Page 25 of Capacity
“I ever tell you that I love the positive spin you put on everything?” He touched my chin and everything inside of me tensed like he had control of an invisible string connected to my core.
“No, but I’m glad you did. Sometimes it’s easier to be positive for others. Not so easy to be positive for myself.” I tugged at the bottom of my sleeves, hoping he didn’t see my scars peeking from beneath.
“Well, that’s what you have me for. I’m your friend so I’ll help you see the positivity inside yourself.” He passed me a cup of coffee and pointed to it. “This is much better than the coffee from the lounge.”
I don’t think he realized how much his words touched me. Coco and I had been friends since college and through nursing school so I understood her loyalty but Knight had much less history with me. He didn’t grow up with me or know me from years ago. He just recently met me and he’d already decided that I was a good person and that he was in my corner.
I looked at the cup of Starbucks in my hand and smiled. “Why don’t you put Starbucks coffee in the lounge then?”
“I tried. Rosie likes Folger’s. Rosie gets what she wants.” He held his hands up in mock surrender then gestured to the loveseat and coffee table across his office. “I have bagels, fruit, bacon, sausage, and home fries.”
“Damn, you really did get breakfast. I was expecting bagels and coffee.”
“Nah, I wanted you to have something good on your stomach. Something tells me you rush out of the house without taking care of yourself. Am I right?”
“Are you stalking me? Because that’s creepy.”
Knight let out a laugh that reminded me of sunflowers opening against the sky. It was warm and fun and it made me smile involuntarily. I wanted to plant a field of whatever his laughter was made out of.
“I’m not stalking you. You take care of other people all day. That usually means you forget about yourself in the process. So, I’ve got breakfast covered for you.”
“Aw man, no lunch?” I joked with a smirk. I looked inside a Styrofoam box that contained home fries and my stomach growled in response.
“You know I’ll grab lunch with you. If you’re cool with it, I can take care of dinner too.” Uncertainty threaded through his words.
Dinner with a gorgeous man I fingered myself to. The thought pushed heat to the surface of my cheeks.
My mouth responded quicker than my brain intended, which wasn’t like me. I took time to think about everything I said. So when the words, “Sure. Dinner sounds fantastic,” popped out of my mouth, I was just as shocked as Knight.
He blinked at me in disbelief like he was blindsided by his own offer of dinner. “Okay then. We’ll have dinner tonight.” He spread cream cheese on half a bagel then sat beside me. His leg brushed against mine and I tensed. “You wanna go out or you wanna eat in?” It was a simple question but I hadn’t been asked out in so long that I didn’t know what to say. My mind was all over the place.
“This isn’t an actual date or anything is it?” I quizzed. Knight shook his head profusely. His brows bunched together punctuating his frown.
“No, Lumi…fuck, I’m sorry if any of this,” he pointed to the food then between us. There was barely any space for him to gesture. Energy crackled and jumped between our bodies. “Comes across as me courting you. I just like being around you but in a completely platonic way.” He reached over and placed his hand on mine. Warmth pulsed through me. “It’s been a while since I clicked with anyone like this but if it’s one-sided…”
“Oh no, it’s not. I love being around you too. I haven’t been on a date or even approached to go on a date for years so I didn’t know if I was misreading our friendship.” I scooped home fries onto a paper plate. “The truth is, I’m not ready to be in a romantic relationship and I don’t know if I ever will be again.”
“I feel the same way.” He said, sliding his thumb back and forth over my knuckles.
“But you lost your wife, that’s understandable.”
“Are you swearing off men because you lost Kaiden?” hearing someone else say my son’s name left a warped feeling inside my chest. It seemed to cement his death once again.
“No…I don’t think so.” I stuffed food in my mouth so that I had time to think about what I was going to say next. “Kaiden’s dad was a wolf in sheep’s clothing and he fucked me over severely. I don’t think it’s losing Kaiden as much as it is never wanting to experience my own naiveté again.” Thoughts of Jacob tore at my brain spraying memories across my mindscape.
“I’m guessing he was a piece of shit,” Knight grimaced.
“Beyond a piece of shit. He never showed up for Kaiden’s funeral. I don’t know if he knows our son is…” The word wouldn’t leave my mouth but Knight nodded his understanding and rubbed my back lending me strength.
His wide palm eased down to the small of my back then back up above my shoulders to the nape of my neck. My lips parted and I stroked my throat mindlessly while his fingers traced the fine swirls of hair under my bun, sweeping my neck.
“I’m sorry, Lumi. After dealing with someone like that I understand not wanting to trust again. You can rest assured that I’m not trying to be anything besides your friend.”
“I believe you,” I told him. “I know your plate is full too.” My eyes nearly fell shut when he gave the back of my neck a short squeeze before returning to his food.
I glanced at the way his jaws flexed while he chewed and a chill ran through me thinking of other things that would make his jaws flex. I averted my eyes to my food and focused on eating and talking to Knight instead of imagining his mouth on me.
His hands on me.
