Page 31 of Unworthy
“But… Max was in full-time education, Yazmin,” Dad replied defensively.
“And architecture is a long degree course,” Mum put in.
“Seven years,” I said. “It’s seven years.”
“Well… er, yes it is,” Dad went on, “but –”
“We always made it clear,” interrupted Mum firmly, “that we would support either of you for as long as you were in full-time education.”
“That was your way of trying to control me! Of trying to make me go to uni when you knew that wasn’t what I wanted.”
“You had the opportunity for a further education,” Dad said, his face turning red as this old wound was opened up. “And you wasted it because you wanted to prat about on the water and with this well-being nonsense. You should have focused more on your schooling so you could get some decent qualifications.”
Prat about on the water. Well-being nonsense. That’s what they thought of me – that I just couldn’t be bothered to put the work in at uni. Unfamiliar rage swept through me and I pushed my chair back violently from the table to stand. Everyone’s eyes went wide, but I wasn’t finished yet.
“I couldn’t breathe in there, Dad!” I shouted, and it felt good – so,sogood to finally get this off my chest. I’d been burying these feelings for years, but since I’d slept with Heath everything felt so much more raw. “I hated school. Hated being shut in. Every day felt like I was being suffocated slowly. I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t even a choice. Don’t you think it would have been easier if I’d just caved and done some shitty degree so that you’d have paid my rent? I moved out of your house with sixty quid in my bank account after I’d paid a deposit on that flat. I ate Pot Noodles and toast for six months to make ends meet. But it meant I could be on the water and I knew that’s where Ihadto be.
“Do you think the kit I use is cheap? I get it for free now. I have sponsorship, but I had to work my way up to get this far. I might love windsurfing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a hard road to make a career out of. Dislocated shoulders, shredding myself on the reefs, head injuries – that’s all part of the job. Not to mention the training I still have to do to stay in shape. How much stamina and upper body strength do you think it takes to do what I do? I do an hour of cardio, an hour of weights and an hour of yoga every single day. Why do you even think I started yoga? I need the strength, the flexibility and the focus it gives me. So no, I don’t justprat about on the water. And the well-being centre helps people. There is value in this stuff you callalternative crap. It changes people’s lives. What I do means something to me. I’m driven when it comes to my work, single-minded.”
My voice dropped to a low whisper then, so that I could keep the tears that I could feel building at bay. “I know you’re not proud of me. You’ve made that abundantly clear over the years, but don’tevercall me directionless. I know exactly where I’m going. I have since I was twelve years old.” With that, I spun on my heel and ran full pelt for the door.
Chapter 15
You’re never going to do that again
Yaz
I stood on the ledge looking out over the water and felt my heart rate slow down. Always,alwaysif I could make it to the sea I knew I would feel better. It was a clear day, no wind, no waves. The water was as still as a pond and so clear I could almost see the seabed from up here. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath through my mouth, letting it out through my nose. I couldn’t believe how badly I had lost control in there. I never confronted my parents like that. But since all of this stuff with Heath had kicked off, it was like a fire had been lit inside me, and I didn’t want to tolerate being put down anymore.
I felt another surge of anger and opened my eyes again to focus on the horizon. Bloody Heath, stirring things up. There was no point confronting my family. All it did was create conflict. So what if they still just assumed I was a flake? That was how my family operated: Max was the professional, responsible one; and I was the no-hoper. There really wasn’t any point challenging that. I was glad that I’d left before Mum and Dad could reply. What I’d told them felt like it had been wrenched from somewhere deep in my psyche, and I just didn’t think I could take them trying to placate me or, more likely, minimise what I’d said. Mum in particular had a knack of turning things around to make me feel small. I’d felt sure that she would manage that again. So, running out of there had been the best option. Luckily I hadn’t bothered to chain my bike up so I could just jump straight on and take the path from the side of Max’s house down to the clifftop. By the time I’d heard Heath shouting my name, I was already out of sight of the drive.
