Page 45 of Chaos
Was this what rejection felt like? Have to say, not a fan.
Usually my partners were banging down the door, begging me for repeats, not that I was known for an encore. Unless I was on stage, of course.
“Are you saying you don’t want me?” I asked, adding a layer of bravado-shaped armor around my heart. “That’s not what you said the other night when I was fucking you so well you could barely speak. Although, I guess technically you weren’t saying much of anything.”
“Sin, I can’t do this.”
A low ringing took up inside my head, and my palms started to sweat. “Can’t do your camming session? Great. What are you in the mood for?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
I did, dammit. And I hated it.
“Merri, I don’t understand what’s happening here.”
She glanced over her shoulder, her expression guarded and distant. “Nothing is happening. I’m going to cam and feed so I don’t have to take from any of you. We don’t have to pretend this is more than it is.”
“Pretend?”
“You guys protect me. I manage my needs on my own. We don’t have to do this fake relationship thing. We both know you’re not built for something real.”
Fucking ow.
I mean, she wasn’t wrong, but damn. Give a horseman a chance.
My chest tightened, my pulse thrumming rapidly in my ears. “Are you fucking serious?”
Her walls were up so high I’d need a Trojan horse to get past them. Maybe I should ask Chaos for help?
“Why wouldn’t I be?” She huffed out a laugh. “You don’t actually think I’m naive enough to mistake this for something else, do you? Lilith raised me, for crying out loud. Give me a little credit, Sin.”
“Maybe that’s all it was for you, but don’t put your bullshit on me. I deserve better than some unhealthy situationship with you.”
Her mouth fell open and she stared at me in shock, blinking a few times as my words landed.
“You . . . wait. You wanted more than sex?”
God, I felt like the world’s biggest idiot. Shoving my hands into my pockets because I had no clue what to do with them, I shrugged and stared down at my feet. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“Well, no. Of course not. But you never indicated... How was I supposed to know?”
“I thought the whole not feeding on you and, you know, making sure you had everything you needed thing might have made that clear. Not to mention the way I let my walls down for you.”
“But I asked you outright. I gave you an opening, and you never said so.”
“Do you think that’s maybe because you’d just saidyoudidn’t want more? I was trying to respect your boundaries. Also, this is fucking new to me, all right? I’m figuring this shit out as I go. And not doing a very good job, apparently.”
Feelings, the anti-Viagra. My boner had officially left the building. Abandoned By My Boner was totally going to be my next single. A country song, I think.
Save a horse, ride a horseman.
I’d fallen so deep in my wallow it took me a beat to realize Merri was talking.
“Sin, I’m not sure I can be in a relationship. Not with anyone.”
Fuck, this woman was really good at hurting my feelings. “Why not? Because if you’re trying to say you killed the last guy you loved, I’d like to present exhibit Horseman. I can’t die.”
“Because I don’t know how to let you in.”
