Page 88 of Capacity
I walked into my house and for the first time in hours, I breathed. With that breath came a sea of tears. Salty, grief-riddled tears that dragged my soul down to the dirt.
Everything inside of me told me to call Knight and let him know I was home earlier than expected but I couldn’t. I wanted to sit in my pain. I hadn’t stewed in such a long time but I needed to right then.
I climbed the stairs to the second floor and went into my room then into the closet where I found my box of memories. I tucked the box under my arm and went into the bathroom where I ran a tub full of hot water.
Call Knight. Call him.
The voice was strong and urgent but I ignored it. Instead of calling him, I pulled out Kaiden’s first onesie and held my nose to the soft cotton. The fabric still held wisps of baby lotion. I bawled my eyes out at the flood of memories.
Why the fuck was I alive and walking around without him? It would have been easier if I died the instant his life was taken. My head throbbed and my stomach ached. Soon, I realized it wasn’t my stomach but my womb. It throbbed with pain as if it were crying for the child that once lived there.
My body refused to accept that Kaiden was gone.
I clutched the onesie to my chest and curled into a tight ball on the tiled bathroom floor while water filled the tub. There was no cure for the kind of ache ringing through my bones. No pills or surgeries that could erase the mind-numbing pain I was in.
I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted the tears to stop. I wanted the memories and the suffocation to fuckingstop. It was torture in its cruelest form. A mother was not supposed to outlive her child.
I uncurled my tear-logged body and turned the water off. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to breathe anymore because every inhale felt like a jagged dagger digging deeper into my heart.
I stared at myself in the mirror and looked past my puffy face and tired eyes. I looked into myself and saw Kaiden. My baby. The same baby Jacob abandoned like he was nothing.
I hated him.
I hated that I let him inside of me and that he discarded me afterward. I hated that he went on to live his life like Kaiden never existed. He got to have a family and another chance at getting it right with another son. I didn’t have that. Kaiden was my chance and he was gone.
I’d never know how different our lives would have been if Jacob stuck around like he was supposed to. I didn’t even want a relationship with him I wanted Kaiden to have a relationship with him. Maybe if Jacob had been a real father, I wouldn’t have needed to call Cecily to babysit while I worked. Kaiden could have gone to his dad’s house and he would’ve never been in the crossfire of those bullets. Maybe my son would still be alive.
The thought pulled gravity down on my head. Rage, anger, and fury blossomed in my chest, taking root in my lungs so that every breath was full of hatred. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. In my fit of blind rage, I balled my fist up and smashed it against the mirror with so much force the glass shattered, slicing my hand leaving behind crimson rivers that streamed down my arm. Glass shards fell to the sink. I saw myself in each reflective piece. Distorted. Warped. Broken.
I picked up a long slender piece and held it in my fist until my fingers bled.
I wanted the pain to stop.
Stop beating through my heart. Stop thumping through my brain.
I stuck my arm out in front of me and looked at the scars where I’d tried before. When the darkness was too much. I wanted to reopen the scars and get it right. The pull was so strong. It called to me like a deadly siren song promising visions of my son. All I had to do was plunge the glass into my veins and barricade myself in the bathroom.
All I had to do was leave behind my family.
My friends.
Knight…
Oh god, Knight. I never told him I loved him.
I saw his eyes in my head and felt his hands touch my face. It was enough to bring me to tears. Mom’s face was enough to bring me to tears. Coco’s face. Zach’s face.
The glass fell from my bloody hand and I dropped my head in defeat. I couldn’t go through with it. I’d come too far. How could I let it all go? How could I let myself and everyone else down after I’d finally found what it meant to be happy?
I walked into the bedroom and picked up my phone from the bed leaving behind bloody swipes on the blanket. I scrolled to Knight’s name and called him as I slid to the floor. My vision was blurry from the tears and the exhaustion.
“Lumi? I’ve been calling you like crazy. I was ready to hop on a plane.” He sounded relieved to hear my voice and to be honest, I was relieved to hear his.
“Knight,” my voice sounded far away. It sounded small and weak.
“What’s wrong? Baby, what’s wrong?”
