Page 55 of Begging for Mercy
My dad sighs. “It is harder, yes. But it’s because of your mom that I know how to keep going. She made me stronger. She’s made you stronger, too.”
“I don’t know about that.”
Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning.
“I do.” He places something in my palm. “You have all the power in the world, Mercy. You can keep going on this path, or you can pick a new direction. It’s up to you where you go, and… who you go with.”
My nose crinkles. “You saw Sam.”
“It was hard to miss him.” My dad rubs the back of his neck. “But it’s the other one I’m more concerned about. He seems… rough.”
Talk about an understatement.
“You don’t usually hang out with those kind of boys, Mercy.”
“I don’t usually hang out with any kinds of boys,” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
“Right… “ My dad sighs. “Your grandmother spoke with him before I came around. She seems to like him, despite his… differences.” My father has no idea how much he’s sugarcoating Kane’s personality. “She fed him a cookie, too. You know how she is about her superstitions.”
Grandma and those damned cookies. “I wish she wouldn’t get involved.”
“It’s her house, too, Mercy. She’s allowed to know who’s coming and going. As do I.” Dad raps his knuckles on the door frame. “Just be safe, Pumpkin. That’s all I ask.”
When my older sister Lilith arrives at dawn, we spend an hour staring at the ceiling and listening to music, and then she flutters around my room picking up my drawings and pinning them to the wall with thumbtacks. It’s like I’m watching a mirror image of myself—a little older, a little more confident in herself—fixing up my space so that I can become her in a few years’ time. We share similar tastes in style, preferring lace spider webs and striped stockings to the typical clothing you’ll find in a department store. Our brother does too, actually, but I haven’t seen Malachi in years.
I wonder if he’s doing any better than me at military school.
By the time Lilith has finished tidying up and pinning things to my wall, charcoal sketches fill an entire section from top to bottom—or at least as high as she could reach. I stare at them for a long time while she sweeps the floor, dusts my empty bookshelf, and gathers my dirty laundry into a basket.
“I’m not usually this pathetic.” Lying back on my bare mattress—because she’s also washing my bedsheets—I cover my eyes with my forearm. “I haven’t been sleeping.”
Lilith spritzes my pillow with the lavender spray and hums appreciatively. She’s always loved lavender. “Wanna talk about it?”
No.I wouldn’t know what to say. I’ve never had boy problems before. Or, I don’t know, played life-or-death games with my pussy.
I start with the simplest topic. “Sam told me he loved me.”
My sister sits on the creaking bed beside me. “How does that make you feel?”
I twist my lips, unsure how to answer. “Happy. Sad. Confused.” Sighing, I kick my feet against my metal footboard. “We decided to remain friends a year ago, you know. He kissed me, and I liked it at first. But then I got scared.” What if I like Sam a lot, and he breaks up with me? Then I’d have no one. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”
“Are you still friends?”
“Yeah… maybe a little more than friends.” Remembering the greedy way he ate me out makes my body hot all over again. “He wants to have sex with me.” I bite my lip. “Even though I want it, I cried before we could… do anything. And then he backedwayup.”
Lilith takes my hand and squeezes. “Sex can be overwhelming when it means change. But change doesn’t have to be scary or bad. It can be a really, really good.”
“I don’t need a therapist right now,” I grumble, “I need a sister.” I smack her with my pillow. “I cried because… because Iwantto want him. He’s my best friend. I know he’ll take care of me. Helovesme. If anyone gets my virginity, itshouldbe him!”
“...but?”
I cover my face with both of my hands. “There are these other guys.” Thankfully, Lilith doesn’t comment. “One of them wants to share me.” Still, nothing. Some of the tension in my body relaxes, and I peek over at her. She’s listening intently, her eyes closed and her lips pursed.
“I’m worried that if I have sex with Sam, that’s it, we’re a couple. It’ll close the other doors.”
“But you don’t love Sam.”
“Idolove Sam. He’s funny and charming and caring. He makes sure I take my meds—” I blush at the memory of his tongue inside my mouth. “And he’s always there for me. Of course, I love Sam. But I also…” I take a breath. “I like this other guy. He’s different. Crazy and chaotic and powerful. He wants to have sex with me, too, but he doesn’t want more than that. For him, it’s just sex.”
