Page 68 of Emerald Moon
Being downstairs with the pack was nice, but it was also exhausting.Trying to be a person when they felt like they were floating outside of themselves was impossible.They couldn’t keep up with any of the conversations.They couldn’t seem to laugh at the right times.Eventually, Jo said they were going upstairs to read and went upstairs to lie in bed instead, staring at the ceiling and wondering why they had to be like this.
When Wil came back home, Jo did their best to talk, but Wil understood and didn’t expect too much from Jo.By the time Wil went to bed, Jo had been meandering in and out of sleep for hours.
They finally sat up and checked their phone a little before dawn.There were several missed messages and a few missed phone calls — mostly Krista and a few from Wil asking if Jo needed anything.
But why had Cass called so many times?
Jo went back to their messages and it dawned on them — they had made plans to meet up with Cass and totally forgot.
Shame settled in again, heavy on their shoulders, and pressed Jo back down onto the bed.They were a horrible friend and awful at whatever else this could be if Jo hadn’t ruined it.Cass would probably be forgiving, but she shouldn’t be.That was the whole point, wasn’t it?People could be understanding and kind, but Jo didn’t deserve any of it.There was supposed to be give and take in relationships, but they felt like all they did was take.What did they give to their relationships?
Jo had nothing to offer Cass.
They couldn’t even be a good friend.How could they even imagine that there could be something more?Jo curled into a tight ball, phone clutched in their palm.They wanted to send anything to Cass that could make it right, but they knew nothing could.This was just yet another way Jo had failed her.
Jo let themselves wallow until they were tired of their own behavior.As the sun peeked over the horizon, Jo got out of bed and took a shower for the first time since the wedding.It took a monumental amount of effort, but after they’d changed into clean clothes, they felt a little more like themselves.
They started with Krista.
Hey!Sorry I didn’t get back to you.
Feeling brain-bad after the wedding.
Don’t worry!Things went fine.I’m just being me.
I’ll get back to you soon when I have the energy and let you know how it went — promise.
Krista knew how it could be — not as well as Wil and the pack did, but she understood that it happened.
Cass would be harder for so many reasons.Jo wasn’t sure where to start, so they began the best way they knew how.
Sorry I messed up.
She didn’t know about Jo’s brain and they weren’t sure if this was the way to tell them.
After I got home, I started feeling bad.
I’ve mostly been in bed since.
Werewolves could still get sick.It was rare, but there were stronger illnesses that attacked werewolves and shifters enough that they could actually catch a cold.
Don’t worry, though!I’m okay.Just resting.
I should have messaged you, though.
I’m so sorry I forgot.
I’ll make it up to you!
Stepping lightly so they wouldn't wake Wil, Jo slipped outside their bedroom, down the stairs, and into the living room to reach the back door to the deck.The only packmate up this early was Carina, getting ready for another day of teaching.Jo waved and Carina gave them a sort of sideways glance that suggested she was assessing Jo to see how they were doing.They flashed her the best smile they could muster, wished her a good day, and went out onto the deck where they fell back into a wooden lounge chair.
Except for that one day where they went birding, Jo hadn’t been awake this early in a while.There was no breeze and there wasn’t a chill in the air like they’d get in a month or so in the mornings, but it was nice to be up before the worst of the summer heat hit.
A chickadee flew past and Jo felt a thrill at identifying it.They watched it circle before it headed towards the line of trees not far from the deck and landed on a branch.Closing their eyes and listening to the sounds of the birds everywhere around them, they thought of Cass, her bird shirts, and how she’d definitely know the names of all of the birds based on their calls.
Depression was hard, even though it was so much better than before they were medicated.It told Jo all sorts of nasty things about themselves and it was all too easy to believe all of them when they were at their worst.But Jo had learned over the years to take hold of the good when they could and let that grow to be as bright as they needed it to be.It didn’t wash away the tiredness or the aches, and it didn’t stop the bad thoughts entirely, but it gave them enough to grab onto when they felt like they were being swept away.
Jo searched their mind for more things that were true.They had a pack and friends who cared about them.They had just patched things up with June and stood up for themselves at the wedding.Cass, for some reason, loved them.
