Page 40 of Unworthy
When I finally emerged, having had the unpleasant experience of re-experiencing yesterday’s alcohol binge in reverse (there was no food – I hadn’t eaten anything except breakfast the day before), Yaz wasn’t in my bedroom. Relief and, if I’m honest, a whole lot of disappointment flooded through me, which was bizarre – I was in no state to deal with the intensity of my emotions for Yaz right then. But after I jogged downstairs in search of coffee, I found her at my kitchen island. As I approached, she gave me a small smile and pushed a large glass of thick purple liquid into one of my hands and two tablets into the other.
“I need caffeine, Yaz,” I told her, placing the suspect glass down on the granite and eyeing the tablets. “And I’m not downing some sort of valerian root or whatever the bollocks this is.”
“It’s paracetamol,” she replied, her lips twitched. “Some doctor you are. And this will rehydrate you better than your crappy coffee.” She pushed the glass towards me, and I crossed my arms over my chest. That angry ball of energy was still there, making me stubborn and ungrateful for no reason. “Try it.” Her voice was soft now. “For me.”
I huffed but did uncross my arms to chuck back the tablets and down the purple stuff. It was surprisingly good. She smiled at me. The white of her teeth against her tanned skin with light pouring in from the floor-to-ceiling windows onto her golden curls made her seem almost ethereal. I blinked and took a step back to stop myself reaching for her. She frowned at the movement and her smile went down a notch. I needed to get her out. My mind was all over the place and I felt numb.
I had a feeling that I should have committed to the therapy Verity wanted me to have with her all those years ago. But I’d thought that if I just shoved it all down deep into the back of my mind, if I tried to forget, then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. That bastard dying was raking it up all over again. As was the fact I had to gothere. Why did V insist on going there for Christ’s sake? My phone vibrated in my pocket with my sister’s ring tone as if I’d summoned her to call. I broke eye contact with Yaz to answer it which I was glad of. She was making mefeelway too much. I needed to stay numb.
“What?” I snapped into the phone.
“Just checking you’re still alive.”
“I’m fine, V.”
“You weren’t so fine last night.” Verity’s voice had dropped to a soft whisper. There was concern threaded through the words. She was worried. She was worried because, yet again, I was the weak one. It was different when we were children. Back then I had protected my sister, at least I’d tried to. But now… now she seemed to be the one who could process things, who could move on.Iwas the one she needed to protect, to worry about. And I hated it. I sighed as I slumped down into the nearest stool, my elbow hitting the granite and then my head going into my hand. I stared down at the floor and gripped the phone until I could feel it creak.
“Last night was… a blip,” I said, lowering my voice and turning away from Yaz.
“You never drink, not like that. Not like…”
She trailed off but we both knew what she was going to say. Not likethem. Never like them.
“You don’t have to come back with me,” Verity said again. She’d been telling me the same thing for the last week.
“You’re going, so I’m going. If you ask me, we should just burn the place to the ground, but I know you feel you need to go, and I won’t let you do it alone.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. My hangover was kicking in with a vengeance now. I let my elbow slip down until my arm was flat on the granite and my forehead resting on it.
“Okay,” she whispered finally. “Okay, Heathy.”
“Okay, V-May.” She disconnected and I lay the phone on the counter, not bothering to raise my head from my arm. My head was throbbing again. After a long moment, I felt a soft touch to my back and I stiffened. Why did Yaz have to be here now? Why did she have to see me like this? I’d already fucked up so much with this woman. Now was not the right time to start sorting that shit out. I couldn’t even sort my own head out, let alone try to resolve things with Yaz.
“Here’s your caffeine,” she said as she pushed the cup in front of me.
“Thanks,” I muttered at the floor. I felt her move closer, her arm wrapping around my back as her body moved into mine.
“We’re all there for you and V, if you’ll let us be,” her mouth was so close now that I could feel her soft breath on my ear. “You and Verity hold too much to yourselves. Too many secrets. You both need to let your friends in.” I allowed myself a moment to soak in the feel of her against me, allow her soft scent to fill my nostrils, then I took a deep breath in and gathered my self-control, before pushing up and away from the granite counter and from her. Both my hands went into my hair and I took a few steps back.
“Verity and I will deal with this on our own, like we always have. That’s what works for us.”
“But it’snotworking for you, is it? You can’t say that after last night. I’ve never seen you like this Heath. If you could just tell us what–”
I let out a hollow laugh, cutting her off. “Trust me, you don’t want to knowanyof this stuff. V and I will go and sort it. I just… I can’t deal with you at the moment, Yaz.”
A flash of hurt flitted through her expression before she cleared it. I was fucking this up. But how could I possibly explain everything to Yaz? Her family were so far removed from ours. How could I explain to someone who loved her own dad so completely, the mixture of relief and boiling anger I felt when mine died? I needed to be careful with Yaz now if I had any chance with her in the future.
I tried again. “That came out wrong… I’m just… everything is just so messed up in my head. I don’t want to lash out at you, and I will. I’m not a good person to be around at the moment. And I’ve buggered up everything with you so much. I don’t want to make things worse.”
Yaz’s expression softened and she moved closer until we were inches apart.
“Showing you’re vulnerable is not buggering up.” Then she stepped right into my space, laid her head on my chest and wrapped her arms around my middle in a hug. Until that moment, until I felt her arms around me, I hadn’t realised how much stress I was carrying. As I wrapped my arms around her in return, it was like the tensionfell away. My life started to look manageable again. I felt centred, calm almost – a miracle considering how ramped up I’d become since the news last week. The faint feeling of nausea receded. I let myself revel in it for longer than I probably should, breathing in the light, shampoo smell of her hair but then I straightened up and set her away from me before clearing my throat.
“Right, well thanks for the hangover cure. I can feel it kicking in already.” That last comment was, to my shock, not an actual lie – I did feel a hell of a lot better, physically at least.
“You’re not going to let me in, are you?” There was no heat in her voice, just resignation.
“It’s all fine, honestly. V and I will just go and sort out a load of boring shit up north and then it’ll be done. No big deal.” The lie fell easily from my lips. The only problem was that my bloody voice shook just slightly with those last three words. Yaz caught it, of course – Yaz caught everything – and her eyes narrowed a little before she gave me a small smile.