I shook my head to clear it. Enough thinking about opinions that I couldn’t change. I’d spent way too much emotional energy already on that now. I reached down and pulled my t-shirt over my head, undid the button of my shorts and shimmied them down my legs. Stepping to the edge, I took one last deep breath before I launched myself into the air. As the wind rushed past my ears I thought I heard my name again, but then everything disappeared as I broke the surface of the water and felt the delicious cold envelop me. This is where my mind could really be clear. Here in the water was where I always found my soul.
I swam down, the water so clear that I could see the rocks and shells on the sea floor. Then I let myself drift a few feet below the surface, using my hands to stop myself from floating up. I could see the rock and reef below, fish and seaweed floating past, and slowly I felt my head clear – a deep sense of well-being washed over me. I’d long since trained myself to hold my breath for extended periods of time, almost as though I could meditate under the water. It involved moving as little as possible to conserve oxygen use in my muscles. I turned and pulled once through the water to swim down again, but as I was gliding along I heard a muted splash above me. Before I could turn to see what was happening, I was grabbed around the waist from behind by what felt like a band of steel and pulled upwards. I struggled but the band just tightened further until I was wrenched through the surface of the water. I blinked to clear my eyes of the salt water, spluttering as I continued to fight against the steel band around me.
“Jesus Christ,” Heath’s waterlogged voice sounded in my ear and I tried to turn to look at him, but he pinned me in place against his chest and began to swim. I realised he must be attempting to drag me in a lifesaver rescue hold to the shore. The direction he was headed in was littered with sharp coral that would shred us both to pieces. We needed to swim around the headland to the small inlet and the beach there. But Heath didn’t know the coastline like me, and he clearly thought he was saving my life. I needed to disabuse him of this notion quickly if I was going to make sure he didn’t get hurt and I didn’t add to my already unsightly collection of scars.
“Heath!” I shouted. “Stop! Listen to me!” His arm loosened, and I managed to twist around so that I was facing him. His eyes were wild as they searched my face and he still kept a hold of me as if I would sink under the water at any moment, which was ridiculous seeing as I wasn’t the one still wearing all my clothes. And although I knew he was a strong swimmer, it simply wasn’t possible that he was a better one than me. “I’m fine. You can let go.”
“You weren’t fine.” He sounded traumatised. “I watched you go under and you didn’t come up. I thought that–”
“I free dive all the time. I know what I’m doing.”
“You scared the shit out of me.”
“Let’s get on dry land, alright?”
“That’s what I was trying to do.” Heath started heaving me back in the direction of the coral again.
“Heath, stop! You’re dragging us over to the rocks. We can’t get out that way. You need to let me go and then follow me.”
He started to shake his head, and I needed him to listen to me. So, I lifted my hand and rested it on the side of his face. “Trust me. Okay?”
His jaw clenched, but he managed a small nod, then his arm loosened so I could separate from him.
“We have to swim around the headland. There’s a small inlet on the other side. Follow me. Swim exactly where I swim. I know where the rocks and reef are.” Heath gave me another nod and I turned and started to swim away. I kept glancing back to make sure he was keeping up with my front crawl. Despite his clothes he managed to stay close. When we made it to the inlet, I was tempted to offer him my hand to help pull him onto dry land – the man looked exhausted – but I didn’t think his pride could take any further hits. So I sat on the sand and watched him haul himself out. Instead of collapsing on the sand he walked directly out of the sea to me, his shirt moulded to his wide chest. The inlet we were in was deserted and shielded from the rest of the beach by the dunes on one side and the cliff face on the other.
“You’ve still got your shoes on, you weirdo,” I said, glancing at his feet. “You should have taken them off. It’s dangerous to swim with your feet restricted. And the leather will be ruined now.” He dropped to his knees in front of where I was sitting, way too far into my personal space, and took my face in his hands, tilting it this way and that and then lifting my arms and finally looking over my legs and feet.
