Page 83 of Capacity
Kaiden,
Happy birthday. Keep watching over your mommy. She can still feel your love and she’ll always need it.
Knight
My hands shook as I stared down at the cars and the card. They shook until Knight’s written words were no longer legible. They were only blurs. Maybe it was because of my tears. I couldn’t tell. Fat drops splashed onto the card threatening to smear the ink. I snapped the card shut and closed my eyes for a moment.
“Lumi? I’m sorry if I overstepped. I wanted you to know I cared and…”
“It’s so perfect.” My lips quivered and I pressed them into a tight line. “Thank you.”
“I think about him too even though I didn’t know him. I see the impact he left on you and I know he’s the reason you are the woman you are today. He’s the reason you’re a mother. He’s your foundation. I couldn’t let today go by without honoring him in some way.”
More tears.
Hot. Wet. Burning into my fucking soul.
“Thank you, Knight.” My voice was a whisper because the gratitude and pain held my vocal cords hostage in their grip, battling and dueling.
“Don’t thank me. Go wish your boy a happy birthday.” The muscles in his throat flexed when he swallowed back his own emotion. “I’ll call you when I get out of AA, okay?”
“Okay.”
I love you so much.
The words collected in my throat. They occupied the silent space between us before we ended the call. Like both of us wanted to say it but neither of us could. I needed to be in front of him to say it. I needed to pour it into him until it overflowed.
After our Facetime was over, I looked at the birthday card again. On the front was a blue racecar with the number seven on it in a black and white checkered pattern. It readBirthday Boyin glittering red letters. Kaiden would have loved it. He would have loved Knight
It was a fucking shame that a man who never even met my son cared more than his own father. Jacob was a joke. I hated even thinking about him.
How could I be so stupid to fall for someone like him? Someone who had the balls to get me pregnant then leave. Someone who could ignore the death of their own kid.
My bones were rigid thinking about Jacob. He was a vampire even when he wasn’t around. Even though I hadn’t seen him since I was pregnant with Kaiden. He was toxic trash.
With a heavy sigh, I tucked the birthday card and Hot Wheels in my purse then got dressed. I wore a pink wrap dress with tiny flowers all over it. Kaiden loved when I wore it. He told me I looked like a princess.
The memory gutted me leaving my heart beating on the floor at my feet.
I missed him.
…
Every time I set foot in the cemetery where Kaiden was buried, I felt my chest split open. I put one foot in front of the other until I came to his tombstone. I lowered my head and pulled in a deep, shaky breath.
“Happy birthday, Kaiden.” My voice was a trembling leaf in the face of a thunderstorm. I sat on the bench in front of his grave and wiped away the tears skating down my cheeks. “I miss you so much. I think about you every day, baby.” I brushed dirt from the front of the stone and tried to steady my emotions.
I caught a glimpse of my scar as I brought my hand back to my lap and my chest ached. “I wanted to be with you so bad I almost did something stupid. My world just isn’t right without you in it.”
The pain ate at me, piece by piece with piercing teeth. I was still numb though. I only felt the dull throb of emptiness.
I sat in silence listening to the wind around me while I thought about what I’d be doing if Kaiden had never been ripped from me. “We’d probably have a party and invite your friends from school,” I sniffed. “Then we’d come home and crash in front of the TV watching whatever you wanted while we pigged out. I’d probably fuss at you for leaving your shoes in the kitchen.” A pained and guttural noise tore from my throat. It was a twisted and agonizing laugh. It was sour on my tongue and held no warmth or happiness.
It was a laugh in the face of cruelty. It was a laugh at the universe itself for leaving me behind without the one person who made life worth living.
My mind pictured Kaiden’s shoes and toys scattered on his bedroom floor. I pictured myself making him lunch in the kitchen, cutting his PB&J in half diagonally because he didn’t like it cut straight down the middle. I saw myself taking his temperature when he was sick and curling my body around his because he didn’t want to be alone.
My heart was shattered.
