by running here.’
‘What the hell is going on in here?’Bernie asks from somewhere behind me.
‘I need you to call the police,’ I tell him without taking my eyes off Gen.‘Gen, can we go into the office?Wait for them there?’
She nods.
And with the sounds of Bernie’s panicked voice asking for the police in the background, we walk down the hall.
Listening to Gen’s voice waver as she recounts what happened pierces my soul.And seeing her cry?It kills me.I fold my hands behind my back and stare at my feet as the policewoman finishes reading Gen’s statement back to her.The need to pull her into my arms and never let go so I can keep her safe is so visceral it makes every part of my body hurt.She’s been recorded and photographed, each mark on her skin examined and documented.I had to sit down when that happened.Clench my jaws together so tightly I must’ve done permanent damage to my teeth.
He hurt her.I can’t even think of his name without my vision going fuzzy.
One of the police officer’s radios crackles and I look up.
Gen pulls her hands inside the sleeves of my Croissants and Kilometres hoodie – her clothes have been taken to check for any traces of DNA, because even though Gen can identify Brand, there weren’t any witnesses – leaving her in my jumper and a pair of tracksuit pants Meredith had in her office.
‘We’ll be in touch,’ the police officer says.
Gen barely nods as Bernie stands and escorts the police out.
‘What do you want to do now?’Meredith asks Gen, who sags backwards into the corner of the loveseat.She’s got the whole thing to herself.
‘I want to go home.’
‘Okay, let me get my keys.Bernie can manage stuff here.’Meredith scoops her bag up off the floor.
‘I want Knox to take me.’
Thank fuck.I don’t want to let her out of my sight today.Maybe not ever.
‘Okay.’Meredith does an admirable job of keeping any hurt out of her voice, but I can see it in her eyes.‘Did you drive?’she asks me.
‘No.’
Damn it.Can’t even do this right for Gen.
‘Take my car.’Meredith tosses me the keys.
First things first, getting Gen home, but then I need a new plan.Because there’s no way I’m getting on that plane tomorrow.
Gen’s eyes flutter open when I say her name.
‘We’re home.’I point to the apartment building.We’re parked on the street, because Meredith obviously doesn’t have a garage buzzer.A few days ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to lift Gen out of the car and carry her inside, but nothing about today has been normal.
And while I’d walk across burning coals and broken glass and barbed wire or whatever was required to go back in time and stop this day from happening, it’s taught me the most valuable lesson of my life.
I’m so fucking sick of taking the easy way out.Of trying to minimise myself.If I won’t go to bat for myself, how can I expect others to?I wasn’t being brave the other night.I should’ve talkedto Gen, asked her what she wanted in private and laid all my cards on the table.
When she’s ready – and that might not be today or tomorrow or next week and that’s fine – we’re going to have a real talk.About what happens next.I’m going to tell her how I feel about everything.I’m going to choose the life I want, and hope like hell it’s the same one she wants too.And if it isn’t?Then I’ll survive.I always have.
‘What are you thinking about?’Gen asks.
