Page 47 of Status Undefined
I stood up to greet them and they came straight in for a hug. I was a bit surprised but happy to be hugged, even by strangers. Actually they weren’t really strangers. They were Thai.
“Can we sit with you?”
“Sure!”
“I’m Gift and this is Em, my friend. How cool that you’re in Koh Phangan. We didn’t know!”
I remembered that I hadn’t posted the clip from the coffee shop – I’d lost interest.
“We really love your stories, but you’ve been so quiet this month!” she said stated firmly in a heavy Thai accent. I defended myself.
“I needed a little quiet time to myself.”
“Aah. What happened?” They asked in unison. Before I could answer, a boyish European guy popped up and gave me a warm hug. We were just greeting each other when more and more people started arriving. We formed a big circle on beach mats laid out on the sand; about twenty people, mainly women, from almost every continent. I was touched that they’d come to meet me. It made me feel worthy, which was something Amit had talked about wanting. But I wasn’t the focus. People just chatted with one another – perhaps throwing me the occasional glance or smile.
“Daniel, can I ask you a personal question?” said the European guy who showed up after Gift and Em. His name was… oh… it’s gone. Too many people all at once. The circle went quiet at his question.
“Um. It depends how personal; my underwear size is classified information.”
Everyone laughed, but the guy was serious.
“Ok, I’ll ask, and you just say if it’s too personal. That photo of you with a guy… Was that your coming out?”
I didn’t invite you here to talk about that – is what I wanted to say. But I said, “Basically, yes. That’s how my family and friends found out. But since I became a nomad I haven’t tried to hide anything.”
“So you were only in the closet in New York?” These guys knew a lot about me.
“You could say that. To say that it sucked would be an understatement. I felt like no one understood me, alone in the world even though I was surrounded by people. Like an alien disguised as an ordinary human. The gray hair that gets tucked behind the dark hair. That’s why I’ve never wanted to go back there.”
“And where’s the guy?”
Suddenly I wished they’d all disappear and leave me alone.
“In New York.”
They collectively sucked in their breaths.
No one asked the obvious questions; afraid they were too personal. It was nice of them, but I have nothing to hide. Not anymore.
“Since Amit went to New York and we broke up, I’ve felt alone. I thought I could keep living the way I had before I met him, traveling the world and meeting new people. I’m here with you wonderful people, thankful that you came, but I’m still alone. It’s as if this evening is meaningless if Amit isn’t part of it – if he isn’t part of me.”
The group was quiet.
“So what you’re saying is…” a girl with purple hair (ok, so I’m bad with names) said hesitantly, “the minute he went there, the whole world became New York and New York became the whole world.”
“Holy shit,” someone said but I paid no attention. I was thinking about what she’d said.
“You’re right. My whole world changed because of one person, but I haven’t changed yet.”
“Yes you have. You just don’t know it yet. All your followers have noticed.” said a young Australian guy.
Everyone nodded.
“No. I’m still the same old coward.”
They disagreed.
“A coward wouldn’t have come out the way you did.”
