Page 79 of Devanté
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“You still do the same bathroom ritual before you get ready?” I asked Devanté once he went into the bathroom to get dressed for the party.
“You think I can look like this without my routine? Everybody ain’t fine as you, Blake.” How the fuck did he keep finding ways to make me blush?
“I’ve seen you when you wake up in the morning. You look like every magazine spread you’ve shot.”
“Wait, does that mean over the years you’ve been keeping tabs on my shoots?” The arrogant smirk was evident in his voice.
“Maybe,” I smiled, shrugging my shoulders. I walked around the roomy suite and frowned a little when I realized Devanté slept alone in here. I hated the thought. I wanted him beside me.
I listened to him running water and washing his face like he used to do when we were in college. I smiled at how easy we were. How perfect and on time our relationship had been all my life. Devanté was always there when I needed him. I was always there when he needed me.
We were clockwork.
I fucked up our time when I refused to listen to him in college. I almost did it again with the whole Renee situation. My thoughts performed acrobatics swinging from one side of my brain to the other until it hit me.
I’ve always known we were meant to be in love. I was terrified though. Fear made me feel inadequate in Devanté’s presence. I didn’t feel like I was enough for him to love.
I’d always been enough in his eyes but until I became enough in my own eyes, it didn’t matter. I was more comfortable believing the worst in someone who only showed me loyalty and kindness than I was believing he loved me. That shit wasn’t okay.
“Devanté,” I called out from the sitting room.
“What’s up?” He walked around the corner shirtless and I almost lost my thread of thought. His body could unravel a nun’s holy tapestry of prayer.
“Um…” I shook my head then blinked a few times. “I need to apologize to you for what happened in college and how I acted when I thought you had a baby.”
“You already apologized, Blake.” He went to the closet and took down a garment bag.
“I know but I need to tell you why it’s so easy for me to believe the worst when it comes to you.” My mouth went dry and my stomach tied itself into a knot. “I always felt like you were a king. Regal and smooth. I used to feel like a peasant compared to you. In school, you were always popular. I was invisible unless I was standing right beside you.” All the wicked insecurities and toxic self-image issues buoyed to the surface in my mind.
“A peasant?” He frowned, sliding muscular arms into a navy blue shirt. “You were always a queen in my eyes, Blake.”
“I never felt like it. And it wasn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do. It was me. Even though I’ve always been confident, when it came to you I felt unworthy.” I tugged at a tendril of hair sweeping my bare shoulder. “I had you on this pedestal because I saw how brilliant your light was. I didn’t think I could ever be on that level.” Vulnerability stung like hell. It was salt in my microscopic cuts. Still, it healed. It wasn’t kitchen salt I was rubbing on myself. It was salt from the bottom of the sea. The same salt I used to heal myself after I thought Devanté betrayed me in college.
“I never looked at you as less than me. If anything, I thought you were leaps and bounds above me.” His long fingers worked to button his shirt and I stared because watching him do anything was amazing to me. It had been so long since we’d been around each other that even the mundane things captivated me.
“Like I said, it wasn’t you. It’s always been me. When I thought you’d keep something like having a baby from me, I felt those old feelings popping up again. I saw Renee and thought…” I blew out a long slow breath. “I thought she was the type you wanted. She was a Gabi. A Maggie. She was everything I wasn’t. She was yourtype.” I used air quotes and shifted my gaze from Devanté’s handsome face to the carpet beneath my feet.
“You’re my type, Blake. I’m not fucking with other models or actresses or socialites. They can’t feed my soul like you do…and they’re damn sure not as sexy as you.”
“I know that deep down. I swear I do. I think I’m coming to grips with the fact that no matter how confident I am, I can still fall victim to toxic thoughts in my head.” I looked up and Devanté was dressed in all navy blue, with a canary yellow belt that matched my dress to a tee.
“Healing isn’t a destination. It’s a forever journey. Just because you’re a boss in all areas of your life doesn’t mean you can’t still grow.”
“You’re right. I get it. I just hate that I hurt you and pushed you away in the process. I don’t know how to ever properly atone.”
“Changed behavior is the best way to apologize to me. If you’re sorry…show me it won’t happen again. I usually don’t let people get that close to me. Hell, Molly is the only friend I’ve had in eight years. I trust you though.”
“I don’t know why but I appreciate it.” I walked over to him and smoothed my hands over his hard chest. “I know you’re a stalker and everything but did you match your outfit to mine on purpose?”
“AndI’mthe arrogant one between us?” His laugh was deep and rich velvet. “No, I didn’t match my outfit to yours. Conceited ass. This is a coincidence.” He gestured to our matching outfits. “I think it’s a sign we should go public.”
“I’m not used to phrases like that. I live like a normal person so going public isn’t in my vocabulary.”
“Well, now it is. So, will you go public with me, Miss Remington?” He held my hand and kissed it.
“I’ll think about it,” I said with a light shrug. I tried to walk away but he snagged my wrist and tugged me against him. He smelled so clean and rich I wanted to drown in him.
