Page 105 of In the Long Run
Now he’s catching up,I think.
‘I’m really happy for you, Knox,’ Gen says, filling the silence as she packs up her laptop and diary, all the stuff she brought over earlier to get some work done before Eug convinced her to cook with him.‘This really does sound like an amazing opportunity.’
I move forward, ready to reach for her but Gen steps backwards, putting more distance between us.
‘Nothing’s confirmed,’ I say.You should never believe an Army posting until you’ve been in location for at least two weeks.That’s how much things can change.That’s what I should tell her.Actually, no.I should tell her the truth, but how quickly she’s pulling away knocks my confidence.
‘I’d love to stay and hear more, but I’ve got dinner with my family,’ she says.
I trail down the hallway after her, scrambling to find the right words, but Gen pulls open the door and she doesn’t look back.
When I pass Eugene the remote, he frowns at me.‘You really think we’re going to watch a movie now?’he asks.
‘I was hoping we could.’I’d like to check my brain at the door and not think for a little bit.
‘Seems like there might be somewhere else you should be.’
I shrug.Truthfully, the way Gen reacted before makes me feel like I’ve been planning for a future she might not have even really considered.We talked about deciding what to do next after the run, but it feels like she’s already made up her mind.Add that to the weight of the baggage from my past and all the confidence I thought I’d found here –found with her –is under siege.
I scrub a hand down my face.It’s a delaying tactic, but Eugene lets me get away with it.My plan had been perfect.Get a staff job in Melbourne – or see if I could get approval to work remotely long-term – and try this new life on for size.Give Gen a chance to get used to me being around without an exit date hanging over our heads.Give us the space to really become something.It was low risk and high reward.
‘What are you thinking about?’Eugene asks.
I shrug.‘I don’t know.’
He sniffs loudly … and, fair.Itdoessmell like bullshit in here.
‘Didn’t seem like you were all that excited about this job offer.’He scratches his beard.We’re not related by blood, but we’ve both got the same tell for when we want to say something but aren’t sure how to.
‘I’m not.’
‘Why’s that?’It’s a typical Eugene response.No judgement or pressure.Just a question designed to keep me talking, like he’s thrown a little bit of bait into the water and he’s waiting for a fish to bite.
What about Gen?
What about my confession that I wanted to stay?
What about how happy I’ve been lately?
But if those things are true, then so are their flipsides.At least, that’s how life works in my experience.
What if I risk everything and end up with nothing?
What if Gen doesn’t want what I want?
What if I’m not enough?
Aside from agreeing to be together while I’m here, we haven’t discussed the future.For someone who prides themself on keeping their life tidy, I’ve made a big mess.
‘Seems like a simple decision to me,’ Eug says.
My head snaps up, an incredulous laugh bursting out of me.He’s always been like this.‘Eug—’
He lifts his hand, quietening me.‘I’d like you to listen, little mate.’The nickname surprises us both, based on the way his eyes widen and the nostalgic smile he gives.‘Don’t worry about everyone else.Make this decision for yourself.Do what’s best for you.’
I shake my head.‘But I’m not the only person affected by this.’
Eugene reaches for my hand and squeezes it.‘But you have to live with your choices, so you need to decide whatyouwant first.If you’re not happy within yourself, then you can’t be happy for or with someone else.It doesn’t work like that.Why do you think I haven’t tried to find someone new?’
