Page 9 of Capacity
“Well, you better get out of here before you get tempted.”
“I will. Promise me you’ll enjoy your night? You haven’t smiled once since you walked in here.”
“Was I supposed to smile?” She quizzed, pointing her hypnotizing gaze at me.
Holy shit.
This woman was setting me on fire. Not in a cheesy way either. She was holding my toes to the flames and making me squirm uncomfortably over the heat. It wasn’t anything she said in particular. It was the way she spoke…like she thought carefully about everything. It was the way she carried herself like royalty even though something inside her blared a sad song. It was the way she dug beneath my armor without batting an eye.
She was kryptonite.
“No…” I tipped my head to the side trying to coax a smile from her. No matter how much I smiled at her like an idiot, she wouldn’t budge. “It would certainly brighten this place up a little if you did though.” I shrugged casually and the beautiful one rolled her eyes. “Too cheesy?”
She held up her pointer finger and thumb leaving a thread’s width of space between them. “How about this, if you smile for me…I’ll go to this AA meeting and actually talk instead of lurking in the back.” More involuntary truth dribbling through my lips.
“Okay,” the beautiful one said after looking at me for a few beats. A slow smile spread across her lips, not wide enough to show teeth but deliberate enough that I knew it was the smile I’d asked for. As pretty as the sight was, the smile never reached her eyes. They remained vivid and bright with sad, dark shadows circling the outer rim like a security guard.
“Perfect.” I took a mental snapshot of her smile before stepping backward away from the women. “Thank you,” I bowed my head and offered them both a polite smile. “Have a good night, ladies.”
“You too,” the beautiful one said in tandem with her friend. Even though my back was to her, I felt those emerald and honey eyes on me as I walked out. It was the push I needed to get my ass to The Mystic Crystal for the AA meeting.
When I walked in, the meeting was already in session. I stood with my back pressed against the brick wall, looking toward the semi-circle. Terrance’s eyes met mine when I opened the door and slipped inside. I nodded at him and he returned the gesture before focusing on the sponsor who was speaking.
“Would you like to join us in the circle?” The sponsor asked, looking dead at me. Nerves munched at the lining of my stomach. Suddenly, an empty chair seemed to materialize beside Terrance. I rubbed the back of my neck and thought about the beautiful woman at The Pour People a few doors down. I promised her I’d participate in the meeting.
Yeah, you promised a woman whose name you don’t even know and probably will never see again.
Still…
I didn’t break promises.
So, with my chin tucked in and my gaze cast down, I made my way to the empty chair beside the man I related to the most. The sponsor didn’t single me out but smiled and continued talking to the group.
“If any of our new members would like to introduce themselves, the floor is yours.” His eyes rested on mine and I cleared my throat, preparing to do what I made my new faculty and students do at Lakeview High School.
“Hi, my name is Knight and I’m an alcoholic.” I froze for a moment after the words left my mouth. “Uh…was I supposed to lead with that or is that just on TV?” A nervous grin broke out on my face and the women in the circle giggled softly.
“That’s fine, Knight. You don’t have to use aliases either. We’d prefer to know the real you.”
“Knight is my real name,” I nodded.
“Well, in that case, nice to meet you, Knight. Would you mind telling us a little about yourself?” I grew silent as I looked around the circle at each pair of eyes. Brown. Green. Blue. Gray. Still, there were none like the beautiful woman from the wine bar. I’d never seen eyes that color before and I knew I’d never see them again.
“I’m a principal at a local high school,” I began, caution threading through my words as I danced around my job. What if some of the people there had relatives who went to Lakeview? We lived in a small town so it was plausible.
“I um…I started drinking two years ago,” I cleared my throat hoping to dislodge the chunks of words blocking my esophagus. Memories began piling up faster than I could brace myself for their sharp impact.
The others in the circle fell silent, listening to me speak as if I had the most interesting story to tell. I knew it was only the polite thing to do but it felt like they were invested in my road map to tragedy so I continued.
“That’s when I lost my wife, Hazel. I guess the pain became too much and I started drinking more and more.” I shrugged my shoulders unsure of what else to say. I didn’t want to give the details of Hazel’s death to every person sitting in the circle. It was too intimate.
Beside me, Terrance nodded solemnly, connecting with my pain. Everyone went around telling the moment that started their spiral. With each person I noticed the pattern of a singular snap jumpstarting everything. The instance of your fingers losing grip on your life.
The more I listened to everyone talk, and the more I talked, the lighter I felt. Until then I didn’t realize how heavy I always felt. How pulled down and worn out I was. I’d let my pain swell so much it had its own gravitational pull. I still couldn’t let go of it though.
After the meeting was over, Terrance walked up to me and shook my hand. He was eye level with me and had sandy brown skin with hair to match.
“I’m glad you decided to join the group, man. I know how hard it is to reach out when you don’t feel like you need help.” His brown eyes radiated compassion and sincerity.
