Page 42 of A Duchess for the Mysterious Duke
“I would return to Paris. I still have a home there. And friends—a rich life where I engage in conversation with masterful artists, talented singers, and remarkable actresses. A world where I do not belong to the upper class if I do not want to and need not play a role for their approval. That is where I am happiest, Marina, and I thought that you would be happiest here. Without me. With your family.”
Her hands fell from his as she backed away from him, gripping her skirts tightly as if she might, at any moment, dart off like she had the night of the ball. “Is this still your intention?”
“I am not of a mind to decide right away.”
Husband and wife stood opposite one another, each firm in their stance. She, that the man who stood before her was not her husband but a stranger—that all his sweetness was contrived. He, that his immovable wife was unreasonably holding his past against him.
“Then youareof a mind to either threaten me with solitude should I not behave as you ask, or you are aiming to wound myheart beyond repair. In which case, Phillip, make no mistake—my heart has never been yours to wound, and my solitude would be a blessing of the highest after what I have been made to endure here in your company.”
“It is decided for me, then, as has been much of my life since we wed,” he spat. “I shall take my leave of you after all, Marina, and I shall play the role of the far-removed, neglectful husband you have insisted all along that I am.”
There was a part of Marina, despite her outward convictions, that did not want to see him go. She wanted to take it all back and beg for his forgiveness. Her voice wobbled as she threw her first Hail Mary to the wind.
“And I suppose that’s it, then? We live as man and wife in title alone?” She saw a flicker behind his eyes. Brief but there, and it encouraged her to persist. “We will suffer under the burden of a marriage of convenience and rebuke one another—not friend nor foe but something altogether more grotesque. As strangers. As two ships passing in the night—Phillip, is that what you want? Truly? It is as if all along you have wanted to run me off, to keep me at arms’ length. If this is what you want, I will lay my affection at your feet, turn my back on you, and never think of you again. I do not wish for either of us to continue in this torment.”
Eyes rimmed with red and wet with tears accumulating along her waterline, Marina stared directly at her duke, determined to see another sign that she had not imagined the way he’d once looked at her or the intimacy of his gestures toward her. She wasgrateful that she obeyed her instincts only when, too many long seconds later, his shoulders sank and he stepped, again, closer.
“It is precisely your affections which drive me away,” he admitted, his voice low in the tone of agony. “I cannot accept them if they grow, Marina. My heart is splintered and fragile—there is no place there for another. I beg of you, do not cling to any hope you have of a loving marriage between the two of us. I can provide you with all of the paints your heart desires. I can go to town right now and have an entire year’s worth of dresses made for you if that’s what you like. Marina, if—” He pressed forward, once again just a few inches before her, and reached out for her hands. “—if you were to ask me to buy you ten and twenty houses, all over the world, so you might travel comfortably upon a whim, I will do it. But there is one thing which you cannot ask of me, for I cannot give it.”
“What is it, then, Phillip? What is that you cannot give?”
“My love, Marina. It is my love that I cannot hand over to you. I will never be able to love you the way that you want—the way that you deserve.”
Her free hand flew up to her chest, the other clutched tightly in his. She could feel the heat of his body and his breath against her cheek. In his eyes, she saw past the sea of forest green and into his tired, beaten soul.
“You were made to feel unlovable, so now you feel as if you’ve none to give,” she breathed, each word landing in his chest like a dagger. “Phillip, to believe as a child that you are not goodenough for the person responsible for you is a cruelty that you cannot heal from alone. I do not need you to love me in that way. I have only ever wanted your friendship. I have only everexpectedyour equal effort. If love is too much to ask, then I shall not ask for it, but it is not all there is.”
Marina used to think that her parents had gotten lucky when they met one another. Her mother contradicted this story when Marina first began to prepare to come out. She told Marina that she spent the first three months of her marriage locked away in her bedroom, terrified of her young husband, and terrified that he would realize he’d made a mistake in marrying her. They, like she and Phillip, knew each other only a very short while prior to their engagement. Richard Linfield was only twenty-two when they wed, and she was nineteen. The ton criticized her for taking such a young man off the market so quickly—for seducing someone above her station for financial gain. She had been terrified that he would begin to feel the same.
And she had instilled in Marina an essential belief: marriage relied on the hard work of both parties in order to thrive. A good wife was not only a woman who could meet the needs of her husband and her estate but one who knew when to push her husband to meet her own needs as well. It was the principle on which Marina had based her efforts thus far, but she was at last seeing a side of this concept that had been elusive to her.
She had allowed herself to stay on the other side of the carefully woven tapestry which Phillip hid behind—the man he was supposed to be instead of the man he was. Now she had pushed him to reveal a truth about himself that changed the entiredynamic of their relationship. One she would have accepted with open arms from the very start had she known about it.
All this time, he had been just as afraid of her as she had been of him.
Marina gently pried her hand free of his and instead, took both of his in hers, pulling them to her as she gazed up at him with pleading eyes.
“I wish to stay by your side, Phillip, as your wife, companion, and partner. I have never disillusioned myself into thinking that this will be some sort of romantic fairytale like the one Olivia has the great fortune of entertaining. I was a spinster when we met. You rescued my family from the sour fate of my own misdoings. For that, I owe you my gratitude, but as your wife, I?—”
Marina’s words were lost to her as Phillip freed his hands from hers and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him in a tight hug. She could feel the vibrations of his chest, fighting back sobs as he held her.
“I can ask nothing more from my wife than what she has already provided me. Please, forgive me, andplease, Marina, continue to be patient with me.”
CHAPTER 30
The pair separated shortly after and spent much of the day alone, each reflecting on the tumultuous conversation at breakfast. Marina was certain that she would not see her husband at their dining table again for quite some time while he gathered his thoughts and—she believed—decided whether or not he would be leaving her as he had said. So she was surprised to hear a soft knock at her door that evening. Marina sat by her window, a book in her hand, and for a moment could not convince herself to rise to answer it. Surely, Phillip was still in his study or down in the library at this hour. Had the ghosts of Hayward Estate decided to make an appearance?
The knock came again, still soft, but more insistent this time. The Duchess rose and walked to answer it. When, at first, those familiar eyes appeared behind the door, she gasped—sure that she was being visited by the late duke. But his lips curled into a sheepish smile, and he bowed his head to her before extending his hand.
“I thought that I might accompany you on your late-night walk tonight,” he murmured. His sharp edges and cold defenses were nowhere to be seen. Even if she had been lying on her death bed, Marina thought, she would have accompanied him just to rest in this energy.
“I would like that very much,” she answered, her voice just above a whisper. The pair took a turn about the library, their arms linked in silence. It was a peaceful quietude, one that only good friends could feel comfortable within.
“There is something I would like to discuss with you.” Phillip stopped, turning his head, so he was facing her, and moving back, so he could release her arm. He gestured to a cushioned bench that was built into the wall under a large window. The light of the moon streamed in from it and covered her with its milky light when she sat. Phillip sat beside her, refusing to peel his eyes away from her as he did. Marina felt her pulse as if it were pounding against her eardrums. If Phillip noticed her blush, he gave no indication.
“Anything, Your Grace.”
“Marina, even if you were not my wife, have we not agreed today to be friendly with one another?”
