Page 44 of The Duke's Concealed Vow
Rowan grinned and nodded.
“Excellent,” he said. “I am very much looking forward to tonight.”
Serena’s heart replaced the escaping butterflies, and she had to catch her breath. So, Rowan was attending the ball, rather than hiding away in his chambers or his study. The thought made her nearly swoon, and she swallowed to keep from exclaiming her joy through the room.
“As am I,” she said.
Rowan gave her a playful wink as he set aside a book she only then noticed he was holding.
“Have you selected your gown for the evening?” she asked. “It would be a shame if we ended up matching yet again.”
Serena giggled, thinking about dinner the evening before.
“Oh, heavens, that would be the most criminal of offenses,” she said.
Rowan nodded, gazing at her with the smile on his face that she had come to love. But there was something in his eyes, a pain and vulnerability that told her there was so much more that he was keeping secret, as he clearly had for so long. Her heart ached for him, longing to understand and to offer comfort. She felt useless and helpless, blind in her ignorance to what it was that her husband needed to alleviate his sorrow.
“Rowan,” she said cautiously. She knew that what she was about to say could ruin the happy atmosphere for the moment and, indeed, for the entire night. But seeing his anguish was tearing at her, and she felt it worth the chance. “I do wish we could discuss the reason why you chose me as your wife.” When he looked at her with fearful eyes, she patted his arm. “More every day, I am glad that you did. But I really need to understand why.”
Rowan looked away, and Serena was afraid he would close up again. Indeed, he appeared to desperately want to, and Serena held her breath, waiting to see what he would do. But after an impossibly long moment, he took a deep breath, looking into her eyes. The deepened pain and desperation she saw there made her eyes prickle with tears, and she forced them away.
“I have told you a great deal of why things are the way they have been in my life,” he said. “But you rightfully perceive that there is more.”
Serena nodded, a lump forming in her throat, even as her racing heart tried to escape it. Was he about to tell her the one thing she had been dying to know?
“Yes,” she said, recalling what he had said the last time they had had the chance to speak. “We discussed how your father died, and the guilt and shame and weighted sense of duty you have felt since his passing.”
Rowan nodded, a flicker of surprise in his eyes.
“That is correct,” he said. “However, it is where that sense of duty came from that plagues me still, alongside all that guilt and shame.”
Serena nodded, biting her lip to keep herself from getting too impatient.
“Please, tell me more, Rowan,” she said.
Rowan sighed, nodding slowly.
“I never quite took all my duties seriously,” he said. “AndFather made mention of some of those responsibilities often. After he died, I deeply regretted…” he paused, chewing his lip thoughtfully. “I regretted not taking his advice and making myself more prepared to take over when the time came. After he died, I swore that I would focus on nothing but my duties. That is why I began to take my duties more seriously. I felt that I owed it to him to do nothing but take all my duties seriously.”
Serena nodded, listening intently. He still wasn’t telling her why he had married her. But his pain was so clear in his every word that she set aside her selfish desire to know for the moment. She reached for him, taking his hand in hers and looking into his eyes.
“I cannot imagine how horrible that must feel,” she said. “But I think it is important to remember that death is never our fault. It comes as it pleases, and there is no such thing as a good time. But nothing we do either brings it sooner or delays it. That is a guilt that no one should ever carry. Especially for so many years.”
Rowan turned to face her, taking her other hand in his. His sorrow did not lessen, nor did the haunted look of a man who held secrets. But something else began to flicker in his eyes, like the hope of a man burdened by his past, hope that he could soon be free of the heaviness he had carried for so long. The world around them fell away, and all there was left was the two of them.
As if pulled by invisible strings, their lips met in a passionate kiss, and the whole room disappeared. Serena’s heart raced, her body alive with new sensations as Rowan’s arms wrapped gently around her and pulled her closer. Yet even in that most intimate moment, a voice in Serena’s mind whispered to her of the secrets that still lingered. Rowan was slowly opening up, that much was true. But there was much that he seemed unwilling, or unable, to tell her.
As they reluctantly broke apart, Serena searched Rowan’s face, trying to decipher the emotions that flickered in rapid sequence across his face. But his expression settled on an unreadable mask, leaving her feeling conflicted and uncertain.
“Excuse me, Serena,” he said politely, stepping away from her. “I must go make ready for the ball.”
With that, he exited the room, leaving Serena to stare, perplexed, after him. Did he regret the kiss? Had she allowed things to go too far too soon?
