Page 89 of Capacity
“Knight, I need you.” My voice wobbled then crashed, breaking into tears.
“I’m on the next flight.”
“No, I’m home. I came home early.” I didn’t know if he could understand me because my tears swallowed my words voraciously.
“I’m on my way. Can you stay on the phone with me, Lumi?” He sounded panicked.
“Yeah,” I sniffled.
“When did you get back to Lakeview?”
“I don’t know. An hour ago? Two hours?” I shrugged my shoulders and tipped my head back to look at the ceiling.
“Was your phone off? It went straight to voicemail.”
“It was on airplane mode. I didn’t feel like talking.”
“Baby…” I hated how pained his voice sounded. I was on the verge of killing myself again and if I’d succeeded the pain in Knight’s voice would have been permanent.
I stayed on the phone with him until I heard him come in the house. He must have used my extra key. I was too beside myself to care right then.
Heavy footfalls rushed toward the bedroom. Knight’s face appeared in the doorway within seconds. It was warped and wounded when he saw me.
“Fuck. Lumi, what happened?” He picked my hand up and looked at the bloodstains. Then his eyes fell right to my scar and I hated myself. I hated the weak person inside of me that wanted to give in and die.
“I almost fell off the ledge, Knight,” I confessed, looking into those sapphire eyes I loved so much.
“Please tell me what happened.” He sat beside me and pulled me against his body. His scent was reassuring and warm. It was exactly what I needed to take me out of that dark place.
“I went to Kaiden’s grave and everything was okay. It was tough but it was okay. Then his babysitter, Cecily, came by with her husband and we all went out to lunch.” I blew out a long breath trying to scrub the image of Jacob’s other son out of my head. “When we left, there was this little boy.” My lips quivered making my chin buckle. “He looked exactly like Kaiden.Exactly. Even Cecily was in shock. I thought maybe I was hallucinating. I thought maybe it was some kind of miracle but it wasn’t. It was my ex, Jacob. He was there with his new wife and son who was the spitting image of my Kaiden.”
Knight squeezed me tight and kissed the top of my head, lending me silent strength as I spoke. “It was my worse fear coming to fruition and I spiraled.Hard.”
“Oh, Lumi. I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through that.”
“I hated every second of seeing him again. I hated that he got to have a second chance with a son he acknowledged while I’m over here walking through hell every day trying to re-establish normal. I wanted to die, Knight. I caught the first flight back home and I came in here fully prepared to slice open my scars and bleed to death. Nobody would have known.”
I knew when I felt the tremble of Knight’s sculpted body that he wasn’t crying but he was pissed. He stood to his feet and I stood with him, my hand finally starting to throb once the adrenaline in my system quieted.
“Lumi, you can’t fucking do that,” his voice was a controlled explosion. The muscles along his angled jawline flexed. “You can’t try to kill yourself. Not anymore.” He put his fist up to his mouth and shook his head. “I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. You don’t have to feel alone anymore because you’re not.”
“That’s why I called you.” I grabbed his hand so he’d stop pacing and look at me. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. I thought about how hard I’ve fought to stay alive and I thought about you about us.” I slid my hands along his shoulders, marking him with patchy red streaks.
“Let me take care of you, Lumi. Let me run a bath for you. Let me wash your hair. Let me feed you. Let mebe herefor you.” His eyes mapped mine out repeatedly, begging me to let him take care of me.
I needed that more than anything. I needed to feel seen and heard and understood. I needed to know that Knight would catch me when I stumbled so I could stand up on my own. I needed him to be my partner.
When I nodded my head, he walked into the bathroom and I was on his heels to explain the scene he was about to walk into. I didn’t get to him soon enough though and he walked into the bathroom without context and stopped.
“Lumi,” he said sadly, looking at the tub full of water and the broken mirror shards in the sink.
“I couldn’t look at myself,” I began. “I hated all the pain I saw. So I broke the mirror and at that point death looked so appetizing.” I sniffled and wiped my nose while my eyes fixed on the lone shard covered in drops of my blood. The one I was going to end my life with.
Knight drained the tub then sat on the edge with his head in his hands for a few seconds. The silence collected all around us. Stacking in the corners then spilling into the space between us.
“I am no more good if something happens to you,” Knight said, still looking at the floor. “I don’t know what I have to do to help ease the pain but I’ll do it. You are the one person I’d do anything for.” He knelt down and wrapped his strong arms around my waist burying his face against my stomach and ripping away the last rickety parts of the wall around my heart. His vulnerability stole my breath away.
“I’m begging you on my fucking knees, baby. Please don’t hurt yourself.” His words melted against me, dripping into my belly.
