Page 41 of Chaos
“It is forbidden, darling. If you were to get caught, the penalty is death.”
“And if I don’t get caught?”
“The risk of building a bond you cannot break is still there.” Lilith paused, her voice softening as she added, “Ask yourself this, Merri. Are you willing to be tied to these men for eternity? Because that’s the true danger.”
I bit down on my bottom lip. To say I felt conflicted didn’t begin to cover it. It had only been a handful of nights, so why did it feel like something precious was being ripped away from me? Memories flickered through my mind, each one bringing with it a fresh wave of loss. Malice calling me his wife as he held me tight. The way Chaos had worshipped me even when he thought it was a one-time thing. Grim’s possessiveness over me and my body. Sin’s confession and unexpected tenderness. I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I wanted more.
From all of them.
“After, with Chaos, I had bruises. Can I hurt them in these dreams?” I asked, already knowing the answer in my gut.
“Of course. Whatever happens in a dreamwalk affects the living body. How else do you think incubi spread their demonic seed?”
I screwed my eyes shut tight as a new stab of guilt hit hard. I couldn’t continue this. Despite any upside, there was far too much risk. More than I ever could have expected. I never would have attempted it if I’d known how real it all was.
“I wish you’d told me about this sooner...” I whispered.
Silently adding,if only so I didn’t know all that I was giving up.
That was the part that stung. Because of course I could continue to feed and build relationships with these guys in the traditional sense, if that’s what I wanted. But I wouldn’t get to uncover those secret pieces of them. The subconscious desires they’d never willingly share. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Grim couldn’t even touch me in the physical world.
“I am sorry, poppet. I never thought you’d figure it out. Dreamwalking isn’t a skill easily tapped into.”
Numb, I nodded before realizing she couldn’t see me. “Thanks for calling me back.”
There was a slight hesitation before Lilith responded. “About that...”
Oh God, what now?
“We can’t speak like this again, Merri. It’s too dangerous.”
Goddammit. I needed more than just these four grumpy men who kept me on a need-to-know basis. I had no allies if Lilith wasn’t even available.
“Who am I supposed to talk to?”
“Trust the horsemen, Merri. I chose them for a reason.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but she hung up before I could respond.
“Ugh. Just great.”
I’d lost my mentor and my meal ticket all in one fell swoop. Fucking perfect. Life hadn’t felt so meaningless since losing Jimmy. Lilith might as well have left me locked up in Blackwood. At least there I could pretend to have some semblance of a real life and meaningful connections. No one had to hide who they were there. If anything, we were taught to embrace the truth of who and what we were. Lilith said to trust them, but how could I if I didn’t know their secrets, their desires, their feelings? They sure as hell wouldn’t offer that up willingly. And without access to their dreams to discover the answers myself, what could ever exist between us?
The answer made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Nothing.
Nothing real could exist between us.
Chapter
Eleven
SIN
An odd heaviness sat in my chest as I ran through my morning routine. I’d woken up in the middle of the night filled with a sense of joy that quickly turned to loss as I realized it had just been a dream. One I could barely remember now but had felt so real at the time. The constant in my mind washer. Merri’s presence permeated the fragments that remained, her presence and the feelings.Feelings? Fuck. Dream me wasn’t simply lusting after her. Dream me had gone and caught feelings.
Feelings that weren’t feeling at all dreamlike, come to think of it.
