Page 60 of Unworthy
When we got to his car, Heath shoved the forgotten sandwich at me along with fresh takeaway tea, and kept glancing at me on the way to his place until I opened the packet. I told myself his fussing was annoying, but it was surprising how much better I felt by the time we arrived at his house after eating some food. He guided me inside and up to his spare bedroom. By that stage, it was gone midnight.
“How long was your shift today?” I asked as he chucked one of his t-shirts on the bed for me to wear.
“What? Oh, I started at seven for handover.” He gave me a small smile and I could see the lines of exhaustion around his face and dark shadows under his eyes. One of his eyelids flickered, which I knew from old was a sign that he hadn’t been sleeping enough. I frowned. Had he not been sleeping since his dad’s funeral? Was everything still weighing on him? Since that incident with Bodhi at the beach, I hadn’t seen him at all. Verity seemed okay. She’d actually relented and let me set up some essential oil diffusers in her cottage. On my last visit, she’d even accepted a calming crystal by her bedside and practised some breathing exercises with me. She wouldn’t admit to having any more panic attacks, but then shewasa typical evasive Markham. What if Heath was taking it worse than her? To compound that guilt, I also realised that I’d been the reason he’d just spent an extra two hours in the hospital, which would only have added to his exhaustion.
“Thanks for today,” I said, moving to him to take his hand and give it a squeeze. He looked down at our linked hands for a moment, then back up at my face. We stared at each other long enough for me to watch his pupils dilate. It was hard to say who moved first. Maybe we moved at the same time – our bodies seemed to be in complete synchrony, and the current between us just snapped. Before I knew it my arms were around his neck, his hands spanning my back, and we were kissing. Everything after that was frantic, edged with desperation. Tearing off each other’s clothes, we were both consumed by the same urgent need to be closer. The relief of coming together and of drowning out all the sadness and loss of the day was acute. I needed Heath, and he needed me, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. We fell asleep wrapped in each other, Heath’s forgotten t-shirt lying on the floor next to the bed. I let myself float on the cloud of bliss and security in Heath’s arms. Shoving my doubts to the back of my mind for now.
*****
Heath
I knew I should sleep. It was frankly ridiculous not to sleep after such a long shift, and I did manage a few hours at first. But at six in the morning when I was woken by Yaz shifting against me, sleep was not at the top of my priority list. I felt better than I had in weeks. Holding Yaz in my arms was the most powerfully right experience I had ever had in my life. It was as though she was meant to be there and, now that she was, the universe was back in the proper order. I felt like I could breathe again without that hole punched in my chest. But in the back of my mind there was a niggle of worry – had I taken some sort of advantage of Yaz’s state of mind yesterday? When she’d kissed me I was beyond all reasoning to that effect, but now in the cold light of day I wondered if I should have made myself wait so that I could talk to her before we started anything – make her understand how much she means to me, how muchthiswould mean to me.
Just before eight, Yaz’s eyes opened, and she blinked up at me from her position on my chest.
“Hi,” she whispered, then to my immense relief she smiled a sleepy smile, which I returned, my arm around her shoulders giving her a squeeze.
“Hi,” I whispered back. She glanced up at the sun streaming in through the window and frowned.
“Shit, what time is it?” She moved, pulling away from me at lightning speed and grabbing her phone. “Oh bugger! It’s nearly eight. I’ve got a class at nine. She jumped out of bed and started pulling on her clothes. My body felt cold without her.
“Look, Midge, can’t you just cancel it for today? I’m sure your clients will understand. You must be exhausted after yesterday.” I followed her out of bed and grabbed some jeans from my cupboard. By the time I’d dragged them on, she was nearly fully dressed.
“I’m fine.” She flashed me a brief, unconvincing smile and shoved her phone into her back pocket. “Work will keep my mind off it anyway.”
I had a few other ideas for activities to keep her mind off it, and Yaz flitting out of my door the moment she woke up didn’t fit into any of them.
“We need to talk about what happened last night.”
“I know we do, Heath. And we will, I promise. Later.”
I huffed, feeling annoyance bubble up to the surface. It was Saturday morning, and I wasn’t on a shift. The woman I loved had woken up in my arms. As far as I was concerned this was perfect. I was in no way prepared to have it ripped away from me so soon. So, I spoke without thinking.
“Surely it doesn’t matter that much if you give it a miss for once? It’s not life or death.”
Yaz stopped in her tracks and slowly turned to me. One look at her face, and I knew I’d said the wrong thing.
“So, if you had a shift in the emergency department now, you’d be happy just to chill your beans and not bother showing up?”
“It’s hardly the same thing. It’s not like you’re…” I trailed off as I saw the colour rise in Yaz’s face.
“Go on,” she said in a low, dangerous voice. “Not like I’m what? Saving lives? Maybe, maybe not. I do teach water safety as well to the kids, so it depends on how you look at things. Maybe there are a few humans who haven’t ended up in your life-saving department because of my efforts at prevention. But, Heath, what I do and how worthwhile it is according toyouisn’t the issue here. This is my livelihood. It’s important to me. I had thought that you were coming to understand that, but judging by this conversation and the way you treated Bodhi the other night I’m starting to think you’re just a really good liar.”
Fuck, I’d done it again. How was I such an insensitive prick?
“No, no, I didn’t mean it that way,” I rushed to say, following her out into the corridor. “Of course what you do is worthwhile. Look, you suffered a loss yesterday, so yes, actually in the same position I might well call in sick if I’d just lost someone close to me just the day before.” She rolled her eyes before shoving her feet into her trainers. “Okay, okay, let me drive you.”
“It’s about two hundred yards. I think I can manage.”
With that, she flung open my front door and stormed out. By the time I’d grabbed a t-shirt and my shoes, she was long gone.
Chapter 30
Not cool, bro
Yaz
“I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand how we’re not in profit?”
