Page 75 of Anything but Easy
“Millie, please,” I said, my foot coming out to keep the door open. “I just want to talk to her. I’m going crazy with worry. I need–”
Millie’s eyes flashed and I watched as anger replaced her nervousness.
“Whatyouneed?” she asked, her voice trembling with rage. “It’s all about you, isn’t it? I can’t say I’m surprised because Kira’s like that – she always sees others’ needs before her own. But it’s not just about you and what you need. She’s got her own sh . . . stuff going on as well. If you weren’t so wrapped up inyourneeds, maybe you would have noticed that something is wrong. Butno. . .”
My eyes focused sharply on Millie and she snapped her mouth shut, likely realising how much she’d given away.
“Whatstuffis going on?” I asked. “Is this about her failing exams and being disciplined at work?”
Millie frowned. “What are you talking about? Kira’s passed all of her post graduate exams so far. She only has the HIV diploma left.”
“I thought she was . . . having some trouble with–”
“Absorbing that quantity of information doesn’t come easily to Kira, which is why it’s all the more impressive that she’s managed to keep going for all these years and get through the endless exams,” Millie told me, and again bit her lip as though she may have betrayed a confidence. “But she’s very determined and very dedicated. I should know – I helped her to revise last time. It’s one of the only ways she’ll let me help, which is frustrating when she’s done so much for me.”
“I just thought that–”
“I know you’re busy, but, tell me, have you ever worked a full time job – well actuallywaymore hours than full time if you count all the on-calls and extra hours to keep a short-staffed department afloat –andcompleted a set of incredibly difficult exams with no study leave and no support from your employer? All the while making decisions daily, which could end your career orworse– end a life? Because that is being a junior doctor in the NHS for you.Mostpeople have to take the exams more than once.”
I raked my fingers through my hair, before dropping my head to look down at my shoes.
“Kira is none of your business,” she said, pushing back on the door, which didn’t budge an inch. “Using your physical strength to detain somebody who does not want you in their home is rude and unacceptable,” she told me, looking first at my hand on her door and then down at my foot. Heat hit my face as I glanced down at Millie’s rounded stomach. I withdrew my hand and foot at lightning speed. Was I bullying pregnant women now? Had I sunk that low?
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice now having a slightly desperate edge and she sighed, surprising me by not slamming the door in my face.
“Leave her alone. She’s got a lot on her plate and a lot of . . . stuff to sort out. She doesn’t need to be crying over–” Millie broke off and her eyes went wide.
“I . . .please, Millie,” I said, that desperation more pronounced in my voice now. “I just need–” I snapped my mouth closed and closed my eyes tight for a second as the realisation that I was talking aboutmyneeds again hit me. “I can’t leave now if I know she’s upset. I–”
“Look,” Millie said, her tone softening just a bit as she took a step outside the house and pulled the door to behind her. “I’m not going to let you see her now. If you care about her, you’ll give her some time.”
“Right,” I said, taking a step down the stone steps outside Millie’s house and rubbing the back of my neck. “But could you please tell her I was here at least? Tell her I was here and that I’m not giving up.” Millie surprised me then by taking a step after me and putting a hand on my arm.
“It was Kira who found me crying in my office six months ago when I found out I was pregnant,” she said in a soft voice. “She told me then thatany baby would be a lucky little badgerto have me as a mum. That my introversion and anxiety didn’t mean I couldn’t love a child. ‘You love Pav, don’t you?’ she’d asked. ‘Anyone who can love, hug and kiss that big cockwomble can love a baby’. That’s just one example of her kindness, her wisdom. She might seem flighty, but she’s the most reliable friend I have.” There was a pause before Millie focused on me more intently. “You know, I really did like you for her. Kira’s like a force of nature . . . a small tornado sweeping everything and everyone along with her on a wild ride, but keeping those close to her safe in the eye of the storm. Sheneedsthe ground to touch down on, to be a breeze across, to keep her from spinning herself out. I know you can be her ground. I can feel it. So I will tell her you were here and that you’re worried about her.”
“Thank you,” I breathed, my desperation giving way to hope and then shifting to resolve as I gave Millie a firm nod.
“Just don’t fuck it up,” Her swearing surprised a small smile out of me.
“You’re really different now than you were all those years ago at the political functions,” I told her, then rushed on. “Not that that’s a bad thing – it’s just . . .”
“Kira’s been a good influence.” She returned my smile very briefly.
“Yes.” I stared beyond Millie into the house, as if I could make Kira appear in the doorway. “Yes, she has.”
*****
Kira
“Why are you still here?” I asked, staring up at the great big bodyguard that I still had trailing me around. I hadn’t seen Barclay for a month, but these persistent bastards kept following me, and the Kira who’d thought it was a bit of fun to have an entourage,thatKira, was long gone. This Kira just wanted to be left alone.
Sam sighed. “Kira.” At least he wasn’t calling me Dr Murphy anymore. “I’m being paid to be here. You’re still linked to Barclay. That won’t just go away overnight. He just wants–”
“Argh!” I stamped my foot. That’s the level I’d sunk to, then – actual stamping of feet, just like Rosie when she was five. But this wassofrustrating. “Please! This is what I mean.”
The backs of my eyes started stinging and I felt stupid tears gathering. Horrified pity filled Sam’s expression. “I don’t want to hear his name. I don’t want to know what he wants. I w–want to move on.” The last few words were choked out as one single tear fell down my cheek and I swiped it away. “Now, if you haven’t noticed, I have a goddamn job to do in not the easiest of circumstances.”
Sam gave the prison an uneasy glance and then frowned down at me.
