Page 65 of A Duke, a Virgin and a Baby
Their mother had loved them all, begging their father to stay and love the family they’d had together. But his father had ignored her, up until she died of heartbreak. And Julian could only feel sorrow whenever he thought of love. The idea of a woman giving herself wholly to him, without the possibility of him doing the same in return was a daunting thought.
So he had resolved never to marry, hoping that he would never be in a position to destroy another’s life the way his father had destroyed his mother.
But then Anna walked into that room. She had tested him and tempted him. Even after they had gotten married and he left, his return informed him that the spark he had felt in his blood because of her had not died down at all. And now, she was ready to be his, in every sense of the word.
Still, he couldn’t break the values he had created for himself because of her.
“How did you do it?” he asked his brother. “You also swore to never love. And yet, here you are, so eager to wed and be a family with the mother of your child. How did you find the courage to do it? How did you change your mind?”
Seth had a look on his face that Julian had never seen before. Almost pitying, but also understanding, as he smiled and refilled Julian’s empty glass.
“I realized that we had a singular idea of what love was and it was the wrong kind. But the truth is, no love is perfect. There is no set way to love. With Marjorie, I made many mistakes. I ran away from her, I dismissed her affection and I hurt her. I still cannot fathom how alone and scared she felt while she carried Nicholas when she bore him, and when she left him at your doorstep. If I were in her shoes, I might have long since given up on myself. But she did not. Somehow we found each other again, despite it all and I am determined to make things right. I am not goingto forget all the transgressions that happened in the past, but instead use them to guide me to lead a better life, for myself, my bride, and our child. That is what we need to do, Julian. Learn from our mistakes.
“The fact that you are upset about your inability to cave into your desire to give your wife what she wants – which is also what you want – tells me you are already on your way there. You need to learn. Learn from the mistakes of others – like mine. Learn from your mistakes and our father’s mistakes. I do not plan on repeating any of them, and I know that neither are you. What you need to do is give yourself an honest chance to try and be better.” Seth told him genuinely.
This side of maturity was one that Julian never believed his brother had. It showed that Julian never truly saw Seth for all that he could be, still stuck with the vision of inferiority their father had pulled over them.
But Seth had chosen to be strong in his own way and was now marching forward, towards a better life, wanting to spend the rest of his life not running from the family he had been born into, but rather finding peace with the one he would create with the love of his life.
And Julian wondered for a moment if he could do that. If he could trust himself to love Anna and their children. If he could stay and let himself revel in the simple, glorious things like the laugh of their children, and the first steps and the first words they would utter.
He wanted all of that so much, but the possibility of making mistakes still lingered above him, tainting his hope with fear.
“Is it really that easy? To leave behind all the mistakes in the past?” Julian wondered out loud.
“Of course not. Nothing in this life is easy. What matters are your intentions. I have no desire to repeat any of the mistakes I’ve made. None of mine, and absolutely none of the ones our terrible father made. I will keep trying with every breath I take.” Seth said fiercely.
“Sometimes we cannot control who we are,” Julian couldn’t help but point out.
Lysander laughed then, raising his glass in a toast towards Julian.
“Then you have nothing to worry about. If there is one person I know who has immense control over his actions, it is you. You are nothing like your father, and if you will it, you will never be like him.”
All at once, it dawned on Julian.
He had tried his whole life to be set apart from his father. He had worked to be respected, and responsible and to stand as a man of honor. He kept himself away from anything that would tarnish his name, determined to be the very opposite of the man who bore him.
And because his heart had wanted Anna, he had done what he could to keep her safe from his past, while subconsciously loving her all the while.
There had been no possibility of him being anything like his father from the start. And there never will be.
Quickly, he downed the rest of the contents in his glass and rose to his feet, heading to the door.
“Where are you going now, you crazy bastard?” Lysander asked, as though he did not know.
Still, it felt good to Julian to turn around and say,
“Back to my wife.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The sun had begun to peek over the horizon by the time Julian had returned to his estate.
The conversation he had shared with his brother and closest friend still lay fresh in his mind, and his shoulders still bore the weight he had carried for so long. He knew what he wanted, but he knew it would not be so simple to obtain it.
Not after he had tried so much to avoid it, to run from it, to deny it. Would she believe him? Could she find it in her to trust him again? Would she deem him worthy of another chance?
Julian had never liked to deal with uncertainties. That was one of the reasons he could never attempt gambling. The guessing and hoping would eat him alive. He reveled in certain outcomes, in sure victories, and felt more comfortable in eventual defeats he could predict.
