Page 50 of Unworthy
“I’ve noticed.”
“You’ve got to understand, I had so little control as a child. When I could finally be the one calling the shots, I wanted everything to be on my terms, to be ordered how I needed it to be. I should have had counselling like Verity, but I told her I didn’t want to dredge it all up. That I was fine. I believed I’d be fine – if only I could control everything around me, make sure there weren’t any unpredictable elements in my life. I thought I would have it all sorted. I have a list. Did I ever tell you that?” He let out a dry laugh. “A list of criteria… for my ideal woman: educated, preferably with a profession, attractive but nottoobeautiful – not beautiful enough to addle my mind – prompt, reliable, predictable, hard-working, organised, teetotal, able to cook, showing low-expressed emotion, and not keen on staying out late.”
“Wow, your ideal woman soundssuperfun.”
Heath flicked a glance at me and flashed me a small smile before looking back at the road. “I know it sounds crazy, but I…”
“You didn’t want to end up with someone like your mother. Someone who would let you down.” He pressed his lips together and then nodded slowly.
“So, you categorised me into the unreliable, uneducated and totally unsuitable category by the time I left my teens behind. You viewed me as unworthy.”
Heath’s jaw clenched so tight that a muscle ticked in his cheek. “It wasn’t just the list. It was how wild you were. Beautiful and wild. You hated the confinement of school – everyone could see that. You took risks on the water, which I didn’t understand. All I saw was you out there in the sea, flying through the air, doing incredibly dangerous stunts. I didn’t see how much training and dedication you put in, or how safety conscious you were. All your alternative therapy stuff I thought was just nonsense. I didn’t see how you were shaping it into your career. Or how much you were helping people. If I’m honest, I didn’twantto see. I was so drawn to you it was terrifying. I noticed the way you looked at me – I knew that if I wanted you I could have you, and deep down I knew that if I let myself have you I would get so lost I’d be out of control… again. I’d be at the mercy of someone like…”
“Someone like your mother,” I finished for him in a dull voice. Had he really compared me to that monster?
He groaned. “No, Yaz. I don’t mean it like that. I knew you were nothing like her. Maybe I didn’t realise how hard you worked or how dedicated and responsible you were, but Ididknow how kind and how loving you were. It was just… the strength of my feelings scared me, and I didn’t trust you, not enough.”
Silence filled the car. As I looked out of the window, I could feel my eyes stinging and my vision blurred. I sniffed and then felt Heath’s hand over mine where it was resting in Winnie’s fur.
“I’m sorry, Yaz. Please give me another chance.”
“So now your list doesn’t matter to you?”
“That list was always just a bunch of bullshit to make sure I never reallylived. I know that now. I know that I’ll never find what I’ve found with you. I trust you now – more that I’ve trusted anyone in my life. I want to feel out of control with you, because I know you’d never let me down.”
I turned my hand over in his and gave it a squeeze. One of my tears spilled over and fell down my cheek. He glanced at me as we pulled up to a traffic light and I gave him a watery smile.
“I’m in love with you, Heath.” He sucked in a sharp breath, and the hope in his face nearly cracked my resolve. “I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven years old. But I’m sorry,Idon’t trustyou. Knowing what I know now, I can understandwhyyou might have been wary of me, but I never deserved the way you treated me.” Heath turned to me with a devastated expression. My gaze flicked out of the window, then back to him as we pulled up to a stop on the kerb. I’d been so focused on our conversation that I hadn’t even noticed that we’d arrived at my flat. “You’ve got to understand. I thought you were everything when I was little. You were my hero. Then you were… you were somean. To me. It was so shocking and upsetting that I still have nightmares about it.” His face was really pale now, and I felt terrible for delivering this blow after everything he’d been through this weekend. But I had to be honest with him and I just didn’t think I could get past this. “That’s why I can’t trust you again. Why I can’t allow myself to. But Iamhere for you, just like you were always there for me when I was little.”
“You don’t trust menow,” he said. “I can work with that. Trust can be earned.”
I turned away from his determined expression to look out of the window. The truth was that he’d let me down so very badly that I really wasn’t convinced there was a way back from it. The strength of my feelings for him made it worse in a way – made me more exposed. I might have been a risk-taker by nature, but this was a step too far.
“I’m sorry about what you had to go through this weekend. You know we’re all here for you and V. We love you both. Your parents were evil and cruel – note I’ve put your mum in the past tense as well, because that’s where she belongs.” I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, squeezed his arm and then turned to get out of the car, blinking back tears as I laid Winnie carefully down on the passenger seat. I made it to the front door, swiped my face to remove a rogue tear, then turned to watch Heath drive away. He was focused on the road ahead, that fierce determination still on his face.
Chapter 24
We miss you
Yaz
“I had to turn them away,” Dee told me. “He didn’t even bother to cancel the class.”
“What? B–but he promised he’d–”
“Yaz, honestly, you were away for three days and he really didn’t do much of anything that I could see. The only class he ran was for the advanced adults and even with that, you had to do all the clean-up when you got back. Just like you’re having to do now.”
I carried on rolling up the sail I was busy with. Dee was right. There was equipment everywhere, and this was becoming a regular thing with Bodhi. But what really upset me was the fact that he’d bailed on the kids while I was away last week. I knew he didn’t approve of the academy side of the business – he’d dropped enough hints to that effect – but to let them all down like that. I bit my lip as I looked up at Dee.
“Okay, it’s not ideal. But–”
“You deserve better, Yaz.”
I looked away from her. The problem was that I struggled to believe I did deserve better. Bodhi was a decent water sports instructor, but more importantly he looked after the finances and I really couldn’t manage that side of things. Yes, I could ask for some help from my family. But that would mean admitting that I couldn’t manage on my own – it would reinforce all of their beliefs that education was key to success. The trouble was that, regardless of how long I’d spent at school, I would never be good with numbers. They just didn’t make any sense to me, however hard I tried. Maths just never made sense to me. I’d only just scrapped past in my GCSE and that had been on the second sitting. Bodhi had a great head for numbers so I thought we’d make a good team. The only problem was that he didn’t seem to be too forthcoming when it came to explaining the books to me, or keeping me updated on how we were doing financially. He said it would take too long, and that I was better out on the water. But I was starting to get a bit worried. Bodhi had bought himself a new set of wing foiling equipment with company money and yet told me we couldn’t afford any more small learner sails for the kids, which we desperately needed as the class was growing. But when I’d asked to look at all the spreadsheets, which he’d produced without hesitation, I just couldn’t make head nor tail of them. He’d noticed my confused, defeated expression and just shaken my head from side to side using my ponytail (a move which was starting to really piss me off) and told me not to worry about it, that it was all in hand.
“I’ll talk to him about letting the kids down,” I muttered. “But you don’t understand, Dee. I need him to be involved in the business.”
Dee crouched down next to me and laid her hands over mine to stop me from fiddling with the sail ties. “You’re exhausted, honey,” she said softly. “You’re running yourself into the ground making money for that prick and not seeing any of the rewards yourself. When was the last time you bought any new clothes that weren’t gifted in sponsorship deals? When’s the last time you did anything for yourself at all?”
