Page 82 of Love on the Vine
“Hey, I know just the place to take your mind off things. Come on.” We walked to a local bar filled with old Italian men playing cards. We bought a couple beers, and then Levi led me to a vintage pinball machine hidden in the corner that remindedme of summer days in my uncle Ted’s basement when we’d gorge ourselves on Cheetos and Otter Pops.
As we took turns on the machine, he brought up the other problem that was weighing on me. “Are you going back with your parents? I thought you were going to break the news to them about culinary school.”
“I don’t know, Levi. Maybe my dad’s right. I should just go to law school. It’s a sure thing.” I was beginning to doubt my judgment in everything now. I’d been wrong about Jake. Maybe I was wrong about culinary school too.
“What are you afraid of, Liv? You know you don’t want to be a lawyer. Just talk to Ben. Believe me, you don’t want to regret not following your dreams.” Levi squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll back you up if you need me to.”
He was right. I had to talk to my dad. I was afraid of disappointing him, but I was also sick of people thinking they knew what was best for me. Like Jake. Why did he think I was better off without him? Because that was clearly not the case.
“What if I’m making the wrong decision?”
“There are no wrong decisions. Just ones that take you a little off course. You don’t want to get so far off course that you lose your way.” Levi stared at the bottom of his glass.
“Are you speaking from experience?”
He smiled sadly. “Maybe.”
* * *
The next day, Dad suggested going on a hike, just the two of us. Levi recommended some hiking trails near a lake about a half hour away from the base.
It had rained during the night and a heavy mist hung over the blue-green water, obscuring the mountains beyond. It wasbeautiful, and it felt good to stretch my legs and walk some of my anxiety off. But I could tell that Dad was up to something.
“It’s nice to get to spend some time with you. We missed you,” he said when we sat down by the water to eat our sandwiches. “I’m glad you had a good time in France, though.”
“I did. It was magical. And I learned so much about wine and food. I filled up so many notebooks with new recipes.” I’d learned much more valuable lessons than that, but he didn’t need to know about that. “There’s still so much for me to learn.”
He nodded. “Well, you’ve got your whole life for that. Once you’ve finished law school and you have a steady salary, you’ll be able to take more trips. Discover more cuisines.”
“Yeah, about that.” I swallowed, trying to get up the courage to tell him that I didn’t want to go back home with them when he pulled a box out of his backpack and handed it to me. Oh God, what was this?
“We were going to wait to surprise you once we got back home, but you know how impatient I am.” He grinned and nudged my knee with his. “Open it.”
My fingers wouldn’t move. I didn’t want to see what was inside because then I might feel too guilty to tell him the truth.
He took the box from me and lifted the lid, revealing a photograph of an apartment building and a key. I closed my eyes to suppress the tears that were building behind my eyelids. But it was too late.
“Hey, kiddo, don’t cry. You’ll make me cry. We just wanted to show you how proud of you we are.” He rubbed my back. “You’ve come so far, despite all the challenges you had earlier in life. It was important to us that you had everything you needed as you begin this next phase of your life.”
I hugged my knees, burying my face against them, angry at myself for having lied to him for so long by pretending to be perfect. I was tired of pretending. For once, I wanted toshow him who I really was—messy, flawed, and really fucking desperate for love. And I also wanted to show him the person I’d become over the summer. Someone who took risks and went after what she wanted even if it didn’t work out.
“Oh, Dad. Please don’t hate me,” I said as I wiped at my nose with the sleeve of my shirt.
Alarm registered in his blue eyes. “What are you talking about, honey? I could never hate you.” He held me at arm’s length. “Did something happen this summer? Is that why you’ve been so reserved? Liv, you can tell me anything.”
I could tell that his mind was struggling not to make the connection about my current emotional funk and the fact that I’d been staying alone with Jake. If he suspected anything, he didn’t want confirmation. And this wasn’t about my relationship with Jake anyway, it was about the part of myself that I’d kept hidden from him for years.
“Yes, in a way. This summer made me realize that what I want and what I think I should want are entirely different.” I stared out at the lake, trying to gather my thoughts, wanting to make a case for myself like this was a law school admissions essay.
His eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Okay, I’m not sure I’m following you.”
“I’ve always done everything you expected of me, even if sometimes I didn’t want to. Like majoring in economics instead of English.” I took a deep breath to let my words sink in. He looked like a kicked puppy, which didn’t make the conversation easier. “But now I think I was wrong to do that.”
I stood up and began to pace along the rocky shore. “The truth is I don’t want to be a lawyer. I’d be miserable stuck in some high-rise office building sixty hours a week drafting contracts.” I took a deep breath to brace myself to say the thingthat would hurt him most. “And I don’t want to take over the firm. I’m sorry.”
Dad sat in silence for a minute, hands spread on his hiking shorts. Then he stood and came over to me, a conciliatory smile on his mouth. He took my arms in his hands. “Honey, it’s natural to be nervous before taking a big step like this. You’re projecting though. Once you’re settled in your new place and you’ve made new friends at school, you’ll feel much better about the way your life is going.”
Oh God, the new place.
