Page 11 of Emerald Moon
“Okay, I will,” Jo lied.
“I push because I care, honey.”
If that were true, she wouldn’t try to change everything about Jo every time they spoke.If that were true, they could have a conversation without it devolving into this.Jo wanted to say something like that, but the words wouldn’t come.Talking to their mother made them feel so small.The difference between who they were around the pack and who they were around their family was wider every day that Jo learned to like themselves a little more.The wider that gap grew, the angrier they got whenever their mother tried to make them feel small and helpless again.
“I’ve got to go.Bye.”
They hung up, seething with years of built-up anger.The world turned crisp around them.The sounds of the cars driving past the bakery grew louder.The scent of the bakery became stronger.They felt prickles on their skin, tiny embers gradually growing into a flame.The wolf was edging closer, but it wasn’t like last night.This didn’t feel the same.Pain shot through their body.
They really didn’t want to rip this t-shirt.It was one of their favorites.
Jo tried everything their packmates had taught them, but it was hard to slow their breathing once the wolf started taking over.Their heart was already racing from the phone call.They were already too far gone.Still, they’d stopped it before and they could do it again.Jo tried to steady their breath and think of happy times with the pack to ground themselves — painting with Wil, being in the greenhouse with Seraphine, watching movies with Harry — but they were fighting a losing battle.
Jo let go and the wolf won.
Jo returned to themselves on the floor in their bedroom.Someone was patting their head soothingly and humming an old blues song Jo immediately recognized as one they often heard on Wil’s record player.Of course it was Wil.She’d probably found Jo’s wolf outside and brought them home.
“Welcome back,” Wil said.
They sighed, defeated.
“I know, I know.”She gave Jo’s head one final stroke before tucking her hands in her lap.“Now that you’re back, let’s get you in the shower so you can reset, yeah?”
Jo whined.Moving was impossible now.They had no idea what the wolf had done, but they were exhausted.Wil was right, though, they needed to wash off whatever the wolf had been up to.They tried to sit up but collapsed back on the rug.
“Thanks for helping me come back,” Jo said, eyes closed as they mustered the strength to stand.
“Of course.You know I never mind.It’s my privilege as your Gamma and, most importantly, as your friend to help you when you need it.Come on, let’s get you up.”
They heard rustling beside them and knew Wil was getting up.They opened their eyes to see her standing with her hands out for them to take.With effort, Jo managed to stand and shuffle to the bathroom that was connected to their room.They shared it with the bedroom on the other side, but luckily it was empty.Wil had probably made sure of that.
They averted their gaze from the mirror so they didn’t have to see their body and the remains of a favorite t-shirt.On a normal day, they had a complicated relationship with the body they were born into, but on a day like this, when their mother had reduced them to the smallest, most hopeless version of themselves, Jo didn’t want to see any of that.
They dragged their feet into the shower and let the hot water restore the rest of their humanity, washing away all the grime from whatever the angry wolf had gotten into.Walking back into the room afterwards wrapped in a large, fluffy towel, they quickly dressed in the softest clothes they could find and flopped down on their bed, ready for some comfort.
Wil was sitting at her desk, humming again and sketching in a notebook.“I’d ask if it was a tough day, but I already know.”
”It started fine.”Jo sighed.“Actually, it started confusing, but then it got way better again until —“
“Family?”she guessed.Of course she knew.Most of the pack had seen Jo struggle with their emotions and the wolf at this point, but few of them knew what triggered these episodes.Wil had been there to help every single time.
They nodded.
“I’m sorry.That’s hard.”
“It is.I honestly don’t know why I answer her calls at all.”
“Because you’re family.Because you know it’ll just be worse the next time if you don’t.”
Jo didn’t say anything.She was right.The few times they’d managed to stand their ground and not answer the phone, their mother had been even worse the next time.
“Because you’re still trying to be a good kid.”
They nodded.
“You’re already an awesome adult, though.”
“I know!She just makes me feel small and stupid.And I get so mad.At her, yes, but also with myself because I can never set any boundaries or tell her to stop.I need to tell her that I’m not speaking to her again until she learns how to be a decent human again.”
