Page 40 of Status Undefined
“You’re facing a similar dilemma. If there’s no intermediate solution and you have to decide, the choice must be between unbearable regret and terrible pain. You can’t live with that kind of regret, but pain is different. Time will ease it, even if it never goes away completely. You’ve only got one mother, Amit.” I opened my mouth to say… but she interrupted me. “No. It’s a huge compliment that you call me that, but I’m not the real thing.”
“Never forget, we are here for you. We care about you. We saw the look on your face that night at Chabad when you first met Daniel. We’d never seen you like that. That’s why we didn’t let Keren tag along on your first date – even if you hadn’t realized it was a date.” She laughed. “You’ve got x-ray vision – you saw through us, saw us, and reached our hearts at the speed of light. You saw the real Liam before we managed to – perhaps before he did himself. You saw Keren, and knew exactly how to annoy her, but also how to give her what she wanted more than anything. You saw Daniel, past the shallow exterior, and knew you could trust him, no small thing for you. That’s why you’re so amazing at your job. I’m asking you to use your x-ray vision on yourself this time and find out what your heart really desires. Decide, choose, act, just don’t let life decide for you.
“Just one more thing,” she continued, “Sometimes children think their parents are robots, have no feelings. Remember, you need your mother, but she also needs her son.” I could see how much Naama needed her son, and I felt helpless. She was right. I had to be brave like Liam and make a hard decision before life did it for me.
January 11
(visa expires in 3 days)
I decided to go to Brooklyn to see my mother. Naama was right, I would regret it if I didn’t. She was my real family, and I would be a legitimate citizen there, not a tourist on a temporary visa. There was no point postponing the painful separation from Daniel. It was about to happen anyway because his visa was expiring. I had to be realistic and our surviving a long-distance relationship wasn’t – it would just be an extension of the illusion of the past month. We might have been able to do it if it were only distance separating us, but there was something else: neither one of us was willing to take the hit for the other. Daniel wasn’t willing to face his fears and go to New York with me, where we could live life like a normal couple. I seriously considered joining Daniel in his nomadic life and going to visit my mother in Brooklyn at some point, but the instability of that kind of lifestyle scared me and, well, I missed my mother.
I booked a non-refundable flight for three days later. It was impulsive, but I didn’t want to be talked out of it. I wanted certainty in my life. Obviously, it was a trial run. I kept my apartment and my bank account in Thailand. But I wanted things to work out in New York.
I went to Daniel’s apartment, ten minutes away. He was staying in a renovated apartment building closer to the beach. I’d never been there before. Not surprising maybe, since we’d only known each other for a month. To call the apartment untidy was an understatement. He hadn’t bothered to clean up for me, and he was even happy to show me the mess. He eventually realized that something was up. And that was the moment – I told him.
“Stay with me another month,” was his response.
“And then what? You’ll go away and leave me.”
Daniel looked down, as if wondering where the ants on the floor were heading.
“What’s the point of another month? It’ll just hurt even more.” I said again. I wanted him to understand.
“It’s another month in our perfect present.”
“It isn’t the present, it never was. It’s just the past – a perfect one. That’s why it’ll be so painful in the future. Stop living an in illusion if you’re going to end it anyway in a month.”
“I won’t end it. We’ll do long-distance. We’ll see each other again!”
“What use is it, Daniel? You’ll be traveling the world and I’ll be in the one place you can’t stand. I don’t want that kind of relationship. It’s a recipe for pain.”
He stared at me. “You know about my problems with New York and my parents.”
“You want me to accept that’s why you won’t go back to New York?”
“I’m scared, babe. I’m scared of how people there will react. I’m scared of being ostracized. I’m scared of what people I know will say about me. I’m scared of my parents’ reaction.”
“I get it Daniel. I’m not angry. You know, I recently figured out that I was depressed when I was younger. I used to tell myself that I was feeling a bit sad, that it would pass. I couldn’t admit the truth because I didn’t want to be a problem for my parents – they had plenty problems already – or for anyone else. If I cut class, my mother would worry, my father would get annoyed, my teacher would be angry, and my friends would be disappointed that they were a player short for soccer. No psychologist could have diagnosed me. I was a regular kid, maybe even ‘accomplished and sociable.’ Every morning, I’d tell myself to just keep going. One foot in front of the other. But then I read the bookThe Perks of Being a Wallflowerand realized there was no way I could go on hiding from the world and from myself. So Idid it – I came out and eventually went to Thailand. I still do my best to make the people I love happy, but I have boundaries. I let myself cry and stay in bed when I need to. That’s my proof that I’ve grown up. Where’s yours?”
He stared at me in silence. So I kept going, letting out all the thoughts that had weighed on me for weeks.
“You must be aware that you’re a nomad because you’re afraid. Even if the lifestyle has a million pros, your main motivation is fear and it’s not healthy for you to keep doing it. You have to face the fear before you keep traveling. Escapism, even if it’s disguised as pleasure, work, satisfaction, is still escapism.”
“How dare you say that to me? You escaped to Thailand!” Daniel shouted. I’d never seen him angry before. But then, maybe this wasn’t really anger.
“I’m leaving in three days and going to face my past. You’re welcome to come with me and face yours.”
“Amit…” his voice cracked, and tears streamed down his face.
“Time to decide whether you’re willing to fight for love or give in to fear.”
“Amit, you have to understand.” He grabbed my hands.
“I do understand. But you’re choosing to surrender, to give up a chance at love, friends, family and keep running away. I don’t want to be a part of that. I have to help you and the best way I know how is to give you a reason to stop. Don’t talk to me until you make a different choice.”
It was the most difficult thing I’d ever said in my life, especially because it was directed at someone I loved, standing in tears before me. They sound like angry words, but really they came from sorrow – so deep that it threatened to crush me. They were also words of conviction for what I knew was the path best for both of us, even if he still wasn’t ready to hear them.
I broke away from him and headed for the door.
