Page 19 of Outlier
I felt completely mortified.
“Vicky?” His tone was concerned. He’d clearly felt me stiffen in his arms. He was probably worried I was going to freak outagain. And who could blame him? I’d made it clear I wanted him two weeks ago, and now, I’d reacted like he’d assaulted me, when all he did was touch his mouth to mine.
The memory of that kiss tore through me like fire. It was, hands down, the best moment of my life, and I’d proceeded to ruin it. “Hey, princess. You okay?”
Princess.
As soon as I pushed against his chest, he loosened his arms, and I stepped back. Then, as if a switch had been flicked, other memories invaded:
Well, I’ve got news for you, princess. I wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole.
You can stop with this bullshit, staring at me all the time.
You want some fun with a bit of rough, and I’m not interested.
You, you’re like a beautiful vase—great to look at but empty inside.
The trouble with my memory was that I could recall everything with absolute accuracy. Every word Mike had said to me was still burned on my soul. I wasn’t lying when I told Mike I didn’t blame him for his unkind words. I knew how I “wound people up” as Rebecca would say—it was one of the reasons I didn’t push myself on Margot, Ollie or Claire, and why I only came to Buckingham House when I was specifically invited. I didn’t want to use them up. I didn’t want them to tire of me. I could be very tiring.
Now, for some reason, Mike had kissed me. I analysed the facts for a moment. I was very physically attractive, I knew this—it was simply a fact. I could never understand beautiful women who denied what they were. If you were physically attractive, the attention you garnered was obvious and constant. I may not have been able to read people very well, but I knew when menwere attempting toget in my knickers,as Lottie would say. I wasn’tthatoblivious.
So if you combined the fact that I was physically attractive with the other facts about the situation, it made perfect sense for him to kiss me.
Number one, I’d been in just a bikini. It was something I already knew Mike found arousing—there was no hiding that physical reaction either. Number two, I was still only half-dressed, and number three, the last time I saw Mike, I’d made it clear that I found him extremely attractive, and his interpretation of this declaration was that I wanted an immediate sexual relationship with him. Due to my poor communication skills, I hadn’t been able to correct this assumption.
I had my answer.
I’d had a particularly uncomfortable session with Abdul in the aftermath of my previous confrontation with Mike. When I told him what had happened, he was open-mouthed with shock for a full minute.
“Let me get the straight, Vicky,” he said slowly. “You order furniture from this man, and when he delivers it, you launch straight into how you find him attractive and want toproposesomething to him? But he cuts you off before you can get any further?”
“Well, yes. I thought the direct approach would be the most expedient.”
Abdul sighed. “Vicky, have you ever watched any pornography?”
I wrinkled my nose in disgust. “Pornography? No, I have not.”
“What you’ve just described is a pretty standard scenario of a rich woman wanting to have casual sexual relations with an attractive, blue-collar delivery man-slash-plumber-slash-builder, take your pick. He probably felt like you were just wanting a quickie, and he got offended.”
“Oh.”
Abdul sighed again. “Look, Vicky. I know you like this guy, but from what you’ve told me, he’s not interested. And I’m sorry, but he sounds like a bit of a di–.” Abdul broke off and cleared his throat. “He sounds like an unpleasant individual. What he said to you was not okay. I don’t think you’d be safe with him.”
I shook my head. “No, he’s not dangerous. He?—”
“I don’t mean physically unsafe, Vicky. I mean emotionally unsafe.”
I took another step back. My mind flashed to the hours I’d spent under that coffee table. I didn’t think I could go through that again. I still wasn’t managing proper meals, but then the added stress of Darrell and the upcoming wedding was contributing to that as well.
And now, Mike had witnessed how, behind the mask, I was vulnerable.Masking—that was how Abdul described it. With Lottie’s help, and if I avoided becoming overwhelmed, I was able to do it pretty successfully.
But I knew that long diatribes on the inaccuracies on analogue timekeeping and wrenching away from someone when they kissed you, even though they knew you were outrageously attracted to them, was not successfully masking. Not even close.
And that didn’t even include me running away from the pool like a mad woman earlier.
But I simply couldn’t stay to hear Ollie tell the others how painstaking it had been to teach me to swim. He’d had the patience of a saint back then, slowly getting me over my aversion to water, one meltdown at a time.
I couldn’t bear the thought of Mike thinking I was a freak, of him seeing behind the mask any more than he already had.Maybe if I’d known I could be safe with him it would’ve been different, but after what happened two weeks ago, and with Abdul’s advice ringing in my ears, I knew that wasn’t the case.
